A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Do you sometimes feel like most people here had perfect relationships, and you didn't? Do you think sometimes grieving people put their late loved ones on pedestals or "forget" the hard times? Maybe difficulties strengthened your bond over time. Maybe you compromised too much. Maybe you had mixed feelings when they died. (Maybe you did a jig. :-) )
Has your perspective on your relationship changed since your loss?
Every relationship has its issues, but I'll bet whatever yours were, you're not alone!
Our relationship was far from perfect and I sometimes remember the flaws and problems that we had. I'm part of a group for cystic fibrosis wives and we just talk about what it's like to be married to someone with cystic fibrosis. I stay a part of the group because they were angles to me when my husband passed and they have become great friends. I'm also able to share my side of what it was like to be a CF Wife - but anyway (I digress) From being a part of this group I frequently remember the hard times with his attitude about CF and the struggles that we went through trying to balance it all. The arguments that we had.
Before Spencer passed away I was terrified that all I would remember is the fights that we had, the little petty things. That we were so selfish. Sometimes I wondered if the bad would outweigh the good because sometimes it seemed like we were ALWAYS having a hard time -- but after he passed all I could think about were the good memories. Yes, I still remember our hard times, but they don't bother me like I thought they would - I don't feel guilty about any of it. I know that the good in our relationship far outweighed the bad!!
I do think that in a way I put my husband upon a pedestal, but only sometimes. And I do think my perspective of our relationship has changed - hindsight, right?! ;-)
Remembering the good things over the bad is a reminder for me that our relationship was wholesome and positive despite the negativity that I felt sometimes drowned everything out.
Our relationship took on many forms.Husband & Wife, friends, lovers, then the caregiver years, no longer were lovers, counselor, honey do (i was the honey do).
So, my life was far, far, far, from perfect. Many, many,many sorrows, disappointments, grief.
But, our relationship seemed to stay above water most of the time. There are things I said to him out of anger, hurt, disappointment, exhaustion that to this day I regret and I know hurt him deeply.
Just because he had a disability and was in a wheelchair did not make him a saint or me a "strong person". We were very imperfect in many ways. But, it was what our life was. So we worked the best we could with the deck of crds we were dealt with.
I don't know if I know what a perfect relationship is? I don't know if I know what to expect from a relationship if one evey did come my way again.
One thing that has happened for me. Because the last 3-4 yrs or maybe even longer.....had erased the "memory of the good times" and the Dave I married. SInce it's been 8 months I've started to remember the man I married and yes, we did have a good life, even if it was for only a few years, at one time and we did have the very best relationship, at one time.
My marriage was less than perfect. We had lots of arguments and lots of bad years but were together 28 years. We also had good times and happiness. We saw several counselors over the years to improve our relationship, but the bottom line is we were committed to each other and stayed together through thick and thin. Admittedly, it would have been easier in many ways to walk away from each other, but we didn't want to do that to the kids.
I try and remember the good times and the laughter, but I'm not quite there yet. It is still painful and hard to think about.
Someday I hope the sadness fades away and the good times will emerge into my thoughts.
...unfortunately there have been remarks like that right here on WV. ("My pain is greater because I loved more deeply")From people who should know better, no less. But i take them with a grain of salt. Nobody's perfect.
I thought I was the only one who picked up on that Susan.. ((hugs)) If you move forward you must not of loved them as deeply.. Yep. Not true and not fair. And now that I think of it.. maybe THAT'S what they mean when they say, "I'm not as strong as you"!
*light bulb moment*
I think we all grieve in a different way and no one should be made to feel badly for the depth of their sorrow.I don't think anyone has a perfect marriage.People I know will think I just didn't care.Not the truth. I want to move forward quickly,not because I didn't love my husband,but I've never liked feeling down in the dumps.I have a strong faith in God and I know where my husband is right now. I miss him every minute but I need to move on NOW or I will remain in this miserable state of self-pity and grief forever.My mother grieved for my dad 15 yrs.She moved forward but there was a sadness about her.My husband passed May 27 ,2012 and my family thinks I'm not showing enough respect by not crying constantly.All of us have had a precious part of ourselves ripped from us and the pain is in the core of our beings.God Bless
Our relationship was not perfect but we learned that if it is broke you fix it and if it is not broke leave it alone. 25 plus years of Marriage teaches you to accept the good with the bad. I would not trade one day of the time we had together, both good and bad. He was a kind, loving and gentle man and the best father you could ask for. He had his faults but so do I. We are only human and all we have to go on is from our parents and grandparents, if some of us are lucky enough to know them. I have my faults to but that is what makes us human and who we are. I never tried to change him because he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with good, bad or otherwise. He was Jim and it was either you take me as I am or not at all. I chose to take him as he was. I remember the good times but I also remember the bad times. It is the bad times that made our Marriage stronger and I would not trade one day of the 25 plus years with him. I find myself taking on some of his traits as well. I find I do not put up with anything from any one any more, I am more outspoken and I am learning that it is okay to meet new people considering that I was always the quiet reserved type and he was the outgoing person. He never meet a stranger and if I did not know you I would never have even said "Hi". Do I miss him, you bet I do but he helped to make me the person I am becoming today.
Janet, Doug and I only had 6 years together but I can totally relate to your post here. I fell in love with him for who he was not who I thought I could eventually make him. And we both had our faults, getting together in middle age we both had habits that were hard to break and learning to blend our lives was a challenge. But we loved each other to bits and truly enjoyed our good times together. The bad times cemented our relationship and ensured it was going to be long-term (circumstances aside).
Now I find myself not prepared to 'back down' as I once would have. I don't accept 'no' for an answer when I need a 'yes'. I'm not afraid to dream bigger than I ever thought possible - yes he is with me and always will be as he also helped me become the person I am becoming. Chez
Awe SusanB, I am so sorry if anyone here made you feel like that. We have enough to deal with, without that crap added to it. I have been reading back all the comments on this thread. And the honesty amazes me. Surreal, I too had to deal with other people thinking well she wont mourn long because their marriage was crappy. And I know at first I said well he was a great Guy, but a lousy husband and a lousy father. It was my way of building up the wall even further so people would not find out the truth about us. It wasnt necessarily true. He was a good father in his own way and he was a good husband in the way he believed. You know, he worked and made the money to provide, yadda, yadda, yadda. Was he my best friend? Absolutely not. I never wanted to marry my best friend, Iwanted to marry him. Did he cheat on me? Yes, with the slut right down the street. Did she show up to the funeral home? Yes she did. Even though their affair had ended over 10 years ago, she cried and wailed like a I dont know what. Yes I let her in, but she made a move to talk to my daughter and I made a move to make sure she was escorted out. And then she had the nerve to say I was making this all about me. Damn right I was ! Anyhow sorry, I am starting to ramble. I think we all loved our partners and we all deserve the chance to grieve the lost chances, the regrets, everything. I think because we are honest with ourselves, and not putting our partners on pedestals, we might have a better chance of healing. Just my thought.
(((hugs))) to everyone
back atcha (((((((((BAW)))))))))