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I think all of you have encountered something similar to an event I experienced last night.

It's been almost 13 months since my wife died. Last night I was at a convenience/drug store. When making my purchase I was asked for my phone number for "rewards" (which is in itself annoying but that's not my point). I asked if we could make some changes because my address has changed along with my phone number. She entered the information she had and up came my wife's name, her e-mail address, and old cell number. Out if the blue I almost started crying right there. I hate it when unexpected memories, benign as they may seem, out of nowhere occur. Just seeing her name, her old email address, triggered memories that hit me, particularly around the holiday. 

It is what it is.

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I so miss having someone to do things for.

My triggers are musical husband was a musician, and there are just certain songs.  I listen to talk radio a lot in the car as I don't like to cry and drive.  

Hi, Jerry and I loved music and would often lay in bed and ask Alexa to play us different random songs.  He always played Freebird, and it was also used at his funeral as per his request.  I don't want to hear it now.  I am actually afraid to hear it.  

As far as unexpected triggers, my job.  I met Jerry there.  His friends gather there, he has his table and his chair.  I had to quit.  


   Tonight I was sitting on the piano bench holding my 3 month old Grandson and played Heart n Soul for him. And I broke down crying. Heart n Soul is a little piece of music that Paul and I had played for 40 some years. Someone plays the TOP and the other plays the bottom of it. ( it takes 3 hands all together to play it.)


Music wrecks me so guy was an incredible musician. A drummer. He is the drummer in every song...

I see I'm not the only one who gets hit at the grocery store and that makes me feel a little less crazy.  I hate shopping and cooking for just me.  The last year of chemo and nausea had me always searching for new meals that might agree with him. Only now do I realize how much thought went into groceries. Now I see something on the shelf he used to like but I don't care for and it makes me cry that there's no reason to ever buy a jar of pickles or tang water flavor or that particular deli meat.  I feel very alone most of the time but the grocery store makes me very lonely. I go very early on Sunday mornings now so there aren't as many witnesses to me staring frozen in tears at a jar of pickles. 

The first time I ventured out to the grocery store after Paul passed away, I was hit with tears. Kroger had stands of decorator pillows saying stuff like " His & Hers"  I had to get out of there.


I wasn't hit quite that hard, but last December I checked into a edgy hotel (The Greenville, SC Aloft) and the two bed pillows had highly-pixellated faces, a male on one and a female on the other.  The world doesn't always come in pairs!

My first time to the grocery store after my Love passed, I had a major panic was all too overwhelming: the lights, the people, the choices...i walked in there and was suddenly looking only for his face in the store and became angry that none of the faces were his...i fled as quickly as i could and bawled in the car, totally just for me is a very sad experience, that i can barely get out to do it...i'm sorry it is so hard for You as well...big hug... 

I've had a few very trying days.  Root canal Friday, then Saturday I misplaced my car keys at the gym.  Looked everywhere for them with help from an employee (even the trash), finally fired up an Uber app on my phone that I'd never used and got a ride home.  Then I couldn't find the spare key I'd hidden under a rock in  the flower beds because I'd raked so many leaves into the beds-  took me half an hour before I finally found the right rock.  Let myself in, got the spare car key, got a ride back.  Turned out that some well-meaning soul had found the keys and turned them in.  I felt SO alone when I was searching for the darn keys.  What could have been a simple phone call ("honey, could you please come to the gym and bring the spare car keys?") turned into a crisis because I don't have Ron anymore. I'm leaving for India tomorrow and have been worrying myself sick over making my connection in London (have to connect through Chicago in the US).  The London-Delhi itinerary is a different airline so I'm worried that if Airline A doesn't get me to London in time (and I've even scheduled an overnight in London), Airline B won't give a da*n if I miss the flight to Delhi.

Ron used to be so good at calming me when my worry engine went into overdrive, but he's not here.  I got the box with his ashes (wrapped in one of his old flannel shirts) so I could parcel out some to deposit into the Ganges) and ended up hugging the container hard and crying.  I probably haven't cried enough since his death.  Maybe I needed it.  I cleaned the kitchen and went to the gym; I think the workout helped.

Thanks for reading this far; few others would understand my neuroses right now.

HI Athena!

   It sounds as if,"  If you didn't have bad luck, you would have no luck at all " :-(   But I'm glad you found your keys!

   Have fun on your trip!


Athena, I know that awful feeling when we misplace a car key or house key or if we lock ourselves out of either one. I remember doing both. It can be a bit of a panic situation. So glad you were able to get the spare and that some kind soul turned in your keys. I once lost my keys at the mall. I was trying on clothes and I had them in my pants pocket and did not hear them drop onto the floor. I had been to several stores and didn’t know where to look. I was exhausted and just felt like crying right there in the middle of the mall! I went back and retraced my steps and luckily, found them. It’s one of those aggravations we could do without! Yes, it’s not as bad when we had our husbands to bail us out and these things tend to really bring attention to our loss.

Have a good time on your trip, you’re such a seasoned traveler, you will get there, I am sure!  If it were me, I wouldn’t stand a chance. I would end up in a foreign country unable to speak the language, lol!  God bless adventurous people like you. Hope maybe to hear some of the highlights when you return!


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