Thank you Angela. It is torture and it is the only way to describe it.
I feel so bad for you only getting to share two years together. Dealing with all that has been stolen from you must be awful. From the women I talk to having kids does seem to help them. I know the bible never says we will be happy in this life. But it seems some people get to be, & just unfair.
My husband, Ron, only 34, suffered a stroke on Dec 8, 2016 and didnt recover. He passed away Dec 14. We were only married 1 year and 2 months. I met him in 2011 and we were engaged in 2014. I am 4 years older than him and I was so angry when he passed away - I was so selfish, thinking how I was 37 when we married and it took me that long to find such an amazing person to marry. He was my wisdom, my heart, my logic. Each morning and evening is a filled with such sadness and loneliness. I too am seeing a therapist one on one and I also attend a Widows Support Group. Im starting a new job in a week and fear I wont be able to attend the twice a month widows group, as they are during the workday, but I am hoping I can at least attend one and couple that with a Sunday or Saturday visit with the local Soaring Spirits group here in town. I am an only child, with married parents in their 60s & 70s. I didnt expect to be alone again after already being alone. I enjoyed being his friend, then girlfriend, then fiancee, and then wife. Being together, making dinner, sharing our days and nights, road trips, I miss every moment. Ron was a mans man and played golf, fished, rode quads, bowled, shot, he was a remarkable person. How do you just "go back" to being alone like nothing happened? I am grateful for the memories and soooo thankful for the photos and videos we took, but nothing can prepare you for this, regardless of it being a "part of life" like people say or the grief book I read said. I was teetering on the edge of nagging wife and being his Mom with nudging him to go to the doctor about his weight and checking to see if his blood pressure was ok (he worked for his family's business and was always always working and always had stress on him) and if he had diabetes. He didnt want to hear it. I think he probably knew he needed to go to a doctor eventually.
I talk to him constantly. Not just in the car where people cant see me, but in the grocery store, walking from my car to a place, Im always talking to him. I miss him. I also feel Ron had more reasons to be here than I. Nephews and siblings and cousins and younger parents. I have my parents and one 92 year old grandmother. Not like him. His 9 and 5 year old nephews deserved an Uncle to be there for him for life, to see them grow. Ron always did for others without being asked, worked early, stayed late, helped whenever needed, just an "above and beyond" kind of person 150%. You dont find that in life often or ever. And for it to be taken away, how does one recover? As glad as I am he isn't here on earth in pain - I still miss him. So much. In my opinion, this grief wont ever go away, you dont lose this feeling, you learn that its a part of your life now. Its ok to cry and be angry - its all part of this process and your new life.
I'm so sorry for your loss, but thank-you for sharing. I am stuck in the questioning phase right now. Why? to a million different endings. Though I know I will in time to learn to live with this grief, I don't want to. I don't want to be feeling like this. I want him back or I want to go back in time and stay there, when he was alive and we were all happy. I know this also natural feelings but everyday is such a struggle. Some more than others.
HI I'm Janet. I totally get the envy you feel, Every time I see a couple about the same age as my husband Mike and I , I get so jealous. I guess its normal, Everything is the new "normal". I'm not too thrilled with that. I keep telling myself that I want it to be a year from now so I'll be in a better place. When Mike died everything went into the toilet, Financially things are a mess, I can't get his sdi until after December, I might lose our house. I know in a year things will be better. Right now lifes a mess so I'm hoping for a brighter future, thats all I can do. Best of luck to you on your journey.