Putting away pictures

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Janine (txmomx6) on March 1, 2012 at 5:32pm

Hi Kristen,

You are perfectly normal.  There's no rule about when or what to do things.  It all depends on what you want to do and when you want to do it.

My husband died suddenly,4 years ago, the week before Christmas.  We have 6 children and 3 were still in middle and high school.

That first week I could not stand seeing Jim's toiletries at his sink.  It was like a stab in the heart every time I walked in there.  So I took a trash can and just swept everything into it, even his things in the cabinets and drawers.  I didn't want it to look like he was still there, when he wasn't.  It also seemed to indicate he might be coming back.  I physically just couldn't deal with that.

His closet was worse for me, but at least it has a door on it so that i didn't have to see his clothes every time I went into the bathroom. I tried so hard to not open that door, but sometimes it was like some unseen force pulled me to it and made me open it.  And in the next few moments I'd be crumbled on the floor, sobbing and screaming out my grief.  Before long I knew that I had to clear out that closet.  

I agree with harleywoman, because that's exactly what I did.  After less than 3, or maybe even 2 .... I can't remember (!) months I got out several boxes and packed all of his clothes into them.  Everything.  I didn't throw anything out.  I was aware enough at that time (surprisingly) to know that if I did that I would certainly regret it later.  Plus, I wanted my children, especially the boys, to be able to go through his things so that they could have something of his.  

Then I put the boxes in the back of a not-often-used closet.  This was a good decision because if I did happen to open that closet for something, I couldn't see the boxes.  

I hung his suits and dress shirts in one of the closets upstairs in one of my college kid's room .... where there was room and no one used that closet.

It took 3 years until I was ready to get those boxes out.  I didn't plan it, I never really thought about it anymore.  But one day, it just popped into my brain that I was ready to go through everything and let it all go.

So one morning when the kids were at school (this was a decision I made on purpose .... I wanted to be alone to do this) I took all of the boxes out of the closet and brought all of his hanging clothes down into the living room.  I opened each box, one at a time, and took out every single item, one at a time.  I held each one for a moment and thought back to a time when I'd seen him wear/use it.  When I took out the first few items I'd press them up against my face and inhale deeply, to see if I could smell him.  I could not.  Which I thought would be too sad for me, but it actually helped.  It was easier to let things go when there was no part of him left on them.
I chose a few items that I wanted to keep and was surprised that there were only a few.  Time does change things.

I left everything out so that the kids could all go through it and take what they wanted.  As each of them did that (sometimes alone, sometimes a few at a time) I sat nearby and watched.  It was a great experience.  The tears did not flow as I had expected.  Instead, they'd pull something out and talk about their memory of Jim and that item.  There were several items that were made fun of.  We laughed a lot as we reminiced.  Again, timing is everything.

I know that this is more of a short story rather than a comment ... sorry.  :)  But the bottom line is .... everything is in YOUR timing.  You will know when the time is right to do something, whatever it is.  For you, your timing told you to put away the pictures.  I know several women who did that, too, so you are not alone.  Don't compare yourself and your decisions to anyone else.  And don't ever pay attention to "suggestions" or questions about your timing from non-widowed people.  They mean well, but they have no idea.  At all.

Go with your gut.  There are no rules other than this:  Do what feels right to you, WHEN it feels right to you.  You won't be wrong.  You'll just be normal.  :)

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Permalink Reply by Barbie Doll on August 2, 2012 at 12:06am

Oh Janine,  I just love your story and the way you handled your husbands belongings!  I think this is such excellent advice.  

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Permalink Reply by Israel Girl (Chris) on March 1, 2012 at 6:05pm

Hi Kristen, I'm 10 1/2 months out.   Here are my thoughts, or how I'm doing it so far.

