my anniversary is in 2 days and i just can't bear it. me and smike would have been married for 43 years. it just hurts. i feel alone and lost. if i stay busy doing things i have to focus on, it's not too bad. i enjoy things i guess, but when the movie is done, or i finish a game, or come home from an outing, no matter how much i enjoyed it, i feel meh. this is the worst time of day. i hate the night. it's too quiet and too long. i dread going to bed because i know that when i stop reading and turn out the light, my thoughts will run away from me and they only stop when i finally can't stay awake any longer.
i feel like if i can just keep going, maybe i can get through this. but i am tired. man, am i tired. tired of looking after things, making decisions, paying the bills, getting repairs done, knowing i'll always be doing them alone. alone until the day i die.
yes, i know i am not physically alone, but family and friends are not my smikeman, are they. sadly, there's just no substitute. they try, they really do, and i appreciate their efforts, but it only helps so much. ya know?
i am aware, that one day down the road i won't be stuck in this abyss of loneliness and despair, but it's just holding on 'til then. that is really hard sometimes.
you know what helps me sometimes? Kitty Scramble: Word Finding & Cross-Stitch World all of my FB friends get bombarded with shares from those apps, but i'm not apologizing. it's my therapy, sort of. and i do truly enjoy them, but for now, i am a little O/C about them.
i am a skin picker and it's gotten really bad, but at least i haven't attacked my face, yet. my eating is so unhealthy, too, but i don't seem to care about it. i'm trying to fill the emptiness. mostly chips, iced coffee, sandwiches with some meat and a few cherry tomatoes thrown in there for good measure.
i'm hoping, no, praying that next month will be better. i'll be passed my anniversary and there won't be anything i specifically associate with smike for awhile.
You are so very early in your loss, smikette, please give yourself some grace and just feel what you feel. Tears are good. It's far worse to hold them all in because they will force their way out eventually. And playing those games? I did that, too. It was an escape. A place I could go to and not have to think about everything. It's harmless (and your friends can turn off those notifications).
For the last few years I've been doing acts of kindness on our wedding anniversary. I started on what would have been our 45th and did 45 acts. It really does help me to get through that day by doing some kind things for others. This year will be 49 and I'm dreading it and next year but will take a deep breath and do those acts of kindness anyway. I've already scheduled a blood donation that morning (my guy died of a blood cancer). Not sure I would have been up to doing these things those first years, however, so maybe you could try to just do one thing that day for someone else and see how it feels.
I don't know what part of Ontario you are in, but we do have some regional groups up there … and I'll be in Toronto for our Camp Widow weekend in November. It really can make a difference to find others you can connect with in person. You can put your city in the search box on this page https://www.soaringspirits.org/regional-social-events and it will show you if there are any groups near you. Or just send me a private message of the city where you live and I can give you the info. We have groups who meet in Toronto, Halton/Peel, Barrie and London.
Sorry for your recent loss, smikette. I hope you can find some comfort here on this site amongst other widows and widowers who are experiencing the same. Many people here are at various stages of grief and others are past grief and here to offer support. It’s awfully hard in those early months—everything seems so challenging. The hardest thing is learning to be patient with ourselves during this time. Grief stays with us for as long as it does, we are all different. To be positive— each day is a step closer to healing.
I know I didn’t eat well either, a lot of widows here confess to the same thing. Come dinner time, I was too worn out to think about cooking dealing with the emotional and business issues, I would grab whatever. Then I tried cooking early in the day and reheating at night. Also, always make extra if freezing portions is possible. I always make two meatloafs and slice them into portions and freeze. To reheat, nuke them for two minutes and done, I freeze a lot of food that way. I know you may not be ready to concentrate on that yet but keep in mind, we need to stay healthy too. Take care of you. You say you know you will get past this, and you will. I am approaching 10 yrs. Life is different in many ways but it is still very good! Wishing you peace.
((Hugs)) I can't add anything better than Dianne and Callie have added so I'll just say, you aren't alone.