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Hello

Since Doug died & people said so many stupid things to me, I always wanted to have a page where people who were left behind, could share the unbelievable stupid things said to them.

1)  The day Doug suddenly died, my parents came over & said:   "You wouldn't believe the week your sister has had"  I replied, "Really, did her husband die today?"   My father responded:"  NO, but she had a bad week"  & as usual we talked about my sister as we have my whole life.

2) At 24 days in, his best friend called me to say :""  Come on, I know he meant a lot to you, but come on. get over it"

3) 3 People told me I was lucky that he died & it wasn't a divorce.

4) The lady who bought all his RoughRider (football) stuff said:  "I am sorry for your lose, but wow good for me"

5)  I lost 50 pounds in 4 months after Doug died.  I just stopped eating, as I had no interest in food.  woman at work said:  "Well one good thing about his death, you look great"

6)  My boss after first day back to work:  "I don't care what has happened in your personal life, we just want you to do your job"

7)  When you tell someone else what someone said, the idiot replies,  "Well I am sure the meant well"   ????????????????????

Thank you

Imogen

 

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Thank you Imogen xxx I'm finding this aloneness hard too. It's a Saturday night here just my dogs and me sitting in here trying to watch things on line with no interest in anything. All the songs on the radio seem sad and remind me of times with Steve. Every time I walk in the kitchen I can see his empty chair in the dining room. Everything in there is just as he left it on the Sunday night when he went to bed. I will never understand people who have no ability to show any empathy or kindness they're mostly tactless and stupid.im tired of ....'oh I know what you're going through' and the latest one.... 'You should get an evening job maybe in a local supermarket have a laugh with the girls there' Hmmmmmmm...I don't think so. I work 9-5 six days a week from home,yes it's lonely but I'd rather be with my dogs and work alone than listen to more people saying such stupid things! And people are still asking if I had a nice Easter! I feel like saying No, actually I'm still reliving the day the police knocked my door to deliver what they call an agony message and yes it's certainly that.
A good Valentine's Day!!!!! How thoughtless there's no excuse for that.
I feel for you Imogen thank you for talking to me here. Sorry I've gone on a bit!!!
Hugs xxxx

I know what you mean.  People tell me they "can waste hours on the internet" I would try to find something interesting and couldn't.  I tape every show I find interesting, love my PVR.  I channel search, & no commercials. Yesterday of course it snowed all day, again, it's getting so depressing.  I got home after taking my dog to off leash and sat on the couch, curled up with my family (2 dogs, 2 cats) from 2pm to 9pm then went to bed.  

I am amazed ho win North America "If we just work more"  we'll feel better,  Our society is so cold.  As long as everyone is happy & no one bothers anyone else with their bad mood, depression, death in their family etc. life is good.  Always "think positive"  ??? Idiots.  When people say "You decide to be happy"  I rip them a new one.  A person going through a spouse dying doesn't chose to feel miserable.  Someone with depression wishes they could be happy.  Wants a reason to live.  I am so sick of people who have perfect lives not bothering to understand some us have trials in life.  

Alone:  I will be thinking of you lots, and praying for you.

 

Oh my gosh, Imogen, I am truly sorry you had to deal with all of that negativity. Im glad you made this page and shared with us, but good grief, people are so insensitive and mindless. I heard the same things.

I lost my 34 year old soulmate/husband (of only 1 year and two months) in December 2016 and one of his (single) sisters told me I "seemed to be taking it badly and should look into therapy." Are you kidding me? I was (and still am) devastated- nothing can ever prepare for anything like this. She kept comparing it to putting her cat down. I started seeing a therapist, but to make that remark so early on after he passed away was so insensitive. Seeing your husband have a stroke, calling 911 and being in the hospital when he is declared BD (I cant spell it out, too hard for me) is not the same as the loss of a pet (I lost my dog, it is not the same). The same sister also went on two dates the week we were preparing his service, which was during Christmas time. Nice.

Ron's other single sister brought the married coworker she was having an affair with for two years to Rons hospital room. It was unbelievable. That same sister kept talking about that coworker when we were running errands for the service and a week after the service we met up and she kept checking her Match.com emails on her phone.