I am also someone who "spring cleans" on a regular basis and I don't like to have stuff around if it isn't being used.  I did pack up my husbands clothing and belongings just a week or two after.  We had a poster-sized picture at the funeral because the casket was closed.  My kids wanted it in the livingroom!  It's in the attic and we have a 5x7 in the livingroom along with my wedding picture.  I couldn't stand running into his clothing and stuff in the bedroom.  About 2 months out, I repainted and rearranged the bedroom.

You aren't forgetting or minimizing his value in your life.  You are simply realizing that you can't constantly go to "that place."  While our tears are necessary and healthy,  it isn't healthy to stay in a place where you are upset and crying.  One thing I have done is to give myself freedom to do what I need to, when I need to, and avoid any guilt or negative thinking as much as possible.

One month is still so close, you are still very much in the middle of it (Yeah, I know, I'm barely coming out of it, and that's only on the good days!).  Take care of yourself.  Do things for  yourself.  When you don't feel like cleaning, etc., give yourself that freedom.  

Probably the most frustrating thing for me was a sudden lack of trust in my own decisions.  My confidence went right out the window!  It too is coming back, and it feels good.  But this whole situation has dramatically changed me.  I see things differently now.  I find myself appreciating the things I used to complain about, in my husband.  It has brought me to a place where I see my relationship with God completely different as well.  

I don't miss Moises any less, but I can tell you that it is easier now than a few months ago.

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Permalink Reply by carolynne on March 3, 2012 at 7:40pm

Kristen, I don't think there is a 'normal', it's just whatever helps you to deal with it best. I am very OCD about cleaning/organizing things, too, and after 6 months I cleaned out every drawer, closet and cabinet in the house. I didn't get rid of much, but it's boxed up and in the garage. Most of his pictures are still up, but I try not to dwell on them too long, as it does set off the waterworks. Just keep doing what you need to heal, and know we are all here for you. Wishing you peace.

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Permalink Reply by Pat222 on July 6, 2012 at 11:18pm

Hi Kristen,

I know that your post was many months ago, but there might be someone visiting this site today that is asking the same question. This is my second time going through the loss of a husband. When I lost my first husband of 25 years, seeing anything around the house like pictures, clothing, hats, etc. was too hard for me to see. I purged the house of everything before the first month was done because it was too painful to leave it there. I am now one month in after the loss of my second husband of 13 years, and I have not put one thing away or packed one thing up. As a matter of fact, I have placed more pictures of us together up around the house. SO, even for me there is no right or wrong way. Follow your heart and make decisions that allow you to grieve in the healthiest way for you.

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Permalink Reply by going to make it on July 6, 2012 at 11:29pm

This is my 2nd time as well and I have found myself exactly the same. 1st time it hurt so bad to see anything of my husband's. I put everything away very quickly. This time I can't seem to put anything away.

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Permalink Reply by chez2all on July 7, 2012 at 2:06am

Other way around for me...kept lots of my 1st husbands stuff around for years...probably had more to do with keeping his memory alive for the kids than anything else.  But I had a special photo of him on my bedside table.  Packing his things was a gradual thing not all at one time...this felt right to me.

When I met my 2nd husband and he moved in I put away most (but not all) of the photos so he wouldn't feel like an interloper in our home.  Since his suicide I put away all his things out of the bathroom and living rooms on the first day - it gave me something constructive to do after finding him...i had to try to get that picture out of my head.  His clothes I packed up 2 days later and got my brother to take them away.  Our bed was replaced by 1 month and most furniture had been moved around in the house to allow us to live there until we could find somewhere else.  When we were getting ready to move I found myself going through things from both husbands and sorting out what to keep and what to give away.  A garage sale organised by his workmates took care of most of his tools and other household stuff we wanted to get rid of. 

I think I'll keep more of my 1st husbands things but purely for the kids.  There are some very special things that were important to me about my 2nd husband and these will be special keepsakes for me.  I'm going to organise some special photos of both but keep them in a glassed cupboard where they can be seen but not upset anyone.  It really does come down to what feels right for you.

