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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Today I am 88 days and counting when my soul mate and wife passed on suddenly in March 2014.  Some days are bad and well you all know how much of a roller coaster it is. I had the best marriage in the world.  I kept pictures of my pre wife relationships and recently, quite accidentally reconnected with an old flame I had not heard of for over 24 years. She never married but has kids and I can't stop myself from calling no matter how hard I try and vice versa.  My 4+ daughter has caught on and wants to meet her.  I am so to say in quandary... What the heck do I do? 

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Yes be careful, there's always a reason why they are old flames?
Your in a state of confusion and your heart wants to feel again, that's okay, but you have a daughter to think of before yourself, it may not be good on your daughter who also is needing a motherly figure in her life again.

At the end of the day only you can decide what is best for you.

Namaste

Thanks Enzo.  One can't know it all.  This site is a blessing. Everyone said I should be careful.  Apparently a lot of people got messed up in addition to their grief from loss. I truly appreciate.  Namaste

My roses

Damianino  I have been talking to quite a few widowed men here in Australia and  it seems that they can be drawn into relationships very quickly... which may not be the right ones.  The loneliness, the fact that they are also struggling with a new skill set.  Both men and women are skilled in various things...and the other partner usually has another skill set.  For men it is often trying to deal with how to do the washing and shopping, even what to use to clean the top of the bench in the kitchen.  Then.. finally there is the flames that are aroused by the loss of the sexual relationship.

We are bonded to our loved one by something called Oxytocin (it also makes the bond between mother and child)..so we feel the loss of warmth, cuddling etc.  However, I know that some of the men have had serious problems because  they were so desperately wanting to have a close relationship again  it allowed  certain women to come into their lives.

These women seemed genuine but the outcome was money spent wildly, and I mean thousands of dollars.  Bookings made for holidays and a wedding (unknown to the man)  and when he finally realised after many months what was happening ... things got wild.  He came home to find masses of things gone from the house, down to CD's, pillow cases, toilet rolls etc.  Another man I know came home from work and found all the furniture had gone from the house. He spoke to the neighbours and they said  we saw a removal van arrive early in the day and she just left!

I hope this will never happen to you... but  this man realised that he was so vulnerable and did everything he could to make her happy.  Also the physical relationship was quite strong too.  But it appears that women will even have a child so that money  from the government payments will be coming in regularly.   Both of these men have been reacting as if it was a divorce (they were not married to their partner).. intense anger, grief, a feeling that they were weak and vulnerable.  Shock that anyone could do this etc.  All this on top of the death of  one man's wife.  The other man had not  lost a wife in that way.

About being strong we are all urged to be strong.. it is not realistic... in the way  relatives and so called friends mean it.  It is to get us to be 'normal' again because they cannot cope with or understand our grief.

Sorry that this info has been tough... but we need to know that our hunger for love, caring and understanding can take us into situations that may be dangerous for us at this time. Even dating agencies can be a problem, because I know of men who are running from one date to the next looking for "something"  and continually being disappointed. 

As you may have noticed when reading the posts written by widowed women... they tend to be wary of dating or having sexual relationships early on in their grief.  They often say that they feel vulnerable and cannot cope with anything like that at  this time. 

Also wanted to say that I don't want to sound as if I am being harsh on the men... I do care what happens to them and have been journeying with quite a few (because I was a former counsellor- but not working now due to my own grief). The word journeying means - walking beside a person, sharing and listening.   

Bless you

I really appreciate your care and concern and all I can say is that any man or woman that would deliberately take advantage of a widow/widower are low, if not the lowest creatures that ever lived.  Thanks to you all for sharing.  I will certainly be very wary.  Fortunately enough for me I did a lot of the house chores whenever my wife was down- she had sickle cell anaemia blood disorder-so I am not clueless in that department and can cope excellently.  Can be somewhat challenging juggling that with work though.  My mum insisted that my sister should come stay with us for a while but I declined as my cousin who was brought up by wife lives with me and looks after my 4 year old.  Thing is my wife was the only mum she knew and she is also trying to deal with her loss, and lacks the total experience to deal with a child that is exhibiting grief from loss of a super mum.  I guess we will take it gradually, whatever that means!  Merci

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