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Was your relationship less than perfect?
Do you sometimes feel like most people here had perfect relationships, and you didn't? Do you think sometimes grieving people put their late loved ones on pedestals or "forget" the hard times? Maybe difficulties strengthened your bond over time. Maybe you compromised too much. Maybe you had mixed feelings when they died. (Maybe you did a jig. :-) )
Has your perspective on your relationship changed since your loss?
Every relationship has its issues, but I'll bet whatever yours were, you're not alone!
Tags: counseling, imperfect, marital issues
Views: 2571
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lyn on -
I love this thread! It's pretty easy to put our spouses on a pedestal after such a huge loss. I'll be the first to admit that Jeff wasn't an angel. He got cranky and could be downright rude occasionally. He wasn't always the most sensitive when dealing with my emotions. We didn't always agree on things. I hated it when he looked at me like I was an idiot when I was trying to make a point. It makes me smile to think about these things now. They were some of his most endearing traits. We would often laugh at ourselves after an argument because they were usually silly. He always felt bad when he hurt my feelings. He would often laugh when I took exception to how he looked at me when I was trying to make a point. He'd tell me that he only had one face and I'd decided I loved it and would just have to put up with it. ;-)
I loved him with all of my heart and miss him so very much. I like thinking about his good parts and his bad parts. It's what makes him human.
No, he wasn't a saint, but he was my true love.
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Permalink Reply by Tommi on -
Very well put.....what I wouldn't give to hear a snarky comment from about the way I was doing something!
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Permalink Reply by Susan B on -
...don't you know it. or being told to "butt out, Susan B" when I offered my 2 cents about one of his household projects.
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Permalink Reply by kimkirt (KK) on -
Haha! My husband would always say "Why is my stuff stupid?" I would go "Your stupid truck, or your stupid crime shows." when we'd disagree about stuff. lol What I wouldn't give to be argueing with him about his stupid jeep and how he loved that thing more than me (I know he didn't, but you know what I mean!!).
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Permalink Reply by Tammy S on -
Chris and I had a wonderful marriage for the first 24 yrs. We were always talk of by others we were joined at the hip.we did everything together while raising our 5 children. In 2004 he started having issues of anger and our family and friends were starting to stayaway. He would yell at the kids for little things and get upset with others at the smallest thing. In 2005 we discovered a brain tumor in the front left lobe. Cancer. He had surgery which went well and had to take chemo for 2 yrs. He had always been a very funny person. Our youngest said "Dad you lost your funny". He continued to not be a very nice person and finally the dr gave him
an antipsycotic medicine which helped some. He never was the same. We struggled but i tried very hard to work through it all as it was not his fault he was now this way. When he developed a second primary cancer, Pancreatic Cancer he was in so much pain but at that time
we did not know he had it. He started drinking and lying about
where he was, spending money which turned out for alchol and
pain medicine for his pain. He did it to hide his pain so he could
work and try to get by. He should have told us what he was feeling
so we could have pushed harder with the drs. At one point I had
him placed in a rehab center. I was not going to let him get any
worse. Now that I know he had the excrusiating pain that goes
with Pancreatic Cancer I feel terrible and so bad I put him in
there. Our friends said I should leave him as he was out of
control and treating me terrible. I did leave for 6 days. I stayed in
a hotel to get my thoughts together and figure out what I was
going to do stay or leave him. I knew I married for life through
good times and bad. The funny thing was I loved him with every
inch of my being. I was hurt and frustrated but I had to go home
and try to help him. Even though the cancer diagnosis was not a
good one it explained his pain and his actions. After he went on
Hospice he started to become the loving man I married and I
could not believe I was going to lose him soon. I am glad we
finally got to get to the loving point before he died. I dont know
what I would have done if he treated me bad when he died.
I miss him so much it hurts. He died May 12, 2012 just 4 days
before our 30th anniversary.
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Permalink Reply by maddogdolly on -
What is perfect anyway. Does anyone have a 'perfect' relationship? I think the longer you are with someone, the less chance 'perfect' has to exist. The first 25 years my husband and I were together were pretty good I'd say. We had 10 years as a couple before we started a family. 3 kids later we were still rockin' and rollin' along. Life was good. Then disillusionment set in (for him). Mainly I think it was about his job...but some of it was about us. Then our kids became teenagers and with that came assorted dramas. Marc didn't know how to deal with the stressors of life, other than to drink them away. Over time, this became a problem. The last 10 years we had were very trying, definitely not "quality" years. The last year we were not certain we would stay together, yet neither of us would or possibly could make the move of stepping away. We spoke of it often. We would acknowledge that although we still loved each other, and always would, but living together had become near impossible. His drinking, depression and suppression of his feelings....my escapism into the performing arts....looking back, it's very sad what we let happen to us. And then he got sick. Then he was into denial about his fate. We couldn't really talk about it. Then, near the end, he lost his voice. It was as if when he finally realized he was at the end of the line, all the things you think someone wants to say...he couldn't say them. All he could do was mouth "I love you", and in the end, that's all I know we had. Was it enough? Maybe someday I will say "yes, it was", but right now (7 mos. later), I feel horrible. For him, for me, for us. And for our kids. So much went unexpressed. I am consumed with guilt. Coulda- shoulda- woulda...Will I ever be able to let go of it? He made mistakes. Basically, drinking killed him. Well, that and the health care industry who wouldn't deal with him because we didn't have health insurance...(that's another story). And what about me? What part did I play in my own marriage? I spent the last few years running away emotionally. But I always thought we'd survive the hell of those last few years. I thought we'd get through them. Like others have said, I envisioned us on the porch of our log cabin in rocking chairs...watching the grandchildren run about down at the pond. None of that has come to pass. He died a month before what would have been our 33rd anniversary. We had been together 35 years. We were 20 and 21 when we started dating. I hate, hate hate being 56 and having to start a new life. I wanted to fix the old one. I think I could have but I blew it. So yeah, our relationship was way less than perfect. Yes, we had love. But what's love got to do, got to do with it?
