A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Do you sometimes feel like most people here had perfect relationships, and you didn't? Do you think sometimes grieving people put their late loved ones on pedestals or "forget" the hard times? Maybe difficulties strengthened your bond over time. Maybe you compromised too much. Maybe you had mixed feelings when they died. (Maybe you did a jig. :-) )
Has your perspective on your relationship changed since your loss?
Every relationship has its issues, but I'll bet whatever yours were, you're not alone!
Oh boy, you have got to let that feeling go. You could not , did not cause his heart attack. Anymore then I could say I caused my husbands cancer. The hardest thing to do is forgive ourselves. We are not perfect and things happen in life that we all take for granted. One of the things that I have learned on this yucky journey of widowhood is to hug and make sure the people I love know it. Sometimes that is really hard to do especially with a teenage daughter LOL. But she does know I will and do love her. Please try and let those feelings go. (((hugs)))
Listen to her, widow@34, it is great advice.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please realize that you are not to blame. It is not your fault. You did not cause his death, so please forgive yourself. Things are always clearer in retrospect and we all have regrets no matter what. We are all flawed and we do our best at a given moment. Please be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself. Your beloved husband would not want you to blame yourself.
My husband and I were on the verge of separation when he died. He was drinking and fooling around. I'd had enough. I was barely speaking to him. He was trying to make amends, but he was still drinking. On Sunday he promised me he was going to an AA meeting that following Wednesday. Ken died that Wednesday.
His mistress showed for the funeral. It was horrendous.
But I had a revelation: I needed to forgive him to get on with my life. It really helped.
Oh my Regina ... I'm sure "horrendous" doesn't come close to describing how it was for you. But I'm really proud of you to recognize that forgiveness was needed for YOU to survive. Good for you.
Thank you Dianne in Nevada. It takes time and introspection, and some prayer as well.
I am glad that you were able to forgive. I had considered divorce just before my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Four years earlier I discovered his infidelity by learning he gave me an STD. I forgave and stayed in the marriage, but I felt he was not telling the whole truth. I was right. It slipped out of him two months before he died that he had "gotten drunk and done something stupid" on a business trip. When I confronted him, he refused to answer my questions so he died being faithful to his lies rather than confessing the truth. I had to forgive and let it go in order to go forward. It has only been four months since his death, but I have been working hard at this grief business.
Some real honest answers to this question here. I dont think anyone can honesly say a relationship was completly perfect. I am sure that those of us that have loss their spouse tend to think or try to remember only the good times.I know I do / I was married for 35 years, and there were fights, arguments,etc over the years.I will say that as we got older we did really begin to understand each other much better.But in the last few months of my wifes life, there were a few times that we had agruments, mainly over her not wanting to eat.