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 Hi, My name is Lisa and I lost the love of my life 3 weeks ago.  I've heard some really inappropriate comments and have been able to shake them off for the most part. Somehow it is the nice things people are saying that are killing me.

 This is probably going to sound absolutely crazy.  Nearly everyone has told me how much my husband loved me and how happy I made him. I know how much he loved me.  We we were together 15 years (way too short of a time) and he was so good to me and I to him. We would have been married forever and everyone knew it. 

 When everyone tells me this, I know it is coming from a great place and they are just letting me know how much he loved me, but it kills me.  It just makes it that more obvious what I have lost.  Even if I was ever interested again, I could never find that kind of love again.  We were both married before and we knew how lucky we were.  He was by best friend. We finished each other's sentences. Does this make sense to anyone?

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Lisa, my condolences to you on your very recent loss. I really get everything you said. It's often difficult to find words to console someone, and I am sure you know it's meant with the best of intentions. Your feelings are not crazy, you are mourning and in deep pain. There is really nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better, time is the only thing that really helps. I found a local support group that was quite helpful to me, it gave me a better understanding of the grief process. Try to keep in the back of your mind that there is life after grief and one day, you will smile again. For right now, be good to yourself.

Thanks for understanding.  I know everyone means well and you are right nothing anyone says is going to help. I just miss him so much and I can't imagine ever feeling whole again. Thanks for listening.

I understand . . . the nice things people say flood back the strong memories. I feel like I'm Always on the verge of emotion overload. I can pass off the ignorant remarks but the heartfelt comments put me over the edge. Then the other person feels bad because it makes me cry. That makes the other person uncomfortable and then they stop making the comments. I'd rather hear the comments and cry.   My husband of 23 years passed away suddenly in October.  The comments are few and far between these days. But I miss my husband as much as ever. 

People try to say something to make you feel better - nothing can make you feel better. But they can't seem to help it, it is just human nature. I wish they would just say "I'm sorry" and be done with it.

If you can, try to think of it as an expression of love for you and your husband. Like I told my husband when he would get irritated with people asking "How are you?" when they knew he had cancer, they may be saying How are you but what they mean is I care.

And don't be afraid to cry.

I could have written these exact words, so I understand completely. II had my dearest for a year longer but everything else is the same. We had moved back to his hometown 9 years before he died and had a small business for a few years so there were people who had grown up with him and new friends. I was surprised at the number of people that came to his memorial. It has been 15 months and I still cry most days. Like you I know I'll never find a love like that again.

Lisa, you made perfect sense to me.  I lost the love of my life a year ago, and if one more person tries to comfort me with "You had a wonderful love story" or "You had so many wonderful years" or some such, I'll smack them.  I know I had a wonderful life, and that's what hurts so much now.  We started dating when we were 15, never were interested in anyone else, and were married for 40 years.  We had fun every day, and were able to talk about anything. We leaned on each other during hard times like when we both lost parents.  Our 4 years of retirement was filled with traveling, loving on the grandkids, and just enjoying life.  He was my best friend in every way, and I was his.  We knew we were among the lucky few couples who have near perfect marriages, and often told each other that.  I feel like you do, that it would never be possible to find a relationship that even came close to what I had with Dan, so I know I'll never be interested in any one else.  It just stinks, knowing on one hand that I was the luckiest woman alive, but on the other hand knowing that my life is basically over now.  Even my kids are telling me I should try to get out more and enjoy life, but how do you go on when you've lost the man who was part of every memory since you were a teenager?  Like you, I know people's comments to me about Dan are meant as compliments and comfort, but nothing will ever help.  Maybe farther out, we will see it differently.  Good luck to both of us, Lisa.

Lisa,
Unfortunately people are not able to process the death of a loved one. When they don't know what to say occasionally crazy , stupid and funny come out at once in a jumbled mess. It's hard to hold back tears while simultaneously wanting to scream " No it won't be Ok?!"
I tend to close my eyes , pray for strength and say God Bless a lot. Then turn to my kids and remember how much I love them.
3 weeks is fresh, 30 years can be too. In grief its all about guts and perspective. You've gotta have guts to be a widow. To find your courage, strength and desire to go on.

When I first got on here, it had only been 3 weeks when I lost the love of my life. Those nights were absolutely horrible. I cried constantly and screamed at an empty house. I drank a lot, just to sleep, went a bit crazy for awhile!

  I was having another bad night tonight, because all though I have went on with my life...had no choice, lol. I came back to this site and was reading through messages. I read what you wrote... 3 weeks is fresh, 30 years can be too! It's been well over 2 years now for me and some days it is just like it happened yesterday! I STILL cry everyday! But now, it is almost worse, because everyone else has forgotten. They don't understand why I am not over it! I think that in 30 years, lol, if I am still alive I will still cry for him every single day, and miss him!

Sadly Lisa it's normal for people to fall away.    We had a mass recently for my MIL who died three years ago and three people showed up.   May 6 will be four years for me, and the past few years we went out to eat on the 6th.   It will be interesting to see how many people show up.    We're having a mass on the 7th for Lupe and same thing, I expect fewer people to show.    Still, I'm the one left with the memories and grief....

Hello Lisa,
You make sense to me ((((hugs)))) I had a text from a friend today telling me how much my Steve loved me it was like a knife through my heart. We were together 32 years which I am grateful for but I knew how he loved me we were always together. I can't take any comments from anyone good or bad at the moment I'm so fragile and trying hard to keep breathing and getting through one hour at a time. Six weeks today since he died suddenly and this grief is torture.
Sending love to you xxxx

Bob & I were together 28 years ...

It was not long enough ...

Nor does it seem like it was that long in terms of years ...

Sometimes, I have to look at our wedding pictures to remind me of our youth as well as other pictures of all the years in between ...

I am so very sorry for your loss! I know that means absolutely nothing! I lost my husband Feb. 15, 2015. I am absolutely NOT over it. I still cry everyday! I have gone on with my life...only because I had too! I have parents, children and grandchildren... If I hadn't I would have gladly gone with him. Does it get better? Yes and No! It is better that as you go on you stop crying all day everyday. Again I still think of him everyday and usually cry over a song or a memory or just cuz I miss him sooo damn much! I am able to go on with my days. I enjoy the good things. I can laugh and cry now...I think you can probably understand that, lol.  But no it is not better in some ways...because as time goes by, it seems like everyone has forgot him! He was the love of my life...Absolutely! I bring him up to them all of the time, and it almost seems like they are rolling their eyes now and behind my back saying...REALLY? She is not over him yet? I will never, ever be over him! NEVER!!!!

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