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I am not a kid anymore I am 66.   The last time I dated was 45 years ago.  I am not sure that I want to date yet but am thinking maybe in the next year or so.

In the meantime I need a lot of help in HOW to date at my age. In the '60s as a late teen and in my early 20s I met most of those I dated at dances, I went on Friday and Saturday night around a country dance circuit.  Now if I meet men it is mainly as part of a couple and not as singles.

I don't want to go into online dating or go to a meet up I am not ready for that. But I would like to find someone to go to the movies etc with. 

Tell me your own experiences or where did you find that someone special?

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Slick I fully understand where your coming from, as I was in the exact same situation that you currently are in. I'm a loner...1-2 close people and avoid crowds of people like the plague. I fully understand what you are talking about by not wanting to deal with a blow up, because you feel that he will one way or another draw you back in or try to manipulate you or make you look like the ass, leaving you with guilt over the whole thing. My suggestion is to do what I eventually had to do to get away and that is no contact!!! You DON'T owe him any explanation!...none ...nada...nope...and once you come to terms with that in your heart and mind, you will be able to get the courage to just let him and the whole situation go! Don't answer his phone calls, don't listen to his voicemails, don't answer his texts, and what ever you do don't go to his house. The last thing you need is for him to get angry and violent if you decide to drop him out of your life in person. He may not "seem" like the violent type, but you don't really know him that well and many narcissists are violent! Believe me and save yourself and your sanity, don't answer his phone calls or texts and eventually he will get the hint and stop calling! Your not being mean, your saving yourself! You can also block his number on your phone making it so your phone doesn't ring at all, when he calls. My heart goes out to you and please be safe!

I still see the man I used to date May till November last year.  He and I go to the same place to shop so about once a week I sit down and have a coffee with him.  We both know that is the limit of the friendship now and so it is okay.  If he started phoning me I would ask him to stop and tell him it is no longer appropriate.  We have to take charge sometimes and be an adult not the timid girl we used to be.  Maybe that is an age thing but really I don't care to be more than a casual friend to any of the men I have gone out with now.

Slick I am both a confident and independent woman and yet timid in my approach to what I see as a confrontational situation.  So I do, in relationships, sometimes say I am fine with things when I am not.  Which explains in part why I am not in a relationship now as to change someone, especially myself means facing problems I don't want to think about.  Maybe I am the kind of person who is better off alone now.  So once more I am getting used to that idea, seem to have to do so again and again and again.  Slow learner

I know exactly what you mean, Sue- it's called "people-pleasing" and it's one of my biggest weaknesses!  It is VERY hard for me to call people on their bad behavior and if I do and they deny it, get defensive or get aggressive, I back down and retreat.  I have two beautiful granddaughters and  the one thing I want to do for them is teach them to stand up for themselves.  It makes me want to be on this earth awhile longer; the older is 3 and her sister just turned one.

Excellent advice, BergenJC
Either s--- or get off the pot! # 3 is the only rational option with a good outcome

I just sat and listened to a man tell me why he couldn't trust women even after 35 years post divorce. Wish I could have just walked away but we were waiting for a mutual friend to appear.  She did come eventually. I do wonder why a person cannot move on, 35 years is a loooong time. It will soon be Christmas and I do the same old round of farewells, end-of-year meetings and "parties" again.  Most of the parties are really an end-of-year meeting but with food. Once again when the party is "bring a friend/partner " I wish I had a friend to bring.  Maybe next year I will line up some other widows to bring along and keep them guessing :) .

You sound very confident in who you are.

I find my confidence comes and goes. Some of the people I encounter take away that confidence but on the whole I feel I am okay with that. I don't always express what I féel as well as I'd like to but feel as if I am someone in my own right now, not just Ray's widow After five years I know a lot of people who never really knew Ray.

Got some adverse criticism from a new "friend" who said I was a "doormat" and no wonder I had not found a new partner because "no one !likes that sort of thing these days". Really cut me so perhaps there is some truth in it or was it just the case of being hurt once too often? Another blow to my confidence.

Not sure of the context of that statement but it sounds a little mean to me. At minimum, it would seem to be unkind. Would you say something like that to someone else? Maybe that is why you find it to be so hurtful. There are some people that will offer their opinions up without considering the feelings of the other person, if this woman is like that, then it's up to you to decide how much exposure you wish to have.

I agree with Callie. Someone who says things like that is not a "friend."

As someone who is over four years into this journey now (hard for me to believe, but true), I thought I would share the conversation I have with myself repeatedly.  I have moved to a new home, I have made many new friends, and I am really quite happy with my life.  I just held a Christmas potluck and everyone had a good time.  I am surrounded by smart, interesting women who I see often and they always leave me feeling energized.  So I ask myself sometimes, "What would a man add to my life?  What would having someone give me that I don't have now?"  And here's how it goes:

"Well, it would be nice to have someone to go to the movies with."

"You enjoy going alone, and you have friends to go with.  And you didn't like the same kind of movies he did anyway."

"Well, it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner with."

"You go to dinner with your friends 2-3 times a week and you always have a good time.  So it's not like you never go out. to dinner."

"Well, it would be nice to have someone sitting on the couch, who's there when I wake up in the morning."

"But you LIKE your alone time.  Are you unhappy when you wake up?"


"So what are you missing?  Sex?"

"No, that ship sailed a long time ago."

"OK, so WHAT is it that  you're missing?  Someone to change the light bulbs?  To help wrangle that cat into the carrier?  You always did all the house stuff, hired the contractors, called the plumber, anyway."

"Well yeah, it would be nice to have someone RIGHT THERE."

"Someone?  Who?"

And then I realize that no matter who I met, that person would never "get me" the way my husband did.  That at 62 it is unlikely that I could ever build that bond with someone else.  That I don't want to deal with dating and the games and the phony stuff and the being judged and being found too fat, too short, too old, too weird, not pretty enough, or have to deal with the sex thing and trust issues and everything else.  And it comes out that the only one I want is the one I had (WITH all his faults) and since I can't have him, I just need to keep remembering that my life is fine as it is.  It's different from what it was, but it's fine.


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