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The obsession of starting a new relationship

My post is not to challenge/criticize anyone but to try and understand the need for many surviving spouses to focus so very quickly (within 2-3 years) on finding someone. I don't subscribe to "Life must go on" scenario since that sounds like more of an excuse to validate ones behavior.


Personally, I don't see myself in another relationship...ever. But that is because I am a bit of an introvert and that Janet said she would haunt me if I brought another women into the house. Now I know she was kidding but I understand by her comment that she wanted me to honor her respectfully. 

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In my mind no one could compare to Janet. Also, at 65 I'm so set in my ways (stubborn German) that it would be unfair to subject anyone to me. 

NoLongerinBergenJC so much of what you have written echoes my own feelings, especially the line where you said you don't want to risk your financial security on someone looking for "a purse and a nurse". I had to chuckle at that.... I too am blessed that at this point I am financially independent. Also, I took care of my husband through two major medical crisis....one when he suffered a stroke in 1998 and when he had to go on dialysis in 2013. We had known each other in the 6th grade and at 20 and 22 were reacquainted and united forever. I have no regrets It was a honor to have been there for him when he needed me the most. When he was admitted to the hospital this last time  I was committed to doing whatever was needed. That's how much I loved my husband. That said, I am 71 years old and I know the ups and downs of being a caretaker. I do not want to even contemplate putting myself in that situation or vice versa. I too had a lot of eccentricities. Thank God for giving me a mate who lovingly put up with me and never once complained. When others would comment he would just shoo them off , put his arm around me and declare that's why he loved me all the more. I really don't see anyone out there having that kind of patience or tolerance. So as I have said before....I'm good! Thank you so much for your comments. It helps to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

If another relationship is in my future I’d prefer to have one where we reside in our own homes but see each other frequently. I would keep it an exclusive relationship but still not give up our own lives as they exist now. Does that sound strange? I just feel we might be to set in our ways to change entirely. That said I’m not really looking or expecting anything right now. Whatever happens, happens and I guess I’m OK with it.

Mark

Etchtech,

No, it doesn't sound strange. I actually know a married couple who live next door to each other! They each have their own nome,  bUT do most everything together! Hey, I say, whatever works for the two of you. I also think what you are saying is you like the freedom of having your own time for your own hobbies. I miss my husband every day , but he was retired and I was still working. He had all day to do his own thing, but when I got home he wanted to be together. I don't think he realized I needed some self time, too. Once  in a while. And, girlfriend time.

I went a year after my wife passed before I started thinking that being alone was not my thing.  So I decided to try dating and see what happened.  At first, I had a few okay dates here and there, but they were one or 2 dates per person and that was it.  I then decided it wasn't working so much for me so I stopped for a couple of months using the apps.  I had bought a 6-month subscription so I decided to try again in the last month and that is when I found the person I have now been dating for 5 months.  I am an introvert, and I have very few friends, but I am an introvert who hates to be truly alone.  I like to have a companion who is there with me, tells me things and whom I can hug and hold hands with.  I like the human touch and for me, I am not a real casual person when it comes to relationships, I tend to dive in.  I am in my late 40s, I could not imagine the prospect of living potentially 50 years alone.  I don't have kids, my family is small and I don't see them very often as they are all in other states, and almost all my friends are married and the ones that aren't, aren't in the area. 

Each person will find their way through this maze of life, and for some of us it will be one and done, for others we may go back to the well multiple times to see if we can't find love again.  No way is right or wrong, it is what makes each of us enjoy the life we have. That said, I don't think it dishonors my late wife for me to be with someone new, there is no way she would have expected me to live the rest of my life alone.  

Nice to hear  Tony.    Wondered  if  you  ever  sorted  out  your complicated feelings  that you  expressed  in your  earlier  posts.  Be  happy.   Love always  sets free and if allowed  love  always  expands  because  it is limitless.   Hugs!  lj

Something that kind of fits in our discussion which a friend sent me this morning.

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief...

Hope it helps.

Life does go on, and if you can share it with someone, all the better!

To have someone to hold,

someone to love,

someone to walk with,

someone to talk to,

someone to share your life with, well, you get the picture!  That's what makes the world go round and life worth living.

God gave us help meats, that we might have life in abundance.

There is just something about a lady that adorns a man's life, like nothing else can.  

Her touch! 

Her smile!

Her warm embrace!

Her gentle ways!

Her femininity adorns our masculinity and fulfills us as nothing else can.

God fills up our spirit, a woman fills up our arms and makes a house a home.  

A woman adorned with the Holy Spirit is more than a lover, she's your soul mate!

And if you lose one and be so blessed to find another as I was...... It can be all you want it to be. 

Just cherish her, and leave the baggage behind.  

Believe me!  Trains don't run on a torn-up track, no matter who tears them up.

So leave the baggage at the station when you say "I Do" again!

