I can deal with living alone. The part that’s tough is the feeling of being lost. It’s like being far out at see where the horizon goes on forever. The sails are up, the water is calm but there is no wind. Every direction looks the same. Nothing to see. Even if the wind decided to blow, which direction is the way to go? Ride the wind and see what happens is the only optionI guess. Sailing into nothingness with only hope as motivation.
I’m in relatively good shape for my age. People usually react with surprise when I tell them my age. Most of the people I do things with, as few and far between as those times arise, are at least 10 years younger than me. Just not doing it for me.
I don’t feel my situation is unique but the last 15 years of her life were consumed with hospital, doctor and pharmacy visits than vacation spots. Don’t take this wrong but most people in the groups I have met with since, are older, out of shape, have health issues or just not people I click with. Some of it is on me but other interests are not there. They acted too old already. Now I don’t want to climb mountains, skydive or swim with sharks but I don’t exactly want to sit in front of a TV and play board games.
My biggest problem is I have no idea how to sail. I don’t know how to get it moving in any direction. That’s if I knew what direction I wanted to go.
At least you are still afloat.
Oh gosh, can I relate to your post. It's been 2 years and I still don't know in which direction I'm going. I'm told to do things I like to do but, each one reminds me too much that he's no longer here. I getting to the point where I don't know what to try in order to put some joy in my life.
Yes, we use to do almost everything together. But if we didn't, we would come home to each other.
I too have that lost feeling. Paul passed away on Dec. 7, 2016. ( Almost 3 yrs.) And I still feel alone.
There are so many things that we had planned to go and places to travel to. Now all I can do THINK about all of our plans that won't come to light.
When I go out to eat at a restaurant, I get looks that say, " Why Are You Here Alone ? " It took a couple of years to be able to go out by myself.
You mentioned that most of the people in groups you went to are older. Some may be young, but they just act older. I want to live and do something. I don't want people to look at me and think, " Poor Susan ".
I better get off of the soap box. They you're feeling, you're not alone.
Actually, you really do belong on this site. This is the place to vent, ask questions, cry, scream and talk. The idea of the site is to give us a place to read and be reassured that we are not alone in our frustration, anger, pain, and feeling as if a bomb had gone off imploding and exploding our lives.
If you read many of these topics you will find others who either are where you are in your loss, behind you in where you are in your loss, or ahead of you in your loss. It is designed for you to come to understand that while the facts may be different, the path is similar. Many offer what helped them as they traveled through the months and years since their loss. Many of these notes are crammed with ideas, suggestions, and as you point out many are filled with tears, agony and shell shock.
You are right in you comment about being lost, and adrift at sea. We tend to loose our goals, our aims, and our purpose in life. In a raft adrift at sea with no compass to guide us as we try to recover. There is no easy road, no beaten path to follow to "normalcy." If we read these posts we will get insight from others who have gone before us and from those with insight to figure out what is working for them. Some blend of their ideas, combined with yours and your instinct will start you in the right direction.
My wife of 35 years, Susan, went to sleep on Sunday night in December 2012 and did not wake up Monday morning. No warning, No nothing. She was here, and then she wasn't. Because of where I live and the Winter Season, I could not get over the pass and into town for three months after her passing. I found this site through one of my son's pastor who was in Virginia. I checked in and joined. I first started reading every post that seemed to ring with me. Then I looked at the Chat Room (now under overhaul). Chat room was filled with folks chatting back and forth about everything under the sun, from food to jokes, to some about their loss, and asking what someone did when xxx happened. But they all seemed to be friends... I, in my grief and agony, was just not ready for the chat room at that time. Eventually, when I read something that helped, I wrote the author and thanked them and asked additional questions. Friendships grew and eventually, I ventured into the Chat Room where everyone took the time to welcome me, and talk with me.
I've found that the common theme is to write. When you talk about your loss include details, feelings, hopes and goals that you shared with your wife. As we write these, we have to think, we have to write things,events, in order. We have to put those thoughts into some logical sequence. In writing out these things they start to make sense, others get to know us, and information exchange occurs, and friendships will begin to grow.
Susan was a diabetic and had been since she was18. She was 65 when she passed due to the ravages of the disease. She lost her kidneys and was on dialysis, both hemodialysis for years, and peritoneal dialysis for years. She had two kidney transplants. The first one she rejected on the exact day that the government determined that she was "cured" back at work and dropped from any financial help. Back on dialysis for another year and then she got the second kidney which was still working when she passed. In between, she nearly lost her sight. She had five spine surgeries, and numerous infections while on dialysis. We retired and moved to our home in the mountains to live out our dreams. We retired in September 2012. We celebrated our 35th anniversary in October 2012, and on Thanksgiving Day in October, 2012 we flew her out on Flight for Life. On the 17th of December, she passed in her sleep with no warning.
Eating out can be tough... Especially if we walk in with that "look" that has folks wondering what happened to us. It's going onto 7 years for me now. I've taken my wedding band off, and when I go in, they always say "For one?" Generally I just answer "Yup" just one tonight." If I visit the same place often enough, sometimes they notice my missing wedding band, and ask, and I tell them that my wife had passed x years ago. The general comment is "Oh I'm sorry." Sometimes I tell them thank you, and other times I tell them with a smile on my face and in my voice, that I'm now living without Adult Supervision, and that I have two Attack House Cats for company.
I live in an area that the government considers "Frontier." Dirt and gravel roads that turn to many inches of mud in the wet seasons. I go into town, a two hour trip, one way, with a "to do" list involving groceries, hardware stores, pet shops, etc. When I'm done shopping I always treat myself to an afternoon meal at a nice restaurant where They Cook for Me. Honestly, the first few times I was lonely, distraught, and lost (what am I doing here?) but I knew I needed to get out and be among people again and so I worked through it and continued.
I hope you decide to stick it out. WV is the place to be, and it can fill in between Grief Group sessions.
I agree with Frank. Please stick it out here. I also agree with you that it can be tough to eat out alone--usually I'm directed to the bar, and when that happens, I just find another restaurant that will give me a table. I'm just ornery that way at times.
@Frank: Whenever they ask the question; "Just one?", I sometimes respond, "Yup! That's how it works when you're widowed!"
Hello, New member here. Widowed since Fall of 2004. If it is any consolation, I still refuse to go out and eat by myself. I simply won't subject myself to that reinforcement of being "Alone" or have people think I'm "Available" or got "Stood Up". I order food to go and find a nice outdoor place to eat it, or simply take it home. That is the recipe that works for me. You are welcome to send a Friend request if you wish to. I'm brand new to the site so if I commit a faux pas, bear with me. :)
PS The sailing term for no forward progress is "Stuck In Irons". My late husband was an avid sailer. I learned as I went.