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Hello

Since Doug died & people said so many stupid things to me, I always wanted to have a page where people who were left behind, could share the unbelievable stupid things said to them.

1)  The day Doug suddenly died, my parents came over & said:   "You wouldn't believe the week your sister has had"  I replied, "Really, did her husband die today?"   My father responded:"  NO, but she had a bad week"  & as usual we talked about my sister as we have my whole life.

2) At 24 days in, his best friend called me to say :""  Come on, I know he meant a lot to you, but come on. get over it"

3) 3 People told me I was lucky that he died & it wasn't a divorce.

4) The lady who bought all his RoughRider (football) stuff said:  "I am sorry for your lose, but wow good for me"

5)  I lost 50 pounds in 4 months after Doug died.  I just stopped eating, as I had no interest in food.  woman at work said:  "Well one good thing about his death, you look great"

6)  My boss after first day back to work:  "I don't care what has happened in your personal life, we just want you to do your job"

7)  When you tell someone else what someone said, the idiot replies,  "Well I am sure the meant well"   ????????????????????

Thank you

Imogen

 

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The anger phase is unbelievable, at least for me it was.  I am fairly outspoken.  After Doug died I just took everything stupid thing they said, until I just had enough and gave it back.  I got tired of "You should get someone to mow your lawn"  I replied "I pick you".  A lot of ers & ums.  "Well you should I should get someone"  I'm tired of the "your a widow so you are rich".

My sensitivity is gone for whiny problems.  I just tell people to wait until a real issue comes in their life.  Easier for me to say now, as the years pass I got older & colder.

You have to remember they are only asking the North American rule book of fake conversation.  They don't really care.  When I finally realized that. & remembered "Humans aren't against you they are FOR themselves"  I learned to reply like a robot. -  Life is a miracle, each day is a gift.  Only respond how you feel to two or three close people who actually understand and care about YOU..

So true... The Fake Conversation part. ;-)   My family and close friends understands how I feel. I guess the rest get the robotic answers. 

Susan

Imogen,
You sure had your share of inappropriate remarks. You know, I can't recall anyone saying things like that to me or maybe I was just too numb to hear it. I look at it this way--many people will have to deal with this pain one day and then they will understand. You don't get over it, you get used to living with it--in time.

You are right. It is best to share with those close to you and pay less attention to acquaintances, co-workers or casual friends. Concentrate on you and waste no emotion on the odd remarks. At the same time, if you realize you are angry (and that is sometimes normal after a death) try not to be too critical of those you care about that try to engage in conversation with you. They are most likely trying to be supportive

I had posted some pictures of my husband on facebook saying I missed him. One person wrote to me that I shouldn't post those things because they made her sad.  (I have since blocked this person)

Kln,

  So sorry you got an insensitive idiot on Facebook. Don't pay attention to them.

Susan

That is the biggest thing I find.  It's not how WE feel, us the person's who life has just been torn apart.  It's how we make THEM feel.  It truly shows how selfish people are.   

I remember a place I worked, a woman's mother passed away.The first chance alone i got I stopped  her & said sorry, & let her tell me whatever she wanted.  I noticed most people were ignoring her.  This happened before Doug died, so I prepared myself for the ignore me phase of work.  And I was.

Kln82 - I found the page "my husband in heaven" On facebook. They post photos with beautiful poems and sayings that make me cry, but put my feelings into words in a way I cannot. I shared a picture recently and one of my Facebook friends (a teacher I had as a young adult) commented on my "continued pain." I know she meant well, and I dont try to post those poem pictures too often if they are sad, but my HUSBAND PASSED AWAY. Of course I have pain. sigh.

I understand exactly how you feel. At 14 months I have idiotic family members telling me to "move on".  Early on, my mother (who had dementia, granted) told me, "Well there are worse things than losing a husband." And we lost my Dad in 2014, and she was a complete and total mess for the rest of her life. The very worst one was at the service, my Morris is lying in a coffin, and this idiot from town says to me, "you're young, you're good looking, you'll find someone else." His wife had died 4 months previously, and he was eager to tell me that he was already in a new relationship.  If I'd been in my right mind, I would have throat punched him!  If I didn't have the ability to laugh, I'd lose my mind.

I know how much those comments hurt, and I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.  My conclusion is that people, by and large, are dumb as rocks. But I must add that a few people stepped up to help me and listen to me in amazing ways that I didn't expect. I try to focus on them, not the ding a lings.  

Wow.  I am just sitting here shaking my head. I never asked why Doug died.  But when it comes to these obnoxious, selfish people I think why, why, why. I get equally mad at the people who give them an excuse.  "Oh they meant well"  "They just don't know what to say"  (then shut up).  Men move on so fast, they just can't stand the thought of being alone & actually having to take care of themselves.  It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high.  People don't get no death, no marriage is the same.  I've even been told what a blessing it was the husband died as they were getting a divorce anyway no she got all the money.

To those of us that wanted to stay married, we don't just "get over it".

Imogen I feel for you people can be so insensitive and downright cruel, thoughtless or plain stupid. I'm just 6 weeks into trying to exist without my husband who died suddenly, I've been dreading this Easter holiday. I walked my dogs earlier and a fellow dog walker asked me if I'd had a nice Easter she is aware Steve died, I replied I'd found it very hard and she asked WHY!!!!!
I'm also fed up with people saying they know how I feel !!!!!!
And now, 6 weeks on people who seemed to care have just disappeared.
Sending you an understanding hug from the UK xxxx

Alone:  I wish I was there to give you a hug.  I remember at that time I just wished so bad (& asked people) to just come over & watch TV with me.  The aloneness is so hard.  I will be praying for you.

How can someone ask you how your Easter was?  To people not close, or even were close & came to the funeral they think the funeral just wrapped up everything nicely & now you're fine.  How in the world would your Easter weekend be good or any other weekend for many months to come???

A lady from our widow group asked me in February if I had a good valentines day?  I just replied "It was just another day"  I guess she must be dating someone, but she knows I am not, so obviously it was alone, boring, & sad.

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