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Permalink Reply by going to make it on July 7, 2012 at 12:15pm

{{{HUGS}}} chez2all! It definately is different for each of us, isn't it? Now, that I'm starting to go through my 2nd husband's things,and put them away, give them away, etc. I am also going through my 1st husband's things that I stored away. Most of it will just stayed in storage for the kids and grandkids. I have special things I'll keep forever, I'm sure. Like you, I had photos of us all around that I put away when my 2nd husband moved in (for the same reason you stated). Now I have just a few photos of each out. The room that I struggle with clearing is my 2nd husband's office. Oh my! His suit jacket still hangs on his chair and his church shoes are by the desk right where he put them that last day of church. His notes and pictures are everywhere in there. I go in there with the greatest of intentions but end up sitting in his chair staring at everything. I did manage to get his books all boxed up but that's about it. My goal was to get that room done this summer! I only have 3 weeks of summer break left & I'm nowhere near getting it done. UGH

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Permalink Reply by Ccdague on July 19, 2012 at 5:19pm

I thought I was odd.....I began to go through Denny's things, giving away clothes in good condition, and things that I I'll never use. I didn't hav too many pictures of him out to begin with, and only wanted a certain few to b out. I gutted our bedroom...it smelled "sick and sad"......I love th new peaceful colors, soft lighting, books and linen spray. Iike his ratty robe to wrap up in and chuckle about. we loved music and I have his collections on every device. Everyone is so different...be at peace with your individual decisions.

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Permalink Reply by Marianne on July 26, 2012 at 12:37pm

Kristen Sorry for the loss of your husband.  

I also packed up my husband's clothes probably one month after he died. It pained me to see his clothes hanging in the closet.  One of my sister in law heard I took some of his things to Goodwill and confronted me with that fact one of the other sisters had no money and would like his clothes.  The items that were donated were his shoes,  new socks he never got to wear,  sport jackets,  etc.  I saved all of his Hawaiian shirts and good shirts to later decide what and who would get them. I told her what I had donated and didn't think I need her permission on that.  I felt violated by this person.  How dare her tell me what to do in my moment of grief.  I felt she stepped over the boundaries on that one. But she has since stepped over many more boundaries so she is no longer in my life.   My in law became an out law. That I find is quite normal when a family member dies.  Never thought it would happen to me but it has.  I'm currently seven and a half months out.  Since my life was thrown into turmoil I also haven't found who I am,  what I want and where I am headed.  All I know is that I'm not moving anytime soon, will not make major decisions for at least a year and I will move really slow until I find my balance.  That's all I can do for today. 

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Permalink Reply by Leeanne on July 26, 2012 at 9:21pm

Hi KristeninDenver,
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my love Joe almost 11 weeks ago.
I have done exactly the same thing as you. Put away all pics and got rid of almost everything. I was concerned that I can't look at pictures and if I happen to see one or something else personal of his, I just look away and feel almost nothing. My worry was that I was dishonoring him by not being able to look at things like this.
My therapist has reassured me that this is not uncommon, it is my brains way of protecting me from the extreme pain of his loss. This is not to say that I don't cry or mourn, because I do. I'm told that because our connection was so deep and live was so strong that I am just not ready.
Whether or not this is correct, it is a satisfying answer for me to accept right now. I just pray that it hits me slowly, and not a giant crash.
I hope you got something out of my comment, and I hope that you, and all of us here at Widvill find peace soon.
(((((Great big HUG just for you)))))

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Permalink Reply by Barbie Doll on August 2, 2012 at 12:20am

I'm 7 months out and I have not gotten rid of anything yet, in fact, his toothbrush is still in it's holder.  He has half of our walk in closet so I look at his things everyday.  I visit his drawers and touch his things every now and then.  I used to smell his clothes but the scent has faded now.  I also have pictures of him everywhere.  I know it's overkill but I'm not ready to let him go yet.  I'm going to Camp Widow and I think I may start packing his things up when I return from camp.  I think I'll take Janine's advice and box up most things and open them at a later date.  I do feel a bit selfish because I know family and friends would like to have some of his things too.  

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