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Hi everyone, I hope you are all well.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and I am soo sad. Im sad all the time,but i find today to be the hardest day. My husband died unexpectedely in the night, his heart stopped. This was 5 months ago.

It might sound sinister, but I really want God to take me so I can be next to my husband. I cannot imagine life without him, specifically since I am only 35.  I would much rather be in the other side with him than here. The pain is unbearable. How do people carry on? How do they face this overwhelming sadness and dispair? 

Take care and thank you. 

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Hello Roxana - first my heart goes out to you.  I wish I could tell you there is a "short cut" or whatnot out of...this, but there isn't.  I remember (for me it's been 7 years) that the first few weeks then months were the absolute worst.  

I will admit to you that I feel like you still from time to time today.  Sometimes more so than not.

BUT - (forgive the following I hope)  you really are - young.  And all I'm going to say that I'm sure that your beloved would want you to take care of yourself and go forward.  Notice I do not say "move on" - that is an ignorant and horrible phrase.  We do not - "move on."  We carry on, move forward, but I don't think we "move on."

You do not mention kids, so do you have any?  That can be a reason...but ultimately, perhaps doing something tangible in his memory, making sure no one forgets - that can be a way forward.  

And know that he loves you and will always love you.  That's a given that is something that will never change.

And I too believe that whenever my time comes, I know that I'll be with my Melinda "on the other side."  I will admit I am scared of growing old, especially growing old alone, but I am not scared about what comes afterwards.

So I send you hugs and please know that your husband will always always be with you.  Makes sure no one forgets!

And TAKE CARE ALSO OF YOURSELF!

Dear Timelord,

Thank you so much for the kind words, you really made my day when you said Mark loves me and he always will. Maybe he is celebrating our anniversary also wherever he is. He always used to say::you give me 30 years of marriage then you are free to go/die. and here we are, not even 6 years in, and he is gone. I found a truly special human being and now lost him. Mark was/is the most faithful, honest, generous, sacrificial human being I have ever met. :(

We dont have children. 

The thought that i will meet him again keeps me going, and it could be sooner than we think. 

I am glad to hear that you managed to find some balance by this point.

hi - as John said, things do...improve with time.  That is true!  I never through it would be - but it does.

And yes, Mark will love you always.  That will never ever ever change.

And I think you will find many things to keep you going - and there is nothing wrong with knowing that you will be together ultimately!

As one person once told me - our journey is not yet done.  But when it is - we will be together with the One we love!

If you need to talk, please reach out!

  

Dear Timelord,

I am still in the phase where I dont want things to get better, because I equate that with letting go of Mark and our marriage,forgetting about him,"moving on", being disloyal. I dont want Mark to become just a nice memory, being forced to transform your husband and your marriage in a nice memory is the cruellest thing. Preserving our love and life is more important right now than trying to preserve myself.

But I do get what you say. Its a question of perception, Rather than taking the desperation  route, we can say:i am still here for a little while, after which I will join him also. The wall between life and death is extremely thin, so in a way we are much closer to the ones that left than we realise. Yet it is so painful to accept that your live together has come to an end. Its like swallowing a mountain.

Thank you again for your encouragement, I can feel the compassion in your words. 

Dear Roxana,

This comment struck me in particular, because I was so recently talking with a friend about the sense of not wanting things to get better because that meant change, meant moving on somehow. But we don't move on, we don't let go. Grief moves with us. If you haven't read anything about "continuing bonds"- the idea that our relationships continue past one person's death- that might be helpful or comforting to you. Personally, I feel my Skip's presence often. I can hear him laughing in my ear or snarling angrily when someone treats me badly, sympathizing when I have a hard day... Our life together hasn't come to an end, it's just different now. (Which, I realize, is also incredibly hard.)

Roxana,

First of all, ((Hugs)).

Second: You're at the five-month mark. I know how much that hurts...but please keep on doing what it takes on a day-by-day (and from where you are, maybe second-by-second would be more accurate) basis. You're at a very significant milestone in your own "Year of Firsts", and this is unbelievably difficult. Take one small step at a time. [Also, sit and rest whenever you feel that would be the better/smarter thing to do.] This is basically how we all "carry on", and we read and post here as well. This web site is a lifeline for people in out positions, so please make use of it. Everyone handles being widowed differently: some mourn for a short time, while others take much longer. (Nothing is "right" or "wrong".) You will eventually have "good moments" in between all the bad ones; every now and then you might have a "good day" among all the bad days. Early on they this may surprise (or annoy) you. After a while more good days happen. I heard this from people who were years ahead of me when I was five months out, and I thought to myself: "NEVER!"--and you may be feeling the same way as you read this. That's OK.

Finally: What you think is "sinister" is quite normal--and certainly an honest expression of how you're feeling. I felt very much the same way when I first became a widower. That said, it is one thing to think such thoughts...but if you feel you might *act* on them, it might be a good time to turn to someone (a trusted friend, counselor, or someone else) who is in a better position to help you than we are. Please be your own best friend.

Dear John,

Thank you for taking from your time to write these encouraging words,they mean the world to me. Its so comforting to hear from people that went through this already and that can be encouraging without diminishing in any way the pain  we are going through or minimising the importance of these marriages in our lives.

I hope you are at a point in your journey where you feel much more at peace.

We just had what would have been our 8th wedding anniversary, but on one awful night SJ was taken from us. It's been over 1 year, which still feels like yesterday, but I had a good day looking at our pictures and remembering the awesome times we had together. It was way too short, no doubt, but at the end of that day, I was greateful that this beautiful lady decided to marry me. I also had a great conversation that day with her sister who is hurting too, and that made us feel much better. Not to say that tomorrow might be a bummer, but it is healing. Hang in there, we all understand the pain no doubt. It does get better, and it has taken awhile for me to understand and accept that.

Many thanks to participants on this forum, we may not know each other, but y'all have helped a lot of us get through and continue to heal.

Dear J,

thank you for the advice, im glad you are feeling better. Hopefully I will reach that point too.

You are right, this forum is so helpful, many kind people in here.

take care and thank you again

It  is well  with  your  soul.  Be comforted.  we  are  feel  the  same  way most  of  the  times. the  truth remains  that when  someone  we  love becomes  a  memory,  the  memory becomes  a  treasure.

Oh Roxana, I feel that. I too am only 35, lost my partner about five months ago, and have so much life left ahead of me... and some days, I just don't know how to face that without my beloved. Anniversaries are especially hard. Ours was in July.

The only real answer to "how do you carry on" is one day at a time. Sometimes that's too much, and we just go one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. Treat yourself with as much kindness and gentleness as you possibly can right now. Some things that have helped me over the past few months include spending time with loved ones (especially people I can cuddle with), being outside, going for walks, my regular meditation practice, eating good food, going to the doctor when I couldn't sleep and getting on sleep meds for now, finding the right people to talk to about my grief and my partner... Of course, I didn't figure all of this out at once or anything, I just tried to do one thing, and if that helped some I kept it, and so on.

I also take great solace in creating small spiritual rituals around special days. Going somewhere special, lighting a candle, singing, making art, reciting a poem, praying, etc.

Sweet Melissa, thank you. The problem is I have ME and im pretty much stuck at home , so I cant do most things. Im glad you managed to find some dort of balance in  your life. How I wish we wouldnt be here and this would be just a bad dream. 

Love and hugs

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