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My DH of 35 years passed suddenly & unexpectedly away in May.  I have naturally been on a roller-coaster of grief & shock.

We have 2 adult children together (30 & 34) and he has a son from a previous marriage of 40.  I am the executor and trustee of his estate, which most of was held jointly, except for maybe 30% which was in his name or held as tenants in common.  

In his will DH left all three children the same amount of money as a bequest and the rest passes to me.  I can't pay any of the bequests until probate is passed anyway.

In the last couple of weeks my stepson asked whether I was making provision for him 'to make up for the fact that dad left his estate to you and you will naturally be leaving it to your bio children and grandchildren'.  I emailed back to say his dad provided for his children equally and that our fathers had left their estate to our mothers and that we never received any bequests.  I told him his dad wanted to put that right and make sure his children received something in his will.  I also added that I found his comments insensitive at this time so soon after DH death.

Yesterday I received a cutting and hurtful email saying I never accepted or loved him nd mentioned a time I never hugged him 33 years ago!  He said he would have expected his dad to have split his estate 50/50 leaving half to me and half between his children. He did say that he would still like a relationship with his 2 half siblings s they are so nice i.e I'm the wicked stepmother and they are nothing like me.

My bio son doesn't accept that I treated his half brother in this way and is shocked he sent those emails to me.  DSS thinks all the money was his dad's - or earned by him- but doesn't take into account I brought into the marriage a property, mother's inheritance, worked for DH for no salary and brought up the children.  

My own children haven;t had the cheek to question what their dad left them and haven't asked what I'm leaving them.  I'm 65 for heaven's sake and will need all the income for my own needs and to pay for any care in later life. Hoping all this aggravation doesn't finish me off or make me ill!

What is it with step children that they need totake out all their anger and grief out on their step parent!  t's like a form of bullying

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I'm so sorry your DSS is being so mean to you. This is the last thing you need to deal with! *hugs*
The kids are lucky to get anything right now, IMO. Our wills were written all to wife/all to husband.

His father made that decision and believed he was being fair. Your concern must be for you, don't allow him to make you feel bad. You don't get to negotiate an inheritance. It is not an entitlement and as long as you're still living, he'll have to wait a while and then IF you feel he is deserving...

Am in a similar situation and my stepson no longer communicates with me. I think they think that they should have it now but they are very wrong. He is still in my will but you know as time goes by, I am seriously considering some changes. I think they fail to understand that by acting this way, it may not be in their best interest.

I got nothing from either of my parents but I was not disappointed. Why? I never expected anything. I really find this type of behavior (stepsons) as insulting and disrespectful. In your case, perhaps a little more time would be a good idea to see how things sort out. You probably have more than you can handle right now so concentrate on you! I am sorry for your recent loss and I do know the effects of it being sudden. Try not to let this fellow upset you. Suggestion: I would tell him, gee, sorry you feel that way. Your Dad made that decision.

Yes Callie,, and Lindi, it is a tradition (at least in the U.S)- to leave all to spouse; that is how we (and my parents and grandparents) did it.

 One stepdaughter was upset, and he didn't want her to have anything anyway, after we gave her too much already, and she never finished college or got a real job, but i have kept her and the other step kids in my will and as beneficiaries.  But I added his sister and a friend as beneficiaries.  I hear from a friend of mine in Austria the law demands something for the kids.  I feel fortunate.  My stepchildren have not contacted me for a while and that is fine with me.  They get over it.  The last time that one called she was excited about a piece of jewelry with her father's ashes inside.  I would have had to pay shipping to send ashes and back and for the necklace, outrageous price and how do you know whose ashes are in there?  I invited her via email to come and get ashes and haven't heard from her since.

I sent the ones with kids of their own a check for the holidays the second year and it took them forever to thank me.  The first year I packed up memorabilia he had saved and and gifts for the grandkids and it took them forever to come and get it all.  With no thanks except from one, much later.

I have no children of my own but don't mind disconnecting from ungrateful step kids.

I just don't understand the sense of entitlement as though it is owed to them. It is not. While I don't expect anything from them, I even mentioned to the grandkids, hey, send me an e-mail and just say hi. Now how much effort does that require? I do have a son and family. If I need them for something, they are here.

I have not written stepson out of the will but I am considering some changes. What I would really like for son and stepson to do is put whatever (if there is any) money left into some sort of retirement fund as neither has one! They do not understand how quickly time passes--they are both in their late forties already!

Yes, I have to agree with you, if they are ungrateful, to heck wth them. I was sending the grandkids money for birthdays and Christmas, rarely a thankyou. Never a card for me for any occasion, no e-mails or phone calls, at least very rarely. Well, this year I have stopped doing that. I felt bad about it at first, it was hard, as I always treated all the grandchildren the same but on the other hand, they have chosen to cut me out of their lives. BTW, they are now adults in their twenties--they drive and live only a couple miles away. So, if things change, I am open but for now, it is what it is. I gave them some personal items from their father/grandfather. I sorted through hundreds of pictures and made them photo albums. You know, it's a two-way street here.