When I returned to work a few weeks after he passed, co-workers told me not to get any tattoos because it might turn off "future romances." One manager told me to get a dog or go on a trip to India or Rome to "get over it." Seriously?

Another manager told me to stop going to my dental hygienist and dentist of 5 years so I wouldnt have to tell them Ron passed away, because "not everyone you know needs to know he died." Excuse me? That office grew to know me over the years and and were excited when I got engaged and asked to see wedding photos etc.

Im an only child and at one point after Ron passed, my parents offered for me to move in with them. ( I didnt.) My mother said, "dont worry, you can still meet someone and have kids. Look at (actress) Eva Mendes, she had her kids at 40." Im 38. I wanted a baby with RON MY HUSBAND, not some guy to rush and meet and have a kid with!?!?!?

And my Dad said, "if you get a tattoo, are you going to get it to say #1 and the next man you meet will say #2?" Days after he passed, my Dad also seemed to be in this massive rush for me to get all of Rons clothes out of his closet to take to Goodwill! (Which I did not do). I dont try to understand people; what I dont understand is how people can say anything they freaking want to us and we are the better ones just inside ourselves screaming.
And my grandmother told my mother she didnt understand why I was so heartbroken since Ron and I werent married that long!

Menufalls:  I didn't even list them all just the top 5 or whatever.  At the beginning I was basically speechless, but I also felt I couldn't' say anything back as I needed friends. I felt like I just had to put up being treated badly or the other choice was totally alone.  I look back now & wished I told them all off, as they all vanished & quit being my friend any way even when I put up with the crap.  After almost a year I started getting the nerve to say something back realizing if they were this rude & insensitive to me when my world just fell apart.  I didn't want them in it any way.

Doug's sister was obviously fine way before I was even near crappy.  I think they think that because it's their brother they are as close to that person as you are.  I had to explain to her.  She didn't see him every day, talk about her day. She didn't get it, but I tried.  

Did your idiot manager read that book "eat, pray love"?  It's only 4 months!!!! At that point I was just still in shock. So many people who have never gone through this think they have answers.  We need a website that every person who has never lost someone HAS to read.  Maybe then they'll wake up.  The hardest thing for you right now is to be strong, I hope you know someone who has gone thru this to talk to.  I know I wish did.

I thought of this thread today when I was reminded of a woman who said to me, "That poor boy will have to live w/it the rest of his life. I'll pray for him to heal" 

This was in response to telling her ìt was 3 months since Bob had been killed by a 19yr old road rage driver who was deliberate in his actions as well at his sentencing gave us a backhanded apology blaming my husband ...

I wanted to kill her, but started vomiting instead ...

Don't people think before they speak anymore? What an insensitive remark. You should have barfed on her.

WOW!!!People just never cease to amaze. Our society is so cold & stupid.  When one of their loves ones dies I always think, I hope you encounter nicer people than I did.

Sometimes it's the people from whom you would expect help that say the worst things. Shortly after my husband of 30 years passed I was talking to my sister. Like many couples we had our problems but had come to a place of comfort and total acceptance of each other's ways. My sister's words of " comfort" " he was a bad husband" that was so far from true and it lacerated me! I couldn't even respond! Another person said well so and so is single and enjoying her life. This woman is divorced not widowed. Single by choice. I was angry and said " whatever floats your boat! I didn't choose this life and frankly I hate it!"
I'm learning not to hate my life as much now and find that with others now I don't talk about it. Only those of us who've experienced such cataclysmic loss can truly understand.
Well said that's exactly what it is Dianthus a cataclysmic loss.
Neighbour near by last week said to me as walked past. Oh we were sorry to hear about Steve but he was a workaholic wasn't he!
NO he wasn't we had no choice but to work long hours. It gives me palpations to recall her words.
Wow! Palpitations yes! Me too! I think it's the total wrongness of such words that give us the " fight or flee response" palpitations. Thank you for the compliment.
You're so right Dianthus I'd never thought of that before. Sending a warm hug from my little corner of the UK xxx

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