It's a whole new beginning, don't drag into it what you can't change. Leave it at the station.

It's a whole new beginning for you and her..  Set your heart free, give it wings to fly, for you will never pass this way again!

For, your sake, drink life to it's full.  Love is the breath of life that makes the heart sing!

I know, it's not easy to let go.  I've been prying my fingers lose for a long time.  And hanging on in the rain can cripple you for life.

You've got to turn lose at some point in your free fall, spread your wings and soar above the pain and live in the sunshine of love.

P.S.  I've got to stop now, there's a thunderstorm ahead........  "Pray for me, I'm in a bit of a fog.  I'm flying blind!  The last time I did this, I crashed and burned.  But I'm going to be OK as soon as I can get my wings fix!

Sleepless:

Regarding your comment:

"and leave the baggage behind"

Janet and our life together (even through her short illness) never was or will be considered "baggage"

Rich

The baggage is the pain we hold on to, not the memories.  Sorry for your lost.  I know the pain of that all too well.  That's what I am trying to turn lose of, the pain!  That's why I'm here, trying to heal, like the rest of you.  Thanks for the kind words from you all. 

P. S.  I didn't mean to be unkind., sorry!

Rhythmic Sounds of Pain!

The pain that flows through my emotional veins is excruciating at times!  A little music and kind words are soothing to the heart and soul.

When I study, I like a little music.  It sooth my emotions.

Changing your train of thought is also helpful, it tens to derail the pain by switching tracks of thought.  Not always easy to do,  I know, but I keep working on it.

Thank you for the clarification.

There are many like myself that do not want to let go of the "pain" since that is one of things that keep us connected to our wife/husband. But I'm also connected with memories and love, pain is just one of the connections. However in my mind, you lose one, you lose all.

Hi @Rich,

Sorry for your loss, I can understand your position and I thought that I personally wouldn't think of dating again or looking at another relationship, after losing my wife of 22 years, Lisa to Breast Cancer and Metatastic Brain Tumours. My wife and I thought we would grow old together and continue Cruising in out Golden years. But this wasn't to be.

Lisa was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in Sep 2016, the following April Lisa was first diagnosed with her Brian Tumour, while in hospital she wrote me a letter telling me that she wanted to me to meet someone when she passed, as she knew I would need someone to share my life with and be a mum figure for our three kids. At first I thought nah I couldn't think of being with anyone else, and my daughter who was 14 at the time said she only had one mum and that I had to be single for the rest of my life.

I was going through a very dark time last year in May of 2018, very much at the lowest of lows, was over 125kg, and not sleeping as I was Lisa's full-time carry since April 2017, and wasn't getting support from family and being told I wasn't doing enough (yet I was doing everything), I felt that I got to a point that I was going to walk out on life, but a friend reconnected via Facebook at a time that I needed someone, we talked a lot and even called, back ground info is I've know "T" since we were 12 years old and even dated through High School in our senior years.

"T" was my first love and High School sweet heart, Lisa had meet "T" as we had gone to her wedding in 97' as she had come to ours in 96'. and in 2018 Lisa asked more about "T" and what she was up to and how she was going, it was like she was happy that I had "T" back as a friend and I think that she wanted me to have a friend after she passed, and in hind sight we had a lot of conversations about me find someone that I could be with and that would see our kids as theirs and be there for me and them.

When Lisa passed on the 24th Jan 2019 (10 months yesterday) "T" and I talked everyday it helped me a lot as I was dreaming of Lisa passing in front of me every night for two weeks, I was at the hospital with my three kids when Lisa passed. "T" got me through that I even felt like I was cheating on Lisa, but realised that I was now a Widower (that took bit to swallow), My kids noticed I was feeling better and smiling, and told me to talk to "T" more (I was still having more bad days than good) I even lost weight, from Feb to June I lost 20kgs. I spoke to my kids about "T" and how we were talking more and more, and asked what they thought about it, Ash was very happy for me as she was now in a relationship herself and now knew what it was like to have someone to share every day things with, my oldest son told me what ever makes you happy dad, while my youngest just wanted a mum in his life, as he was coming up 9 when Lisa got breast cancer and she really couldn't be a mum while she fought for time, she tried but I took on the role as Mum, Dad, Chef, Uber driver, Drug Dispenser, PA, Nurse and in the final weeks Husband. 

I live on the west side of Australia and "T" on the East, that's over 4000km between us, I meet up with her this year in June, we were both very scared as we didn't want to loose our friendship we came to realise that we both never had feels that were more than "Friends".

I take every day as it comes and if "T" and I get together next year, then I am all for that, I wasn't looking for love again and didn't think I would, but I feel that Lisa gave me her blessing last year and pushed me towards "T" and knew that she would be there for me and my kids.

Do I believe that you can find love a second time? or in my case restart a relationship.

Cheers Jace

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Walk through your Bad Days, Embrace your Good Days....
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