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Does this happen to you?  While it has been 8 months since my husband passed away of Multiple Myeloma and my crying is not lie it was in the first weeks, there are days that the sadness lays heavy on me.  I still am not all comfortable with the alone-ness and the long evenings.  I met my  husband when I was 20 and we were married for 42 years.  I always had someone to count on, be with, and  love. We have two grown sons and one little granddaughter. One son is very loving and invites me to come over and participate in family things, etc. The other has changed a lot since his dad died. He has become distant. My husband and sons were always very close: lie three peas in a pod.

I still look over at Dan's easy chair and can almost envision him sitting there.  I miss the things he liked to cook for us sometimes.  I always knew he had my back. When my car broke down last week, I had to reach out to a cousin; I really could not think of a friend I wanted to ask for help. It is not easy to keep up with my yard work that I never liked and my husband did.  I have to hire people for all sorts of things all the time and so many things seem to have needed to be repaired or replaced this year. 

I think I took for granted in a way that I always had someone to be with, to go to a movie with, to go out to dinner with, to take a trip with, to pick me up at the airport when I went solo to visit some family, someone to call when my car broke down, someone to spend the weekends and evenings with, etc...

I am alone in a house that was a home for a family! I miss my family so much.

I am starting a program for women this week.  My husband and I started many such things together and as I got out supplies, there was his handwriting and it brought tears to my eyes.  I know so many people have it so much worse.  Some lose their spouse young and have to raise children by themselves for example. Or some have a spouse leave them and that is a crushing hurt.  I was so fortunate to have had decades with Dan. But I miss him so.  I never really considered growing old alone. Did you?

Some days I can stay busy all day and other days I am sad all day.  Weekends seems hardest when I face a day without too many plans. How is it for you?

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Hello, I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel normal but other days ... Father’s Day was the worst.

Ciao inexplicably some days i feel as i can face his absence and find good in my life now...and some days the sky fall  on me ...

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse is by far been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. We have 4 children that I now get to put my focus on and although they keep me busy and on my toes, believe me when I tell you that I am still lonely because no matter what no one can take the place of my husband in my heart.

Mrs. Linda, I wanted to send some love to you.

My Stephen also had multiple myeloma.  Unfortunately it was the very first round of chemo medication that was his downfall.  

You didn't take your life for granted.  You just lived, never thinking this change would come so soon.  No matter how young, old, or years we had, it's always still too soon.

I remember the first time I handled a repair or issue without Stephen.  I gave myself permission to pity myself, then pushed forward to get the issue resolved.  I know he's proud that I did it.  This past Christmas, four months after he left, I packed up my car and my pup and drove four states to spend two weeks with family.  Then drove back.  I have never done this alone.  We have no children, and I have no family where I live.  I plan to change that soon and relocate near family again.

The busy and sad days are part of the process.  And trying to fill the days can become almost unbearable.  But I wake each morning saying it's a new day, instead of it's just another day.... 

Hugs, ~Shirley

And it is not only missing Dan but SO many things have gone wrong since he passed away.  New water heater, new toilets, new windows, new roof coming.  This past week his car broke down and it was $1200 in repairs.  This week my AC is coming on sometimes and not others and the 3 people and agencies I called cannot come in the next few days and temps are in the 90s and I host two ladies groups at my house.  Dan was a great fix-it man. Oh, and the old sprinkler system---have had it worked on a half dozen times already. I don't know if I can keep my yard alive. Dan could fix the sprinklers or at least he kept them going.  Next summer with so many major things already taken care of, I will look into at least one new zone for water.  It takes hours to water the lawn and moving sprinklers, etc. Dan seemed to enjoy it and I always hated it.  Am going to let the grass grow longer so hopefully it will not burn up too fast. It has been constant aggravation it seems. And maybe that is part of being alone.  This home was a family home with a husband and children and life and laughter ...once.  Today I happened on a wedding and for a brief moment it was like I was back at my own wedding day, so many years ago.  It all came back. What a day it was!  So many of those loved ones are gone now.

Linda it's the same for me...after his death a lot of beautiful things simply someone said to me: your life can't be as before...try to understand that!...the world changed...and it's hard for me accept and let go...hugs Roxi

We are forced to learn a new way of handling these types of issues and a new way to look at and live life.  But our loved ones would want us to carry on, I have no doubt of that, so we carry the torch.

I've learned to take each issue at a time as it comes up.  Doesn't remove the stress of the moment, then I pull myself up and get on with it.  I always ask myself "what have you learned from this experience" and most times it's that stressing about it doesn't change it.  It happens to work for me.  (Like the fact that I discovered I have small bats roosting in my soffit.  Which can't be addressed until after August 15 legally.)

