OK, here goes...My husband passed away 2.5 months ago, so I am pretty new to all of this. The thing is, I am super lonely. I am 43, so I'm not ready to live the rest of my life alone. A friend that we had both known for the past 20 years texted me the other day asking if he could meet up soon to talk, since he found out late that my husband passed (I couldn't find his contact info to let him know when it first happened). He said he was also feeling down and lonely because he and his wife of 12 years are ready to divorce. They haven't lived together for awhile and tried to work things out for the past 2 years, but apparently it is over. My husband and I were married 20 and together 24. I told him yes, let's meet to talk. He came to my house last night (he also knows my 3 girls - who are all teenagers) and talked with us. He explained to me how much my husband had helped him the last few months before his death and told me how much my husband loved me and our girls. I was very happy to hear it, and enjoyed talking with him. We discussed loss (my being a widow and him divorcing) and he told me he wouldn't mind getting together again for coffee or to watch movies on Netflix, and to text or call him anytime I want to get together. My question- is it too soon to have male companionship? I really do care for him and he makes me laugh. Then I feel guilty because he was also my husband's good friend. Not sure if I should pursue a closer friendship and see what happens?
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First, let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I think most would agree that the loneliness is what hits you the most. After nine months without my soulmate that is what I find the most painful and I truly understand how difficult it is at this time. However, its only been 2.5 months and you are really in the early stages of grief. Your friend may not know it but he too is going through a very traumatic situation which in many ways is like a death. I remember many years ago when a relative of mine passed away. He left a young wife and three children under the age of six. I remember my mother telling her that with time she would find love again but not to rush in anything. That was wise advice. My mother advised her to focus on her children and on healing before getting into a relationship. The young woman took my mother's advice. She too was approached by several "friends" but she took the time she needed to get her self together spiritually and mentally. She poured herself into getting her children adjusted to being without the dad they loved so much. She had my mother and good family and friends to give her the emotional support she needed. She had suitors but she was very circumspect in assessing what her real motivation was and also what was their real motivation in pursuing her. I believe it was almost two years after her husband's passing when she and a friend started getting serious. She and he eventually married. He helped her raise her three and they had two of their own. (By the way he was actually ten years younger than she) They have been married 28 years now. I attend Griefshare and there are at least four widows under 45 in my group. They all acknowledge the need for companionship and they have all been approached by various male "friends". They all have said proceed with extreme caution. I pray you will do the same. I am glad you came to this site. Take care of you and your girls. God bless.
I understand, completely your desire to have companionship. I really do! I am dating after my wife died over two years ago, I started a few months after she died. The first relationship was a disaster and I had to go through loss all over again! I have been in my current relationship well over a year-we live 90 miles apart which is problematic but workable.
I am only sharing this because in my experience, my desire to be held, nurtured, loved again was overwhelming. How I missed holding my wife next to me at night!!! How I missed hearing her breathe at night and in the morning hearing her sing in the shower. I was so vulnerable during those first few months!
I don't see anything wrong with you having a friendship. But, I agree with DIVA70-both of you are experiencing tremendous loss and its normal to want to ease that pain of lonliness and sorrow! What you don't need is getting enmeshed with his issues-although the pain of divorce is certainly a loss, its different than your loss.
Take it slow, your'e not his therapist (no preaching intended) and he isn't yours as well.
I think you've answered your own question. If you are having feelings of guilt for any reason, it's too soon. If you do pursue a relationship with him please guard your heart and be discreet for the sake of everyone.
That being said, no, it isn't too soon. To be blunt, you are single now. It's the sad reality, if you feel ready to date there isn't anything wrong with it.
Having read the posts at WV for over 5 yrs I will cut to the chase. Where is it never to soon or too late for a person to have companionship. 2.5 mo is a very short time for a young woman of 43 with three impressionable teenage girls to begin a relationship with a good friend of her recently dead husband and who is in fact still married lawfully. My opinion is not to do it yet. Get his divorce final. Allow yourself time for you and the children to grieve. They are watching you even if they say nothing. Loneliness is part of grief and every post I have read where someone unintentionally got into a compromising ( sexual) circumstance too soon was met with regret! You don't want that for yourself or your girls, do you? It might fill the loneliness a bit but seeing a divorcing man so soon sounds mighty chancy to me. Bottom line imo not now and not with him....But it is YOUR decision as well as your consequences. Think carefully before you go any further.