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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I guess I have a reputation here of putting a positive spin on things. I'll take that. As long as you understand that doesn't mean that this has been easy for me or that I don't have any 'down' moments. That said, I'd like to offer this space for only POSITIVE thoughts ... quotes, poems, photos ... things that may help you to feel a little spark of HOPE when you most need it. 

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Judy,

i think you were maybe writing this to Mac or Dianne but it hit a raw spot with me and I am going to reply. I had a friend, my best friend for fifty years, who abandoned me during Jud's illness, and still had. We made a mistake. Long story short, her son asked Jud to marry he and his wife (they are in their thirties) and wanted it to be a surprise. Mary and Bob were there but did not know until that morning. They were so humiliated, they left town for several weeks. It was awful. Then they drilled us on questions like, "Do you love your children?" Do people that love their children want to be part of the marriage?" Bob is a lawyer. Not funny. Mary yelled at me for not watching her back. Well, the wedding was two years ago and she still is cold, cool, sometimes a little friendly and lives two doors down the block. It has been my second grief. Lately she has been a tiny more friendly (we also hang out with the same people) and I have grown tired of being angry. I read that to stay angry, you have to remember it every day. It is not good for my mind or my health and I am tired of this. I have apologized three times (for Jud and I) and I am not going to apologize again but am just going to let it go for myself and keep trying to reach out in small ways. This time, it is for me, because I am tired of this having such power in my life. 

I think I would try a letter. You and I lost our husbands around the same time (I know we came around the same time) and it is so hard to hold onto the feelings of hurt and loss. It sounds somewhat similar, in that she has been a long time friend. I would ask her (if it were me) what her feelings are and tell her some of mine. I would go easy at first, letting her know that you are missing her in your life (if you are). 

So many people disappoint us when we lose our spouses. There are many reasons why and I know you know them all. I would support you in giving it a try. Long-time friends are to important to give up easily. I have made many new friends but there is something about those people that "know our history" that help complete our life. 

Wishing you the very best. I see that your anniversary is coming up. I will be remembering you on that date.

Big hugs,

Suz

This can go so many ways, Judy. I think it's most important that you be prepared to be hurt again. It may not happen, but it is a possibility - especially since she has remained close to Justin's family who has treated you so poorly. If you feel regaining her friendship is worth that possible hurt, then most definitely send the letter and see how it goes. 

It saddens me that we widows seem to always be the ones who have to do the reaching out in these kind of situations.

I've lost a very dear friend I've known since the summer Vern & I dated. She was there for me during the cancer years, for the funeral and for a short time after. But then she thought I was "all better" and the contacts grew less and less. And there was one big disappointment that caused the 'break-up'.  I've often thought of reaching out, to try to re-establish our friendship. But I have not; she has not. It's another loss and it saddens me, but as I spent time thinking about it I don't think it would be good for the me I am right now. 

I would write but do not expect a "nice" letter in return. To let your feeling out write the letter but do not mail it. Burn it or bury it, i  wrote to a friend that I thought would always be there for me telling her I was disappointed in her and I got a snake bite in return....what is that old song "nobody knows you when you are down and out"......

Thank you Dianne and Suz for answering me.  It was a general question to all.  Really not sure - and yes she was a long time friend, was actually our matron of honor - and if it wasn't for her - I never would of met Justin.  I know I am taking a chance for being hurt, but sometimes you have to do that.  

I'll decide soon and you know if she doesn't want me in my life, I don't think I could be hurt.  The deepest hurt I feel is of losing the love of my life - nothing will ever come close to that.

Dianne, where do you come up with these beautiful photos and sayings.   So true.... xox

Thanks for your feedback on this.

Suz, yes, my angelversary is coming up way too soon.  This is really hard this year....Trying to do something different.....Will be something special early in the morning...... Just hope its a beautiful morning....

I think I have decided not to mail my friend.  My other friend said that I should state more things like I was besides in my grief and I should apologize to her!!!  OMG!  She is a good friend, the one that told me that - but obviously does not get it.

Judy, sounds like you should write them both OFF!

I agree!

I created this as a reminder to our friends that we are still here! Feel free to pass it on to them :-)

Oh, this is good Lois.  Thank you.  Think I'll add it to the schedule over on the WV FB page.

beautiful..... makes me want to print them up like business cards and pass them out but alas all my friends have foresaken me.....

Thank you, Judy.  These are beautiful.

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