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Why are some days so much worse than others? I just want to fast forward life. It seems so empty now. I see happy people and feel envy. I see couples and feel envy. I get upset thinking the cruel and selfish get to continue while the big hearted and kind are swept away from us. People say the pain will soften and never go away but How? Every breath from when I wake up until I go to sleep hurts.

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Angela,

   You are so new in your grief. You are at a place and time where you are being overwhelmed by a rush of emotions, most of which will fuel your anger, your envy, or your tears. You are starting to come out of shock, and that is making the pain more real. This is not at all unusual for what you've experienced, but it doesn't make it any easier. The best analogy I've heard is that of ocean waves. Some days in the water you swim, some days you float, some days you tread water, some days you almost drown. The waves won't always be so steep over you and so steadily crashing. There are days that you can expect the big waves to come. Those days might be his birthday, or a milestone in your family he is not there for, or a holiday or anniversary. Some days you are unprepared for the waves, because they come unexpectedly. I am 5 months into this process, and yesterday seeing sweet corn in the grocery store made me cry. This has been a tender week altogether for me, as it would have been my husband's birthday Monday. Yet I have had surprisingly good  days come and go too.
   I encourage you to keep asking your questions, keep talking, keep finding ways to release your emotion. Let yourself cry. Journal. Smash that old ceramic mug you don't care for that much in your backyard, where no one will know or care. Find a support group. Find a therapist. Some people need help in the form of medication, whether it is anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, or a sleep aid. Talk to your doctor if you think you need something like this. There's no shame in this. These won't take away your emotions, but they'll give you life boat to float on in those waves.
   I hope you find a place to connect here.

-Debbie

Debbie,

Thank-you. I just feel like I am drowning more than anything. I have a therapist, sleep aid and anti-anxiety meds. Looking to get something different so I can function better on a more extended time period and not short bursts.
It just seems at times that all is so hopeless. I find the most comfort in this online support group and with a few friends who have also experienced such loss. I see how people are still so deeply grieving after many years, even decades and I feel crushed that I'm never going to feel the happiness I did when I was with Troy.
Thank-you for listening.
Take care

Angela, I know how you feel.  I'm lost today.  It is so hard to find things to do in the winter.  I am so lonely and so tired of feeling lost.  The anxiety pills help, but it is a short term peace of mind.  How do we find the energy to continue and accept that our lives will never be quite the same?  I seem to have more bad days than good, no one to talk to that can get how I am feeling. I keep hoping that life is going to bring me some kind of happiness again.  Is it  selfish to want to be happy again?  I hope we both can find some peace.

Sandi

Finding the energy is the big one. I can only do so much before I am exhausted. I also feel I have more bad than good days. If I have a day that I feel I can manage things Ok, it's most definitely followed byba few really bad ones. It's not selfish to want to be happy. My problem is I want the happiness I had.
Angela, I am so sorry for your recent loss. Time does help us heal but the hard part is dealing with the pain and sadness-- the grieving, which me must do first. Let the emotion flow, draining as it is that is what helps us heal. Be patient and good to yourself. Wishing you peace.

Hi Angela,

Welcome to our "Club." It's something none of us ever thought we would become members of.  This is one of the best places you could be.  Here you will read postings from folks just like yourself, awash in an agony we never could have imagined.  Here you can wonder aloud, rage, vent, cry, learn, and even help us.

We all speak the same language.  My wife Susan, died in her sleep. She went to sleep Sunday night, and did not wake up Monday morning.  She was in a facility where she was learning to walk with a broken ankle and her body was rejecting her second kidney transplant.  We both expected her to be home that week. The phone rang at 730 in the morning that Monday. It woke me up.."Hi Honey, wow you did surprise me with an early morning wake up!".....  "Is this Frank...and my world exploded.

It's been a little over 4 years now, and I can promise you the pain will soften. But, you really cannot circumvent it, nor evade it, you will have to wade through it a minute, an hour, a day at a time.  Each of us moves through the pain at a different speed.  It is unique to us and our love.  Each time you tell your story, each time with more detail, you will improve just a little more.  If you have a grief group in your area, I would urge you to join, listen, talk, participate.  It will really help you.

You have our support.  Simply log in. You don't have to chat right off the bat, take some time and read the posts and subjects that interest you, sip some tea or coffee and read what is unfolding in Chat. When you are ready, step in and say hello.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Hi Frank,

Thank-you.  I had that similar phone call.  I was waiting to here from Troy to tell me the puppies had been born but instead it was his mother calling me to tell me he passed away unexpectedly from a seizure in which his airway was cut off.  Her message constantly replays in my head and makes me feel so sick.  I try to keep my routine ( I am a teacher) as much as I can but depression has already taken hold.  My mind tells me everything I feel is logical and normal but my heart is so empty and broken and sometimes just does not want to accept nor move on.  In fact, the last two days the memories have been so vivid I feel as if i am slipping back into a time when he was alive and it's maddening.  I thought I knew who I was at this point in my life but now I am struggling to find a purpose.  

