My house is much too big for one person and the maintenance is difficult for me, but I am so undecided if I want to sell it and, if I did, where would I go? So many folks advise to wait a year. Well, I'm 5 months into this journey and feel that I need to start looking at the possibilities. Given that my Jim's death was sudden and unexpected, I had NEVER considered anything other than staying here till we were both gone.
I'm 63 which is relatively young, but old enough to not feel that I have the energy or interest to start a whole new life. Maybe things will change as this grief process unfolds, but it is hard for me to want to think about all the changes required to sell this house and then move elsewhere. On the other hand, I just cannot bear the thought of living out the rest of my life here in the old 6 bedroom house with the original 1968 furnace. My hubby was very good at doing a bit of maintenance here and there; he knew when and who to call in to fix things before they broke it seems. My cash flow is not as good as ours was before our nest egg became an "estate" that had to be divided.
I'm wondering what others are thinking. What are the pitfallls? Did anyone have some success with staying? Or with moving?
Thanks so much to all of you out there who share so much of yourselves here. Hugs!
Fifteen months after my husband died, I bought the house of my dreams. I was married for 27 years. I've loved my old wooden cottage that we both remodeled together and lived in for 21 years but the upkeep and maintenance is more than I can handle. My husband business was also on this property and it sits on waterfront. I loved living on the water as I have most of my life. I have a male friend of many years who also lost his wife. We felt in love and decided we should purchase a house together. We are chasing ghosts and memories in each of our houses and need a fresh start.. We talked about remodeling my cottage but the cost would be high and I prefer to sell it as is. I did say that I wouldn't move unless I had a water view of some sort. The house we purchased has that and is everything I would have wanted in our new place. We now have a place to make our own memories which I believe is so important with my new relationship. We married a month ago and closed on the house two weeks later. So I am living proof that lives does go on, especially for those over 60. For me, God was there every step of the way and let me know when the timing was right for everything I've done. I am blessed and I know that each of you can find that place that will let you live again and be happy again. Remember that our departed ones would want us to be happy and live. Not be sad and broken. God has a plan for each of us. Just listen. I am glad I did.
Another update: I've rented the duplex I was hoping to get. Everything is going so well that it scares me! Isn't it awful when we just expect bad things to happen anymore? I am trying to get beyond that in my life and to feel that of course, I deserve good things to happen. Here's a picture of my new house if you would like to see it on my blog:
Your new home is lovely, Sanmora. Sending my good luck wishes that this move will be smooth and easy and you'll have great fun decorating your new place.
Seeing the link to your blog reminded me that I clicked on that link a year ago (July 1st) and that's where I first saw the Brave Girls Club badge. Not sure I ever thanked you for that - but since finding Brave Girls was life-changing for me, I sure do owe you my gratitude. THANK YOU!
I had been planning to retire when I hit 60 so my hubby & I could spend time together & travel. But cancer arrived and he died when I was 59. During those first months, I thought I needed to move away somewhere, anywhere other than staying in this house we had lived in since 1983. I traveled to Key West at 2-1/2 months, just to get away from all the holiday hoopla ... and came back thinking I needed to move to the Gulf Coast of Florida, to be near the ocean. But as time passed and my 60th arrived, I realized I wasn't ready to stop working. I needed that normalcy each week. So here I am at 62, still working (but in a different position at the same company) and still thinking about where I'm supposed to end up. These are tough questions.
The thought of fixing this place up to sell is overwhelming; so many things need repair. So I remain. And I write checks for the things that must be done. We've been here long enough that it's paid off, and that (plus my paycheck) allow me the freedom to do most of the things I want. I'll have 30 years at my company in 2016, so I may keep working til then - or not. Like Sanmora, I think I will prefer to rent so I don't have to be responsible for all the fixin' ... much nicer to be able to just call someone and tell them the washer isn't working or the garage door opener isn't working and not have to write the check. I'm approaching 3 years and I'm happy that I've stayed here. It's comfortable. I haven't made any major changes, but I'm feeling ready to do some of that now. Good luck with your decision, Liz.
