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Sharing my husbands ashes
I'm not sure if I'm being selfish, obsessed, greedy or maybe just a little crazy. That's why I thought I would come here and ask all the people that can possibly understand my feelings and where I'm coming from.
It's now been a year sense KC passed and some family members are asking for some of his ashes. They want to put them in jewelry or what ever but I can't stand the thought of letting anyone have them and not know where every part of him is. I did have to necklace made for his Mother, one for both her sons she lost this year. But I made her promise that she either wills them to me or they are to be burred with her. I have this crazy idea that some time down the line someone wont know what this jewelry is and my husbands ashes put in a rummage sale or something. I Know that is crazy talk but I dreamed that it happened.
So what I'm really asking is, is it wrong of me to tell his family that they can't have any of his ashes? I will be with them all this coming weekend and I'm afraid that if I said yes to one then others will want the same thing. The worst part is I have to be with his sister that never came to see him when he was sick, didn't come to KC's service or even send flowers a card or anything. I wouldn't even go with her being there but we are having the service for my BIL. I love the rest of his family and KC's Mom and I are as close as any mother and daughter. I just don't know if it's fare to tell them all no and keep him all to myself or am I being selfish?
Thank you for any opinions you may have.............Lisa
Views: 347
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by twinsmum on -
mmmm....not sure if there is any right or wrong answer. When my MIL (at the beginning) said that Craig's brother would like some ashes I didn't actually say anything but I thought no way I am not splitting him up. It just didn't seem right. Then at the year mark I went to Bali on what would of been the holiday we would of been taking for his 40th birthday. It seemed right to take some of the ashes and leave them at the hotel where we were staying. I then decided when I go back and visit NZ one day (where he was from) I will take some back there and spread at his favourite places. I then felt ok to give some ashes to his brother and then I even made mini bottles for the boys. I also have a fair amount in a large bottle for me next to our wedding photo in the living room and still have heaps in the container the funeral home gave me.
In the end it is up to you but I believe ashes are ashes....his soul is still around and if it helps someone else in their grief process to have some ashes close to them so be it.
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Permalink Reply by jean on -
Just wanted to pop in with a Hug Lisa.. I don't know what I would do as I buried Mike.
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Permalink Reply by Ccdague on -
Interesting question.....I had Denny's ashes put into three containers at the funeral home...all similar vases (urns)........ One rather large one for me and two smaller ones one for each of our children. No one has asked me for any......don't think his father will....he didn't even come to the funeral, and both his brother and mother are deceased. I went to the seashore and found a pretty shell.....placed some of his ashes into it and returned it to the sea. I don know if I could give up any ashes to anyone other than my children........I may eventually feel differently....it's only been three months.
Best to you as you have these conversations....sending hugs....
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Permalink Reply by mahagen on -
I can't believe I have an opinion on this, but as I picked up my Mike's ashes recently, I have been thinking about ashes lately also. And my opinion is ashes to ashes, dust to dust..... these ashes aren't Mike. Mike is in Heaven. These are just ashes. I am going to separate them and put them a few different places, but that is just symbolic, a time to reflect at some places that meant something to him/us/me.
That being said, you have the right to feel how you feel! There isn't a correct or incorrect answer here. We are all just trying to move down the path to our new normal. What's right for me may not be right for you and that's OK.
As far as his sister, WHAT SISTER??? That's not a sister, just someone else who came from the same womb!
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Permalink Reply by janet on -
Lisa, it is a personal decision that only you can make. I do not think there is a right or wrong answer to the question.
I ordered cremation jewelry for his two oldest children so they would have a small part of him with them. I felt like that was the least I could do for them. I will keep some in a small container with me, take some back to Belize to spread because it loved it there and was happy and the rest when I am ready to do it will be spread in New Mexico because that is what he wanted.
My thought is do what is best for you. (((HUGS))) Lisa.
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Permalink Reply by Cathy on -
This is a hard one to answer, and I agree with those who responded already. Ashes are ashes, they are only what he was in the physical sense, not who he really was. I have left some in significant places, at lakes, beaches, ocean, have 2 small urns for the kids, but the majority remain in a pot I threw on his dresser. Deciding what to do with them so the kids don't have to deal with them someday, as well as mine. Local church (he was not a church goer but was I was, at one time) has a lovely garden of remembrance open to all. May arrange for both of ours to go there.
Lisa, you have to follow what feels right for you. Tell them when the time is right you will decide. That time can be years away if you want. Maybe by then you will know the answer, or maybe they will have forgotten the issue. Just tell them you can't do it right now. You're not ready to make that decision. Someday you will be ready.
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Permalink Reply by MsKris12 on -
Much love to you Lisa as you consider this very personal decision.
