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Hello

Since Doug died & people said so many stupid things to me, I always wanted to have a page where people who were left behind, could share the unbelievable stupid things said to them.

1)  The day Doug suddenly died, my parents came over & said:   "You wouldn't believe the week your sister has had"  I replied, "Really, did her husband die today?"   My father responded:"  NO, but she had a bad week"  & as usual we talked about my sister as we have my whole life.

2) At 24 days in, his best friend called me to say :""  Come on, I know he meant a lot to you, but come on. get over it"

3) 3 People told me I was lucky that he died & it wasn't a divorce.

4) The lady who bought all his RoughRider (football) stuff said:  "I am sorry for your lose, but wow good for me"

5)  I lost 50 pounds in 4 months after Doug died.  I just stopped eating, as I had no interest in food.  woman at work said:  "Well one good thing about his death, you look great"

6)  My boss after first day back to work:  "I don't care what has happened in your personal life, we just want you to do your job"

7)  When you tell someone else what someone said, the idiot replies,  "Well I am sure the meant well"   ????????????????????

Thank you

Imogen

 

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You are not the first one to  post  about stupid things  people say...perhaps you'll  get some comfort  reading through these  forums at WV .  Here 's the link in case you are interested  .    http://widowedvillage.org/forum/topic/search?q=stupid+things++peopl...

My mom was full of bad jokes and comparisons, like talking about the song Goldie's Last Day (about a dog dying) because my husband was jaundiced, and telling me, before he died, that maybe the 3rd time would be the charm, since my late husband was my second husband (1st I divorced after he abused our son).

Those are the ones that stick out the most.

So I took this with a grain of salt because it came from a sweet 70 year old woman that I work with, who probably just wasn't thinking... but she asked how my son was doing. I said good. He's almost 2 now! She said "Wow! I remember when you were pregnant." I said that I missed being pregnant (don't really miss the physical part of it but everything was just going so damned well in our lives at that point, I miss it.) She said "don't say that cuz you could be!" This was right after I returned to work, a month after losing my husband to cancer. At the time of his death, it had been about 2 months since we had sex, because he started feeling so bad all the time. Found out right before he died that his tumors had spread to his groin area. So nope. Actually no possible way I could have been pregnant, but really hurt because we always said that when he got better we'd try for a second child. 

Take a look at this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYVnt3KDxDE&t=60s

Here's a sample of just a couple of the things that I heard.

Early On: "Some of the neighbors think that you aren't grieving enough." (You should see me behind closed doors or with those that I trust).

Going to the Optometrist. This was at about 7 months:

The other day I was at the optometrist office. I had requested a copy of Cindy's charges from last year. It was supposed to be waiting for me. 

They didn't have it ready, so I gave them her name and DOB. The receptionist looked at me and said: I show that she is dead. She said it in the tone of: I see that you have changed your phone number.

The employee sitting next to her turned and looked at her in a state of disbelief. That employee then looked up at me and started crying. 

I replied: Yes indeed, she is dead.

There had been some other sadness earlier that day - so that kind of just added to that. By about 9:00 PM I actually started to find it somewhat humorous that she was so clueless.

If I would have been on my toes, I would have responded to her:

"As coroner I must report, I thoroughly examined her. And she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead."

Thanks Mac, just watched the video. Almost all of those comments have been said to me ...am only 3 1/2 montys out. Latest was this weeken, his barber, 'I heard, I am sorry, he is in a better place'. And I am stuck here without him, and my children are stuck here without him...that is a better place. I know what the barber meant, but if you really think about 'he is in a better place' it is not a nice thing to say- might as well just say 'sucks for you'.

Not to make light of your frustration - the answer is stupid remarks never stop, but they do become less of a trigger when the ability to cope gets better. Bob's 10th anniversary is nearing, so that my reactions to stupidity are no longer intense or a knee jerker. Trump's campaign & presidency have really sparked me into action since I'm not a supporter. I study all his proposals as well as post on political comment boards. I have to say, many people who wanted Trumpcare have absolutely no idea what they are/were talking about. I read alot of posts by people who believe 95% of deaths are preventable w/exercise & a well balanced diet. Many don't know the difference from an illness & a disease. Prolonging a life is not cost efficient. Most people who are against paying into a pool that includes the sick & dying posted their repugnance in all caps. F**k 'em & their blah, blah, blah! :-) LOL!

Rather than arguing or divulging my loss, I smile at their ignorance then close the page. There are a considerable amount of people who flame them w/out my joining in. Bobbleheads can be vicious when talking out their ass b/c they have no personal experience w/the loss of a cathected/loved one. 

Recently, I laughingly said to a bank teller while getting a large cashier's check that everything breaks when your spouse dies. The woman at the next window tried to correct me by saying your husband's death didn't cause anything to break, its just your negative attitude that makes you think that way. I just smiled at her & her husband as I walked away. I could've allowed her to know I still found humor in my many years of fumbling & bumbling while learning to care for everything when Bob died. But again, allowing people to live in a blissful bubble is okay by me ...

Sorry, if anything I have written has caused any distress ...

Darn, if it wasn't for that negative attitude of yours, everything would be JUST FINE!!!!!

Imogen,

    Number 2 makes me so angry !  You need to say, " And how do you propose I do that ? "

Susan

I thought at the time, as it was Doug's best friend who said this to me.  If it was his wife who passed away, she would have been treated much better then I was by him.

I even had one lady, at the funeral say to me.  " My husband told me if he ever passes away that Doug will take care of me.  Now what will I do?"

I just replied:  " I don't know"  How do you respond to stupid?

Oh My... I have no idea 

Susan

Hi Imogen,

    How about the people who ask me everyday at work, " How Are You ? " ... How do I answer that and still be nice? I WANT to say "What do you think".   It's hard.

Susan

This topic really made me bust out laughing! Not in making light of your grief, but remembering how often I wanted to punch or choke people down or the many ways I visualized causing them pain or wanting to shout be-outch then later say, "I don't wish this on anybody" - uh, just not today! I'd never experienced such anger in my entire life. For me, it was just ugly especially w/out an easy button to smash down on. All those years of crazy making wore down my sensitivity so that I no longer become easily upset. It still sucked going through it! Hang in there!

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