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I think this is my worst phrase or "saying"   It's totally untrue for me. I sincerely hope that it's true for most of you, it seems to be as I have been reading in here for over a year or longer.  It's been 3 years since the love of my life has been gone.... I actually feel worse month by month. I still cannot even believe he's gone, gone forever. If I didn't believe in heaven and that I will see him again, I would be even more tattered and devastated than I already am, if that's even possible. Ugh!!!  People say go to a counselor or therapist. I don't have that kind of money. People say get out and socialize. My car doesn't run good at all. I could go on and on. Another words, I don't have much hope at all. I am working maximum hours, but still not enough for those sorts of things!  I guess I'm really sad, bitter, angry, and I hate feeeling this way because I used to be a nice and normal person. 

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Dearest LostandSad,

I'm with you. I truly despise the coloquialisms that we have been raised with in our society. As if "positive thinking" can take care of things. The western world is severely lacking in what other cultures or tribal people incorporate into their way of life. I have watched a few Ted Talks on YouTube about death and grief that helped me see some of the differences. I can understand why in some past practices the widow used to throw herself on the husband's funeral pire. How better to be with your love and save you from the agony of being left behind?

I too used to be nice and normal. It's a shock to the system to instantly not be that person anymore. We have no tools to cope. No lessons we were taught in whay to do now. In some ways it almost seems like some kind of schizophrenia. Not the actual diagnosis but being of two different minds, the old one that wad happy and the new one that feels hopeless. When it started I told my doctor that I wish someone would do brain scans on me. I feel like there is SO MUCH MORE to grief than we presently understand. I think that someday science will have studied the physiology of grief to understand the underlying causes of the change so many of us go through. 

I hope you can see the post of my reply to Cushty1 where I addressed you as well. 

Much love,

Your Sister in Sadness

I get these kinds of comments as well. Losing our husband/wife in this manner will never truly heal as if it never happened or was no big deal. It is a HUGE deal, and leaves a scar that will never go away. It's been 7 months for me, and I'm already getting the "get over it", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", "there's someone out there for you" yadda yadda yadda. Unfortunately, the comments will keep on coming, and for the most people who say these things really do care, they just have a sucky way of saying it. I try to brush those off, but sometimes it's not that easy. My life has truly and permanently changed. Thank goodness for places like this where we can share how we really feel by those of us who understand.

Hi Lost. I think we can heal (and do) however it doesn’t mean we go back to where we were.  Life is definitely different and there are many changes we have to adapt to. Lots of challenges!  

You still are grieving, at least it sounds that way by what you have written. It may take a bit longer to reach acceptance and since we are all different it’s hard to know when that will happen. I can only tell you that for me, that didn’t happen for close to five years. I realize some people get there much sooner but at three years, I was still crying almost every day.

Healing doesn’t mean we “get over it”.  I don’t know if that is possible.  I always say I have gotten used to it.  That doesn’t mean I like it.  I can’t change it and so I have learned to accept it.  That’s when we know our grieving is over. It is peace. I believe you will be able to then go back to being the nice and normal person that you are.

I think that saying is designed to give us hope and support.  I lost Susan, my wife of 35 years suddenly. She went to sleep on a Sunday night 6 years ago and did not wake up on Monday morning.  She died of a silent heart attack.

When she died I was completely destroyed.  I lost my best friend, my rock, and was adrift in a rubber raft in a raging storm.  I cried, and screamed.  I was gut struck and could not catch my breath.  I was lost in a fog of real, and also emotional pain.  I was a wreck. 

Over time, I came to accept that she had passed.  That I would never hear her voice, see her, or feel her touch.  Back then, I got up in the mornings, slugged through the day, sat in front of the TV with a tray table eating TV dinners, desperately hoping for any distraction, and went to bed only to cry myself to sleep and wake up an hour or two later.  Over the years, I have come to the acceptance of her death, and my plight.  On occasion, something on TV or in a movie, will slingshot me back and the tears will flow, but they aren't the uncontrollable ones of 6 years ago, and as I change my mind from the Loss of Susan, to the Joy of our marriage and time together the tears dry up and I carry on.  Along the way, I stopped thinking about Mother's Day, Her birthday, all the holidays but one.  I remember and honor the day of our marriage when we both agreed to live as one.  I spend time on the afternoon of that day looking through our wedding album.  I sit on the couch or love seat and turn the pages one at a time looking at the pictures and remembering what a day that was.  I talk to her as if she were sitting, leaning up against me, and discuss the picture and what was going on at that time.  When I'm finished with the album I say a prayer of thanks to the Good Lord for our time together.  For me, now, I find that as long as I don't think about my loss, and the resultant spiral downward I am fine.  I concentrate on the happiness and joy of the marriage and the woman I loved.  I don't live in the past, I live for the future.

"Time does not heal all wounds."  But... It does bring acceptance and with that, acceptance, and the ability to create a new person who eventually develops new aims, goals, and a purpose.  It will happen... once one can finally see the positive and climb out of the huge sinkhole of despair. 

It takes years and depending upon the person, more years, but I have found that time does bring acceptance, and with it progress.

((((HUGS))))

Frank

Thank you for this Frank. I am 8.5 years out today. You have lifted my spirit and again given me Hope! 

God Bless and Peace Be With You

Debra 

Right on, Frank. I am experiencing very similar to what you described. Been 7 months, and sometimes I don't even know who I am. My goals, passions, directions, plans got derailed that one awful Friday night. I like what you said about about redirecting from the loss to remembering how wonderful she was and how lucky I am to have had the time with her that I had. Thanks for that! :-)

I couldn't agree more. Going on 3 year and yet I feel no better at all. As for being normal, I don't even remember how that felt.

Hello, lostandsad.  I'm so sorry you're having such a rough go of it.  First of all, please believe there is hope.  I can relate somewhat on the time healing thing...

It's been only a little over 10 months for me.  I wouldn't say I've gotten better, I'd say I'm different.  I've changed and it's a struggle to figure myself coupled with just plain old missing my adorable man.   My heart hasn't caught up with my brain yet.  My heart feels like he'll be home anytime but my brain says no, he won't.  

I got a nice little surprise in the mail today. SJ passed in March in the hospital, and the hospital just now got around to sending me the bill.  $66,000 after insurance. "Sorry for your loss, now give us all your money". Me: "Sure, no problem, will you take a check, or should I just deed my house over to you?" Talk about ripping the scabs off. It's gonna leave a mark, emotionally and financially. Arguably the cruelest thing I've heard to date. Does it ever end??

Sorry for the rant, but it's better than breaking stuff :-)

J- you say it is a surprise, I just want to mention what happened to me. My husband was pronounced in the emergency room and I gave them all his insurance info. When someone passes, the insurance is terminated. The person that entered the info at the insurance company entered the incorrect time. It should have been 12AM but was entered as 12PM which meant they canceled his insurance six hours before he died!  I’m not saying this the same as your situation but point being, they make mistakes. That sounds like an awful lot for out of pocket, I hope it is in error, look into it further. So sorry this is happening to you, I know it is very upsetting. Hoping you can get it resolved, good luck!

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