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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Do you sometimes feel like most people here had perfect relationships, and you didn't? Do you think sometimes grieving people put their late loved ones on pedestals or "forget" the hard times? Maybe difficulties strengthened your bond over time. Maybe you compromised too much. Maybe you had mixed feelings when they died. (Maybe you did a jig. :-) )

Has your perspective on your relationship changed since your loss?

Every relationship has its issues, but I'll bet whatever yours were, you're not alone!

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Solita,
My condolences to you on your recent loss. You have been through a lot and I can understand the difficulty of living with someone with many of those syndromes. Doctors have a hard time understanding/acknowledging these conditions and even getting a true diagnosis can be frustrating. I know because I have a few of those conditions myself and many people do not even have a basic understanding of what they are. It forces us to live in both silence and isolation. It took me some time to realize that it didn't matter what anyone else thinks, I still need to focus on myself because I know what I feel is real!

Guilt is a very natural emotion we feel when experiencing sudden loss. We didn't see it coming, but how could we? Always remember, you did not cause his illness. While we think through all the shoulda, woulda, coulda scenarios, there is no possible way we could know if any of them would have made a difference in the outcome. Now you may regret not being there, but you admit he was doing well at the time. Not unreasonable! What is hard for us to accept is that we really do not have control over death. You gave him all the love, care and understanding that you could and you were drained. Relief is understandable. You deserve peace and I hope you are able to find it soon.

Sorry you don't feel the social support you need right now. Your husband's issues need no validation nor explanation--you are a widow. His health history is irrelevant now, unless you chose to discuss it or maybe elect to speak up as an advocate for those living with these conditions maybe sometime in the future. If there are any local grief support groups, it may be very helpful for you. I think you can safely express your feelings here as well, there are a lot of caring and understanding people here.

Thank you!!! <3

Since David Bowie's death on Sunday 1/10/16, the icon's songs have been played on every radio station I listen to. One in particular is "Changes". I listened to this song repeatedly during my many years of grief to hear one specific verse; "So I turned myself to face me". It was my lament. Not only did it remind me to put the focus back on me, it provided a platform for me to shed as well as come to terms with the person I was, and who I was destined to become.

Initially, I replied to this thread because of friends and family who thought our marriage was less than perfect. We had a distinct quality about "us" that people were greatly puzzled by. Our backgrounds were like night and day as well as our ethnicities. Unlike other couples in our world, we shared the same sense of humor, and were unforgetably demonstrative. In our 28yrs together, we still embraced as if we were about to devour eachother while other couples tolerated one another or continued to change partners. Some likened us to being "wild", we actually weren't; it was our normal. I'm happy when I think back on us, it was one helluva of a ride.

In regards to grief, I read many times the first year is about ones deceased spouse, the second year is the hardest, it begins to be all about "you". 

My thought was how could it be about me when my husband is the one who is dead. It wasn't till I started saying, "I" should have, "I" could have, "I" would have -did I hear myself say "I'. OMG! Then I had to figure out what all the guilt was about, most importantly, the guilt about his death that I had no way of preventing. DH died 5 miles from home in a car collision on the freeway. A landslide brought me down like the song "Landslide" written by Stevie Nicks: "I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I built my life around you. Time makes you bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older, too." The guilt forced me to look at myself. It uncovered many issues about myself & my marriage I didn't understand or knew how to cope with at the time or how to resolve in present time. I learned to change through forgiveness, increased love -it took alot of raging anger sessions to stop blaming, to accept responsility for each & every time I was a participant; silently or vocally.

Grief taught me a wealth of lessons I am forever grateful for. I found out what the so called "bad times" were about & what I was to have learned from them. I had many "aha" moments that made me cringe with embarrassment. When all those scenarios of "bad times" replayed repeatedly in my head, I began to thoroughly comprehend my role in DH's life, vice versa. Life without challenges is like Bill Murray's "Groundhog Day". Repetitive, monotonous, nothing to learn from & nothing to gain. The culmination of my grief verified "we were perfect for eachother". Our union was meant to develop/raise each of us spiritually as well as in being individual human beings. Our next time round, I hope I get to be the one who gets to watch over him. I'm smiling remembering the fun & excitement he got out of sports icluding his many injuries that just made me want to kick his ass for causing me such distress. It certainly would be interesting to see if he were the same type of person again  & if he could tame himself enough to change. See that Big Guy, I just challenged you!

My marriage was full of stumbling blocks. His last year was the hardest as he became very difficult due to medication. In reality, he was a man everyone liked. Before he died, we agreed our marriage worked. He kissed my hand and told me I was beautiful. I was here when he passed, holding his. The tears are still fresh after 5 months.

Mine was close to perfect! He was a perfect husband, a perfect companion, my best friend and my all.

We did have disagreements of course, but since hubby was never a confrontational type of person and he had the best temper in the world, he always gave me time and space. That worked out great somewhat, but we never really got a chance to solve the fundamental problems. Luckily, the problems were never big or substantial to begin with, just some silly matter.

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