Anyway, there are other discussions on here regarding step children. I think it's always good to let time pass and emotions settle down a bit before making any decisions but in my case, it is over eight years. So really, this is their decision.

Wow, I feel lucky.  DH had a will leaving everything to me but he and I talked about me doing something for his brother and my stepson. DSS has been through 2 divorces and I THINK he knows what he wants to be when made he grows up now.  We decided to leave DSS DH's $18,000 IRA.  We discussed it with DSS and it turned out he was most interested in liquidating it rather than rolling it over, and paying the associated taxes and penalties.  We changed tack and made ME the IRA beneficiary and I just wrote DSS a check from other funds.

DBIL is over 80, has emphysema, is married to a shopaholic and has few creature comforts left.  We'd been sending him cigarettes because he lives in CA and they're crazy expensive and taxes in our state are low.  DH and I agreed that the most sensible thing was not a lump sum but $1K/month for 24 months as long as he or DSIL were alive.  (We would not have put it past DSIL, who is much younger, to not tell me if DBIL died and keep cashing the checks.)  DBIL is still calling when he runs out of cigarettes and my calculation is that he's now up to almost a pack a day, compared to 5 to 6 cigarettes per day in earlier periods.  Hey, they're free, right?

I'm grateful my side of the family is sane.  Mom died the month before DH last year and none of us asked Dad what we were getting.  If Dad dies after spending his last dime it's all good.

I don't understand the sense of entitlement these days.

My two step daughters were horrible right from day one when the 23 yr old was searching through the paperwork in the bedroom looking for a will. They were even more upset when they found out they didn't get any insurance either. Both are adults, married and living on their own. My wife did give some of the insurance to my 10 yr old stepson, which I agree with. The girls will get a few thousand from the estate and they got a lot of furniture from the house.

Through cleaning out the house, they thought everything there was up for grabs and even tried to give stuff to friends without asking

In the end, I won't have any relationship with them going forward. I would have gladly and been there to help them in the long run. This is what they deserve for the disrespect they showed me.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with your stepson. It hurts since you probably see him as an extension of you late husband and again are at a loss.


I was once told people tend to look like vultures after a death ...

Uh, no, they act like vultures ...

Regardless, if his anger is at Dad for whatever reason(s), you're caught in the middle & it's not your problem ...

No matter how you try to rationalize or excuse him for it to soften the blow, the anger caused by the bad timing of his demands are still prevalent & powerful. I feel for you, resolving anger is another unexpected gut wrenching issue w/grief. It is unfair to be bombarded during our darkest hour w/matters that seem so irrelevant to the death of our spouse ... 

This is something he has to work out on his own, I'm certain if he has complained to others about it they are going to grow tired of listening to it at some point, hopefully soon, someone will speak up to set him straight. Maybe, he'll address the issue w/you in a civil manner next time, however, if he's still angry or feeling emotional about his father, it can go either way ...

You've explained to him the details of the will, when it will pay out & contact will be made at that time, no sooner. From there, I'd block his e-mail unless you want further contact ...

I did that w/Bob-O's parents, mostly to keep my kids from seeing their Gawd awful ruthless snake like behavior ...

This is your time to grieve, do what is best for you ...

Blessings ...

wow, I was lucky, I didn't even have to probate Frank's will as all assets were either named beneficiary (me) or joint tenants with rights of survivorship. Stepkids never even asked about the will. They are all grown and doing well. They probably think there wasn't much, as we always lived a fairly frugal lifestyle. They would be shocked to know how much we were able to put away, from that frugality.

My husband of 24 yrs passed 02/26/17, and its been a legal battle with my stepdaughter since. I have not allowed to grieve, having to go to court hearings. On the same note she keeps postponing dispositions and trial date. She doesn't want to go to trial because she will lose. She just prolongs this to rack up attorney fees to pressure me into settling. Its extortion. She has bad mouth her late father in order to inherit. It is shameful.

Lady J,
I assume she is contesting the will. I'm wondering though, why she gets away with postponements especially if she has done this on more than one occasion. Are you confident of the legal advice you are receiving? I mean, I'm not a lawyer but it would seem unfair to me. You were married 24 yrs to this man, why does she feel entitled to anything?

I could be wrong but if he left all to wife then what's her beef? It really sounds like she is more concerned about "suff" and/or money than the passing of her father. As I have said before, it is hard to understand where some of these kids get this sense of entitlement. When a parent remarries, this does not give them the right to demand an inheritance upon their death, unless of course it was something agreed upon prior and spelled out in a will. If you were her mother and not her stepmother, would she be reacting the same way? I doubt it.

Wishing you good luck with this. It's hard enough trying to get through all the other paperwork and day to day living without having to deal with something like this, it is cruel. If it continues too much longer, maybe consult another attorney (for a consultation) or the bar association to ask if this type of thing is allowed to go on indefinitely. It just doesn't sound right to me because like you say, it ends up costing you more legal fees.


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