Thank-you for listening.

My longing for Bob intensified whenever I saw couples w/young kids or those in their 40s, 50s, 60s, etc ...

Families going camping or retirees in RVs or the newly widowed who w/their loved longer than Bob & myself - it all pretty much sucked. It calms down as the rawness wears off ...

I wish my heart would catch up to my mind.  It struggles to believe any of this is real while my brain knows it to be true. It's maddening.

Hi Angela,

I'd like to think that we are not the only two struggling to find a purpose in life. Susan was a diabetic.  When we first started dating, said "You know I'm a diabetic, and I said Yes.  She then asked me if it would bother me to give her a shot once in a while.  I said Oh Heck No, it won't bother me a bit to give YOU a shot."  (I'd been an EMT for 10 years by then.)  When the dating got serious, she again asked, you know I'm a diabetic, Yes, You know there can be complications to diabetes and again I said Yes. ... Little did I know that over the 35 years we were married, she'd try out nearly every one of the complications.  Numerous crashes (low blood sugars), a Double Bypass, Legally blind (surgery fixed), her kidneys quit, which led to Hemo Dialysis, and Peritoneal Dialysis and two transplants, 5 spine surgeries, and a fall that caused a subdural Hematoma, She actually died from that, and they were able to bring her back, with some balance problems.  We were best friends and I had put off asking her to marry me because I did not want to hear a "no."  Had the navy not sent me orders transferring me from Jacksonville to Norfolk, I'd have probably left things as they were.  I realized she was more than a best friend and a person I wanted to marry and be with for life.  I asked, and for some reason she said, Yes. 

Now that she is gone, and so suddenly, I've managed to climb out of the pit of agony and despair.  I liken it to suddenly having the ground disappear from under my feet as if a enormous sink hole had just appeared under me.  Eventually I knew I could not continue on in the state I was in, and I made  a conscious effort to heal.  Eventually I climbed out of that pit, threw my leg over the edge and crawled over the edge gasping and panting.  Shortly after (months) I turned over and sat up, looking around gathering my wits.  It was then I realized I had no goals, no aim, no purpose in life.  My whole purpose in life for the last 35 years was Susan, our lives, and our kids. She was my best friend, and the cement that held all of us together.  I have set some minor goals and have started off.  For instance, the end of this month is an Aquatic Gardener's Association convention, and it's nearby in Denver.  I am an Aquatic Gardener.  My aquariums are lush green jungles with just a few flashes of color (fish) vs tanks full of fish and occasional plant or two.  I made reservations and registered.  I'm doing something that gets me out of the comfortable rut, for me.  Still no, what I call purpose, but I am "moving."  I'm not even sure we are using the word "Purpose" in the correct sense.

You are not alone.  Just, please, don't beat yourself up thinking that you should be someplace you are not.  We all move and "heal" (if you will) at different speeds.  Nothing is right or wrong, its just us.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Hi Angela

I so agree.It will be 4 years for me end of May.  I go along with my life, accepting this is it, I will probably be alone for the rest of my life.  But then some days, like today, I am just done.  I'm tired of this boring lonely life.  The weather sucks so I can't even take my dogs for a walk.  I spent hours this morning watching TV.  So grateful for PVRs.  I am trying to get the energy/care to go to church tonight, but I doubt it will happen.  When it comes to the pain it just gets less loud.

It is hard to see couples together.  Sometimes I want to go up to them and say "Do you realize what you have?" 

It all feels quite pointless, do the dishes, clean the kitchen... for what?  Who cares.  No one comes over. I have to go to everyone else's house to visit.  Like the drive is shorter for me than it is for them????????

Sorry, I am just feeling really low today.  I get so bitter Doug got to die & I am stuck here.

There is no need to be sorry. Grief is torture. A living hell that will only end with the last breath. Never feel sorry for feelimg sad for your love lost. I feel low most of the time. Troy and i had so many plans for our future and now im left with a past. We had known each other since The 5th grade and only had 2 years of being a couple. Soulmates that finally got it right only to have it ripped away.
The only reasons I keep on going is for my children. The hardest thing is wondering what's our purpose? Why do we have to go on? I guess only God/Universe knows and we will have to plod along the best we can. Hang in there. Sometimes my only comfort is knowing I'm not alone in losing the love of my life.

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