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Permalink Reply by surreal on
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I feel so much of what massif dolly has written. The last ten years with my husband were filled with tension mostly due to his drinking and both of us distancing ourselves emotionally. I have so many regrets over what could have been and things left unsaid . It took his death for me to realize how much I loved him and miss his presence and how I took him for granted. I would give anything to make it up to him. This is killing me . I don't know how to get past it.
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Permalink Reply by Arnie (New Normal) on -
Hi Widow 34 I don't think we have met, i am now 45 days into my loss as well as the loss of our 19 yr old son last November. I will say only one thing as i know it to be true. YOU did NOT cause this to happen and if you spent 20 yrs together he would not want you feeling this way. All of us fought and anyone who tells you they didn't i would find impossible to beleive. Please be easy on yourself i am in a similar boat i have to go on for my other son. i lived with a lot of rgret when my son died, he and i had a rough relationship but as time went on my memmories where clearer and i remembered all the times i told him i loved him and i know he knew that. I feel the same with my wife i have worked 5-6 days a week since i met her and now i have not worked a day in 2 months why couldnt i have done that for her..... Regrets = nothing we can change, think of it like car windshield although the past is painfull just like the windshield has a rear view the rear view is much smaller than the windshield. this is on purpose because what lies ahead is so much more important for you to focus on than what is behind (do it for your child not you) I know it is so hard to hear the kinds of advise, but i do know that we will make it.
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Permalink Reply by carolynne on -
Arnie, what a fantastic analogy, I love this. thanks for sharing, I will try to remember to focus on the windshield. (((hugs)))
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Permalink Reply by widow@34 on -
Today is a horrible day for me. Its been 76 days. He died New Years Day. I have been following everyones posts and thought my heart aches for them as I thought I was doing better. Well I was wrong. My heart and my soul are just destroyed. My husband was a kind loving man, he was a workahaulic and that is how he showed us he cared. I forgot about that. We were together for almost 20 years since I was 15 and have gone through many ups and downs. We had learned to grow through each others life changes. However, I cant understand how this happened. My dear husband was only 37 years old. I guess I was at this point were I lost sight of us, questioned things and pushed him away. I cant get past the horrible arguement that I caused and was so stubborn and wouldnt just let go before my husband died. It was so pointless. I can't help but go back to all the bad stuff and wish I handled it differently. I can't help but wish if I was given another chance I would have been a kinder and more understanding wife. We did make up and I was so happy, it was supposed to be a great new start I thought. I cant help but think that stress and the mean things I said could have contributed to his heart attack. I feel we were robbed I never truly got a chance to make things right, I never got to tell him How much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I feel like my stubborness cost my daughter her father. Im still waiting on that report to know what exactly happened. I call them every week, they should no my voice by now. Preliminary over the phone the Medical examiner told me his left artery was almost 100 blocked, right was so tiny that I should have our daughter examined. But other people survive heart attacks everyday, mine never made it out of our bedroom. He thought he had heartburn and went to bed. Its killing me inside to think I caused this, all the stress weakend his heart. I loved him but just was confused. He was never confused. I feel like he is paying for my mistakes. I don't understand why it was not me, he was far better of a person. I know that I have to be here to raise our daughter and would never want her to feel this pain, but I can't imagine carrying this weight my entire life. I miss him every second, I hate I took so much for granted and I cant even tell him Im sorry, thank him, kiss his face. I have so much regret. I wish, I wish, I wish I had a rewind button. Hugs to everyone, I hope peace is brought to all of you. I dont think Ill ever find forgiveness. I have to figure something out for our daughter I just don't know how to live with this.
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Permalink Reply by Regina B on
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widow@34, I too thought I brought on the heart attack that killed my husband. It wasn't me. and it isn't you. Would you please promise me that you won't be so hard on yourself? Would you promise me that you will say: I am my own worst critic? Would you please promise me that you need to think logically, and 76 days later is not a logical amount of time to assess this in a logical manner. If you could talk to your husband, do you know what he would say? He would say that he was responsible for his heart attack, not you. Hugs from me to you, and plenty of hope that you can put this guilt (which we always impose illogically on ourselves) aside. It's because you are a good person that you do this to yourself, which you shouldn't.
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