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Hi 

My name is Denise.  My husband of 20 years legally, but 28 almost 29 together passed away 3 years ago March 15, 2015 and this last month the waves have been hitting hard.  As with everyone, guess beyond our regular triggers, important dates and such, we never know why.  I felt I needed to chat. I have seen a Grief Counselor in the past.  Just can't quite get a handle on this.  Not sure how this site works, but I know when my  husband was battling cancer the Cancer Chat site was of immense help.  

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(((Denise)))

They happen b/c grief is still present - precious memories make us yearn for everything about our deceased loved one as well as our old life ...

The one thing about grief is deciding what to do about it - there is no charted or linear course of action or widow manual to refer to - its all left up to the person to find ways to navigate through the long journey of grief & transformation. Its a "what you make of it" while carrying a heavy heart ...

For me, all of it felt painful, cruel & hateful, however it finally made sense for the loss of the most beautiful man I was priviledged to share my life with happily as well as through the ups & downs ...

Keep coming back ...

Blessings ...

I know that grief has become and will continue to be one of my constant companions.  I just wish I could understand all my triggers.  I know that is asking for a lot.  I get a triggers will be his birthday, our anniversary or events that he will never see with his sons. But sometimes I can't identify the trigger.

I guess that is going to happen.

I think I needed a place to write stuff down.  I have a journal and I do write in it.  But I think I just need to see or hear the confirmations of what I already know as time passes.  As time passes, people who are not experiencing this kind of loss do give those looks like why are you still like this.  I hate to admit, I think I was one of them.  

I thank you for your words.  I am glad I am here.

Hi Denise,

Sorry for your loss and for what you’re experiencing right now. You have come to the right place, everyone here has had a loss too so we understand. You can even start a blog if you just want to let out some of your feelings.

There is no definitive time line for grief. It takes some of us longer than others to achieve that inner peace, but I will tell you it does come. Grief requires a lot of patience— it sounds like you are a bit confused as to why you continue to feel this way after three years. I remember thinking it was never going to get better for me at around the same time. It was discouraging when I began feeling somewhat better and thought that dark cloud had finally lifted only to fall back down again into my slump. So just be patient Denise. Continue to share your feelings here. It is a place where many have just begun their grief journey and many more are along the path. There are others that have passed through it and are here to offer encouragement. We support each other.

I know there is no timeline, I just need to talk with others that have been through this.  I am not really confused maybe just back at my angry place.  The reality is really setting in.  Thank you for your words.  And I am here to get and give support.  And just to talk about him sometimes.

Denise 

Hi Viola, 
Grief is so draining - mostly the anger & impatience from it going on & on & on - like tumbling around sometimes like Fight Club in thrashing about in the unknown darkness of an abyss ...
Its common as well as keeps a person on their toes striving for many ways to find relief, contentment & inner peace. It is nerve wracking & crazy making w/continuous hard work to identify needs & attending to them even those thought to have been settled. The mind never forgets unresolved irritants & will let you know when it needs attention to again work them out. I got do sick & tired of myself. Death as it happens is more than having a dead spouse - its about bringing yourself back to life by settling your past ...
Like Callie, I also recall feeling confused & frustrated at "why" my efforts did not seem to making any head way. At the time - I had no idea of all the aspects healing entailed. My emotions grew intense & thoughts continued to recycle even though slightly different from the first year in that it was less exhausting. I yearned to do so much more w/my life instead of feeling like crap everyday. At the time I just wanted to wake one morning feeling refreshed, ready to go enjoy life free from grief & fully adjusted to Bob's death. In those times of despair & frustration, I was driven to go on the hunt for different clinicians to help me relax from the daily stress & anger. Lots of trials & disappointments, however, I kept at till I found a new Acupuncturist that provided stronger more effective results as well as a clinician that prescribed a type of therapy conducive to my needs. It certainly was a learning experience in taking care of myself by doing the footwork to find other viable options to assist w/my grief - when I could no longer do it w/the coping skills I had. It was not so much the fault of the professionals I worked with - to put it politely, it was more that I needed a step up from their therapies for the ones they were unable to detect or unwilling to address due to excellent insurance that provided extensive years of therapy like a cash cow. I required caring & fresh eyes for approaches unlike the others to produce needed relief. You will need to check in w/professionals to address your issues to find if you're might also need more than connecting w/others as well as see who you feel safe & compatible with including experienced w/different types of therapy. Above all s/he must be a caring to view you as an individual - not a run of the mill grieving person w/good insurance or someone perceived as having all the answers ...
Hope this helps ...

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