Carry on ladies.  These things exhaust us, but whether we realize it or not at the time, they make us stronger.

Hugs ~Shirley

It will be 9 years in November and yes, I still have those moments and days.  I will not not miss him.  When my doctor asks how my depression is, I say I'm always going to be somewhat depressed and it's situational, not biochemical.  I take antidepressants but I was on them for years before he died.  I miss him, plain and simple.  It's okay to feel sad, and it's okay to cry no matter how long they have been going.  They were a big part of who we were; and no longer are.  I miss our time together, our laughing together; the things we shared.  I miss his intelligence, his knowledge, they way he took care of me - and the way I took care of him.  He was an amazing husband and a super-fantastic dad.  He never ever raised his voice to our daughters, and he was always nothing but loving and supportive towards them - and me, too. It's okay to feel whatever you feel.

There were 2 sayings used often on a young widow board I use to be a member of ...

"Everything breaks when you become a widow" ...

"Everything breaks when your husband dies" ...

It took many years before I found interpreting/seeing challenges as lessons in how to take care of myself did they become easier to cope with albeit w/screaming, not paralyzing depression ...  ;-)

Since grief ended, I have been able to firmly say w/out having a meltdown that my challenges made me a stronger. I can now meet challenges head on w/out hesitation ...

Hope this helps ...

Take care of yourself ...

Hello.  I think what you said here is good.  And I'm glad you are doing well.  You said "since grief ended..."  Does it end?  It will be 9 years in November since the love of my life died and I'm still grieving... I think I will always grieve.  We had been married 31 years when he died.  

Yes, why is it that so many things seem to break? Right now my AC/Furnace is out.  has been for a week.  Hard to get someone to the house.  It has been hot.  I hope that gets fixed tomorrow. The sprinkler system is mostly out.  I hope to get that fixed because moving a sprinkler around takes about 2 hours to water the lawn. I hate doing that!  My husband rather enjoyed it and also he could fix the darn thing. He had boxes of sprinkler repair items which I gave to the last sprinkler repair guy that came over.  And I gave a box of lubricants and oils and other stuff to a handy man who has had to come out numerous times.  Going go through the nails and screws and all that and pare down and donate to Habitat for Humanity.  

I think my pseudo-daughter-in-law made a good point in that Dan could "Gerry-rig" things and keep them going but it was all band-aids. And I don't know how to do the band-aid. And the house is 44 years old and things are at their end. Older appliances which are holding on. Going to get a new roof. Dan's vehicle broke down. Frustrating!  But I am hoping that once I attend to all these repairs that life with the home front will get easier.

But, yes, so much has broken since my husband--who I met when I was 20--passed away last fall.  And I wondered how I would get through the summer and here is it half way through. One day at a time.  I have started two ladies groups.  Have a week long training coming up.  And will start Biblical school in the fall. Still there are some long evenings and so forth and even today when out and about the thought of coming home to my empty home was a sad one. But I am watching youtube on walking the Camino de Santiago and I want to do that next year! That has me excited. Something to look forward to and make plans for.

God bless all of you dear hearts who grieve.

From the practical side, in general, men keep an eye on the house & vehicle(s). It's like everything magically runs smoothly when its actually the many reason(s) they are busy in the garage, out in the yard or running to a home improvement or automotive store, etc ...
A house & car both require upkeep & maintenance. I assume this what you mean by "gerry rigging". Many repairs are quick & easy fixes. Lubricants, oils, filters & replacement parts are necessary to keep any type of machinery in good working order as well as others. If you find a neighbor or fellow church member to volunteer services, having these items handy will get the job done faster as well as lower the cost from having to replace them. Some repairmen will reduce the cost of repairs if you have the replacement parts. BTW, a sprinkler system can get clogged often, if that happens, it only takes unscrewing the heads to clean them out ...
I watch alot of YouTube videos on repairs especially by women to guage if I am physically able to do the job at 61 years old. Incredibly, repair work has helped reduce my pain from polymyalgia. So far, the only job I was not able to do on my own or w/help was drop the gas tank on my Tahoe to replace the fuel pump, otherwise, everything has been doable. A few have been challenging to learn, however, engaging them built up my self confidence to resolve my feelings of helplessness & pining for Bob. If you feel more comfortable using a handyman or professional repairman, try to get a few cost estimates first as well as schedule regular upkeep & maintenance. Taking care of practical matters is "helping yourself". It builds self esteem, reduce future grief jags, moves you forward in your healing as well as allows you to grieve & miss the love he gave you. I hated missing Bob for his repairman skills, it made him seem replaceable ...

Be gentle w/yourself as it will take time to get it altogether while you experience the hardest year(s)...

Take care of yourself ...


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