Steve was buried because I could not for the life of me remember what he wanted and being that he NEVER planned for anything past dinnertime (which he would ask me about at 8AM everyday), Steve didn't take the time to jot it down anywhere. However, he knew he had a plot purchased by his parents 50 years ago, I suppose, it never occured to him that he might have a say in the matter. It wasn't until almost 4 months after his death and burial, did I remember what he had actually decided. I have always been firm in my choice to be cremated, I don't care what is done with my ashes, as this is just a shell that my spirit uses as a home (for now). So during one of these discussions, Steve said that he would like to be cremated and MIXED with my ashes, then spread where ever our 4 children felt would most represent us. Our conversation at the time, raised a few questions with me, 1.) Why did he think he got to go first? 2.) Was I expected to carry his ashes until my death? (however long that would be) and 3.) Who did he think would do the "MIXING"? At the time it was a very light, funny conversation. But looking back now 16 mos after his sudden passing, it really wasn't a bad idea at all and I could answer all of my own questions with the following answers: 1.) Because he always knew he would go first, I should have listened closer 2.) Yes! And I would do it with gratitude and pride. 3.) Who care's? I will be dead!
Just a thought, honey, maybe you could have your's mixed with KC and inform the family of this choice and it just wouldn't mix right if a part of KC were missing!
((HUGS))
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Permalink Reply by Lisa (lost) Lamb on
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Our kids have already been told that was what we had planned. KC will be with me until my death and then we will be mixed. Together forever is what we always said, and we will be. Thanks.
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Permalink Reply by bad ass widow on -
Lisa, it has been 3 years for me, and Keiths ashes and I have had a few go-rounds. His original wish was to be put in bulletts and shot off on opening day for Deer season. At that time, it was really expensive and none of his hunting buddies stepped up to the plate so I didnt do that. I did however on the one year anniversary take some ashes and spread them around some of the land he hunted. Long story short on that one, make sure you know which way the wind is blowing! This past Fathers day, we had bears made and put a tube of ashes in them. My daughter also wants to incorporate some ashes into a tattoo. For the most part Keiths ashes stay in the truck.
My Moms wishes for her ashes was to be divided into 3 (one for each of my brothers and me) and to be mixed into the soil of yellow rose bushes that we were to plant in her honor. (Funny story- she got the idea from the tv show Knots Landing LOL) My Dad had never said what he wanted done with his, so he currently is riding around in the truck with Keith.
I guess I have been a little more flippant about their ashes because I know that their souls are what count to me. I feel them around me all the time. Personally, no one in Keiths family has asked for any. To me that just seems a little weird and selfish of them. When Keiths Mom died I had thought about offering to put a small bit of him in the grave with her, but I know he didnt want to be put under ground.
Its a tough one Lisa, and I dont think that you are being selfish at all. I think you need to do what is right for you. If you are not comfortable with sharing then dont. You can tell his sister that you dont want to be a part of her guilt.
That being said, I never thought about the jewelry going to a rummage sale. Good call on that.
(((hugs)))
Amy
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Permalink Reply by Lisa ( Marielee) on
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HI Lisa,
I agree with many here that have already posted. This decision is a very personal one that you have to do what feels right in your heart. This is what I did... We had most of my husbands ashes put up on a mountain top that he loved to hike but also saved some for each of my 3 boys that we put behind a picture of their dad. Also took some and put into locket necklaces for me , MIL and SIL . I have some in a box on my dresser. We save one small bag for the boys for whatever trips they took and wanted to spread some of his ashes. My son climbed Mt.Whitney yesterday and left some buried on the summit. ( Don't tell:) His dad was with him on every step of that climb like he was all of his life. I agree that they are just ashes - ashes, dust to dust- my husband's soul is not in those ashes. I love knowing he is in favorite places and places that are important to my boys as they walk this journey. Don't agonize - just do what your heart tells you. Maybe later you will be ok letting some go ,maybe now isn't the time. Sending you Blessings,(((HUGS))) and love my friend- "the other LIsa :)
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Permalink Reply by Suz on -
Lisa,
They are yours. Please feel free to say, "No." You may not want to go into any details of why but, especially if you feel they will not honor them, you do not have to give them to anyone. Being a rummage and estate sale junkie, I have seen everything and anything sold at them. It is not an impossibility.
In two weeks, my daughter and I are going to Jud's hometown to bury his ashes. It has turned into a major production and expense, kind of like a second funeral. This was my greatest worry. He also wanted some spread in the Black Hills. To be quite honest, if his parents hadn't approached him three weeks before he died, they would all be in the black hills. Now I have to pay for chairs and an awning and a little box and all kinds of crap for something that I think he wanted only to please them.
Such is life but this ash thing sure does suck. It was supposed to be simple!!!
Hugs,
Suz
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