My thoughts on going or staying the past year and a half are: I'm staying -- I'M NOT STAYING -- I'm staying - I'M NOT STAYING -- I can't leave -- I can't stay -- too many memories -- too few memories elsewhere - I'm staying -- I'M NOT STAYING -- I'm staying - I'M NOT STAYING -- You can't make me go -- you can't make me tsay -- I can't leave -- I can't stay --
(hope that helps.......) In all seriousness, I am making an appt. to see an apartment complex or two just to see what else is out there.
Thanks for bringing up this topic. Based on your description of your home, it is very understandable for you to move out of it for it is so much space for one person and so much maintenance. If that is what you want to do, then move.
I was widowed 19 months ago and it is a lot of work maintaining a home. My husband used to be able to fix everything.
I lost my husband of 20 years to a rare cancer some 19 months ago, and I am raising our teen son in our marital home. I did have the old carpet removed and new floors installed and bought new furniture to replace the 20 year old sofa and chairs. I had to make changes to make it feel different, but the memories make it a double-edged sword. At times I feel staying here is detrimental to my moving forward as this is my "marital home." I have been a mom and homemaker who worked part-time, but then became the caregiver to my husband as he battled cancer.
Now as a widow and only-parent, at some point I have to find work to support my son and I. At times I feel like staying here in my "marital home" makes it harder to shift from "wife mode" into "widow/single woman/working mom."
I have no family in this state and in the last months of his life, my husband told me he thought I should move back to New Jersey to be near family. I am beginning to think that is something I will do next summer as I am tired of being away from all of the relatives. None of them ever come out to Texas, and I do miss New Jersey even though I have not lived there in 22 years.
Anyhow, if I were in your shoes, I would put the house up for sale and move to a low maintenance place that is smaller to free yourself of the burden of a huge empty house that needs repairs.
All the best to you.
I moved to a new town and a new house shortly after my husband passed away. I was actually looking for a house for us while he was ill. I wanted us to be closer to our daughters and grandsons. After he passed away I continued my search. The house we had was too big for just me and too far away from family. I stayed with my daughter while I was looking. Put our old house on the market and found a fixer upper close to my girls. I had that house worked on, the inside was the first thing done so that I could move in. I did sell our old house, not for as much as i would have liked but with the market the way it was 3 years ago I took what I could get. I have finally finished all (I hope) of the work that needed to be done, inside and out, and I do like my little house. Of course there will always be little things to take care of. I like it, It's comfortable, has enough room for me and guests when I have them. I made it the way I wanted it to look. I'm still meeting people here and trying to get more involved in things finally. Trying to get out of my rut. This was the best decision I could have made for myself, probably the only decision. I am where I want to be, close to family and they love having me nearby.
I moved out of the temporary structure we were living in with our two sons and a househelp. The reason of moving was because we were being harassed by some militia kind of group that are notorious in some parts of Nairobi. That is the Mungiki group. I moved to a house that was under construction and later due to insecurity again, i moved to some gated community.
I can confirm that it is not easy staying int he marital house; those memories arent easy to carry. After his death, i had to change most of the household items especially in my bedroom and the sitting/dining room.
Hey Roz--I'm Beverly. Thanks for the invite to share your page. I have no answer or even suggestions on what might be best. I CAN relate to missing a husband that could fix or HAVE fixed almost anything BEFORE it broke. I'm certainly going to miss that in Robert- And I do understand the CASH FLOW not Flowing as easily as we live solo! I so miss the ease that I had before Robert's death---Tis' is life before April 6th!
Welcome to our new life---I'm praying daily for us all-
I know that you have heard this a thousand times and hear it is again: give yourself time-- It would be nice if you could say put for the next school year allowing your grandchildren to get back into a routine before the next big adventure----the possible move-
And "yes" moving into a shelter does sound a bit scary to me too-
Can you get Social Security for your grandchildren?
Oh Liz, try not to get too down about it. It sounds like you couldn't make up your mind and even though I know it will be hard, maybe having the decision taken out of your hands will turn out to be a plus. A month doesn't seem like a very long time to look for a place and move, maybe you can negotiate that if you need to. Sending lots of hugs your way.