I read a post from a member who was just a couple of months out from the loss of her spouse. She was kind of entering into a relationship with a friend of her husband, who is currently divorcing. I wasn't able to post a comment but ,man did I want to. Yes there are legitimate friend's that want to be there and comfort and help us. We all know the extreme lonliness we are going through, and we would love to just be not alone! But I wanted to scream...Don't do it. I have also been approached by friends of mine and my husband's that have offered to take me out and such. I'm such a skeptical person though, so many cliche's come to my mind. Lonely widow,she probably "need's" to get laid, and so on. It's hard because on top of all the grief you have to keep a clear head when it comes to these things. Some just want a booty call. I'm not ready to get into any relationship that could possibly turn into an intimate one. I don't want to be a booty call or a fool. My heart, emotions and body aren't ready for anything like that. Just be careful. I would hate also for a friendship to be ended because of anything like this. We are so vulnerable at this point, I'm all for giving myself more time to heal, physically and emotionally. Sorry for the rant.
Apology not necessary, this issue is worth pointing out ...
Being alone/unwed takes years to adjust to as did marriage. Widow brain drastically interferes w/any type of clear head decision making. Many widowed either deny or do not believe they have widow brain. In my experience, it was the last to be healed. Temptation is rampant for those who refuse to believe widow brain is with them 24/7/364. Unfortunately, it then becomes a far reaching learning lesson about grief & controlling temptation that can haunt for a very long time ...
Sometimes we cannot be too careful, especially when we are stressed with grief. Many years ago my grandfather died. A week or so after the funeral Grandma answered her door. It was a man who said he had been a friend back in Michigan (the obit said Grandpa was born and went to school there). He was "distraught" that he hadn't been here in Seattle for the funeral. Long story, short: this con man convinced Grandma to feed him, then let him become a roomer, and before we knew what happened she was in a nursing home with a massive stroke and he was cashing out her cars, bank accounts, jewelry, house and property. He had convinced her to sign a paper giving him legal rights, but she had no idea she had done that. Grandma died a pauper and there was nothing left for her survivors. So, my word is to be suspicious, ask questions, investigate. Widow brain is real, but this kind of thing can happen just because we are not paying close attention to details. Loneliness and feeling out of control or helpless or tempted are all wrapped into it. STAY SAFE!
Oh Barbee, what a nightmare! It’s not only widows but widowers, or anyone older and alone are all vulnerable. Hard to believe there are people capable of doing things like this. So often, I read in the paper stories about elderly people or disabled people that hire caretakers and they end up stealing their money. I have a neighbor (widower) who met a woman that eventually took thousands of dollars from him. He was in early stages of dementia so he was possibly an easy target. His kids finally detected he was missing money and put a stop to it. There are a lot of people without a conscience I guess It does seem to be on the rise and that is scary!
Maybe I look at the situation differently, but it is no secret that widows are quite vulnerable. For someone to make a move so quickly on her, makes me wonder about his intentions. Something similar happened to a friend of mine a year or so ago—a so-called friend of her husband hit on her very soon after he died. She became angry and cut off all communication. She felt he had a lot of nerve!
I wouldn’t say there is a time line or a respectable length of time to wait but I do believe we need to grieve for however long it takes. In a couple situations I know of, couples have developed friendships prior to getting involved. It sometimes works out.
We cannot circumvent grief, we must feel it. I believe we must work our way through it to become emotionally available before we should consider dating. It is not always easy for others to understand such a loss unless they have experienced it—and quite different from divorce.