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Very interesting indeed!
When he was courting me, he had said 'If I had to die and live again, so I could be with you, I would' I thought it was such a strange statement and with your explanation I can now understand.
I don't even know how to answer this anymore, nor do I really want to because today has been fairly raw for me emotion wise. I just don't feel like dealing with it. But, that being said, Barry knew he would die young. A lot of the men in his family have died young and he knew it would happen. I always used to "shush" him and say if he took care of himself that he would live a long life with me. But that didn't happen. I think subconsciously I knew too...looking back at past years, when he would talk about his death and whatnot, I hated talking about it, but I had this feeling in my gut that I knew he was right. I knew we wouldn't have a long life together, but it always made me sad and I just dismissed that thought. I guess my feelings were right.
A funny conversation barry and I had when he got sick...I told him I was worried about him, and he said "dont worry, if I feel like I'm going to die, I will go to the hospital". He was an over the road trucker and told me he'd go somewhere close to where he was. He had to come home a few days before his scheduled home time because he was so sick and as soon as he pulled into the driveway, i took him straight to the hospital.
he never came home again.
Thinking of you Krusty. Today was a hard, raw day for me too. A lot of crying. I can't remember the last day like this. Tomorrow is a new day; hope it is better for us both.
The "good" (?) news for me is I was online here, crying, and my boyfriend called me. I haven't really had a time when I was sort of randomly crying with him around yet, so I decided to answer and be honest about why I was crying. I told him I miss Brian and the life we had, that I was thinking about life and death, and it was overwhelming and I was just having a sad day, that I had cried a lot today. I will be honest -- I was worried about how he'd react, and I even said I was sorry, that I felt weird crying to my bf about missing my husband. I don't know why I worried. He was so kind and supportive about it, and I was smiling when we hung up.
(Not that a guy is the answer to grief -- I know you know it's not b/c you are with someone else -- but just wanted to say I don't think it is either. I just meant it was a great thing for me to experience his reaction and have it be good -- it reassured me that I'm with a great person.)
My husband also died of pancreatic cancer. In the last week, our two dogs curled themselves around his belly and wouldn't move. They did that for several days. After he died, they "fought each other" for the place on his pillow. I think dogs are so tuned in to what is going on in ways we don't even imagine.