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Was your relationship less than perfect?
Do you sometimes feel like most people here had perfect relationships, and you didn't? Do you think sometimes grieving people put their late loved ones on pedestals or "forget" the hard times? Maybe difficulties strengthened your bond over time. Maybe you compromised too much. Maybe you had mixed feelings when they died. (Maybe you did a jig. :-) )
Has your perspective on your relationship changed since your loss?
Every relationship has its issues, but I'll bet whatever yours were, you're not alone!
Tags: counseling, imperfect, marital issues
Views: 2458
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by widow@34 on -
thank you, thank you so much for posting. you are correct in that i am harder on myself than anyone else. Thank you for the support.
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Permalink Reply by bad ass widow on -
Oh boy, you have got to let that feeling go. You could not , did not cause his heart attack. Anymore then I could say I caused my husbands cancer. The hardest thing to do is forgive ourselves. We are not perfect and things happen in life that we all take for granted. One of the things that I have learned on this yucky journey of widowhood is to hug and make sure the people I love know it. Sometimes that is really hard to do especially with a teenage daughter LOL. But she does know I will and do love her. Please try and let those feelings go. (((hugs)))
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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on -
I am so sorry for your loss. Please realize that you are not to blame. It is not your fault. You did not cause his death, so please forgive yourself. Things are always clearer in retrospect and we all have regrets no matter what. We are all flawed and we do our best at a given moment. Please be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself. Your beloved husband would not want you to blame yourself.
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Permalink Reply by surreal on -
Widow@34.... I see you wrote this in march. Do you feel you've been able to work through some of this . I feel the same as you regarding the relationship with my husband
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Permalink Reply by Regina B on
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My husband and I were on the verge of separation when he died. He was drinking and fooling around. I'd had enough. I was barely speaking to him. He was trying to make amends, but he was still drinking. On Sunday he promised me he was going to an AA meeting that following Wednesday. Ken died that Wednesday.
His mistress showed for the funeral. It was horrendous.
But I had a revelation: I needed to forgive him to get on with my life. It really helped.
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Permalink Reply by Dianne in Nevada on -
Oh my Regina ... I'm sure "horrendous" doesn't come close to describing how it was for you. But I'm really proud of you to recognize that forgiveness was needed for YOU to survive. Good for you.
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Permalink Reply by Regina B on
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Thank you Dianne in Nevada. It takes time and introspection, and some prayer as well.
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Permalink Reply by Mariposa on
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I am glad that you were able to forgive. I had considered divorce just before my husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer. Four years earlier I discovered his infidelity by learning he gave me an STD. I forgave and stayed in the marriage, but I felt he was not telling the whole truth. I was right. It slipped out of him two months before he died that he had "gotten drunk and done something stupid" on a business trip. When I confronted him, he refused to answer my questions so he died being faithful to his lies rather than confessing the truth. I had to forgive and let it go in order to go forward. It has only been four months since his death, but I have been working hard at this grief business.
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Permalink Reply by Jerry on
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Some real honest answers to this question here. I dont think anyone can honesly say a relationship was completly perfect. I am sure that those of us that have loss their spouse tend to think or try to remember only the good times.I know I do / I was married for 35 years, and there were fights, arguments,etc over the years.I will say that as we got older we did really begin to understand each other much better.But in the last few months of my wifes life, there were a few times that we had agruments, mainly over her not wanting to eat.
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Permalink Reply by JSMom on -
- Our marriage wasn't perfect, although it seemed to be perfect for us. We never faught and liked to do the same things. We got along with most of each others friends. He was a great dad for the kids. We both worked so much, we were hardly together. He made me feel loved and secure and taken care of, and I did my best to make him feel the same way. But, I've been really thinking alot recently that we were not best friends. There were so many things that we should have been able to talk about, he wan't shy about it with me, but I just ignored certain things rather than have a real dissussion about whatever. I've always been a quiet person that tries to avoid conflict, but we really didn't talk about how each other felt about anything. Isn't that what best friends do? I read the post on here sometimes and wander if he was really 'the one'. Oh, I love him and I miss him every day...but...what if?
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