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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I am not a kid anymore I am 66.   The last time I dated was 45 years ago.  I am not sure that I want to date yet but am thinking maybe in the next year or so.

In the meantime I need a lot of help in HOW to date at my age. In the '60s as a late teen and in my early 20s I met most of those I dated at dances, I went on Friday and Saturday night around a country dance circuit.  Now if I meet men it is mainly as part of a couple and not as singles.

I don't want to go into online dating or go to a meet up I am not ready for that. But I would like to find someone to go to the movies etc with. 

Tell me your own experiences or where did you find that someone special?

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I think we have to realize that many people who join this website are in transition.    Their spouse passes, they need support and they come here for 6 months or a year, sometimes more sometimes less.   I have several widowed friends who used to come on here but have found new lives and relationships.    They have a new boyfriend or girlfriend, remarry or find a new life in a new location.   After a while, they feel they don't need this anymore and stop coming on.     It's just a fact of life.    There are a handful of us who stay on here long term, but the rest are just here for a while and I'm OK with that.     I think that was my friend.   She wont be back.   That's the last I'm going to talk about this.   

I've been out of town at a retreat and did not have time to monitor Widowed Village daily. I'm disappointed to learn there was an issue in this discussion - and that some have seemed to enjoy poking at it. I haven't yet had the time to read through all posts but will be deleting those that are deemed offensive or just not needed ... or perhaps I will find it necessary to delete this whole latest discussion.

This is a DISCUSSION thread within a site that is dedicated to allowing members to share their stories and receive validation and support... not a place to give lectures. I am concerned about the new members who join us looking for support and how they would react to what has been posted here these past few days. We have new people joining us daily ... at all sorts of different stages of grief who may be interested in a discussion about dating at 60+. Judgment is not necessary nor is it tolerated. I will be sending personal messages to some of you once I have an opportunity to read through everything.  

AND today Widowed Village was spotlighted on the Soaring Spirits Facebook page, so that means new people will be taking a look at us to see if we provide the type of support they need.  This latest thread certainly does not show the best side of the Village and what this group has given to thousands of widowed people in the past.

Thanks- I'm glad you're on it!  I've found many of the discussions on dating at this age useful and insightful and look forward to more of the same.

Sorry this disagreement happened. We all come from different views of life, the common factors are widowhood, loneliness, grieving and recovery and those are the things we can best discuss. Thanks for being the voice of reason, we all need to concentrate on being supportive instead of being judgemental. Thanks to all who make positive contributions to our discussions.

Truly, all I regret is it was responded to, it was not immediately stopped and the obvious difference(s) of widowhood were not recognized or taken into consideration. The difference in perspectives between those widowed by natural causes/SADS and those widowed by an external force(s) explains the how & why.
Murder is an external force as well as violent. These widow/ers like myself know what a violation is - it can be felt in their soul & they learned to appropriately recognize them. No is ever certain of what another person is capable of till they have been thrust into the unimaginable world of criminal court. Their perspective, grief issues & circumstances are different from the majority of members in this village. If the killer was caught, the grieving widow/er suffers through numerous court hearings (generally, for a number of years) listening to brazen lies about their dead spouse including witnesses & other victims if they exist as well as sugarcoated lies from the killer's attorney to justify and rationalize their client's offense(s) & behavior. An enabling blindsighted bleeding heart juror can stand in the way of justice even when hard evidence proves a killer's guilt. It is one major reason criminals are given light sentences or completely escape justice to go on to commit more. We have been forced to learn how to cope & overcome major offenses, minor violations & our own sensitivities to be able to live peacefully. Many have suffered one or more emotional breakdowns that required hospitalization. Our experience has imbedded a sense of warning to recognize many types of violations such a boundary being crossed to a major offense in the same or similar way as rape victims, hostage victims, natural disaster victims, accident victims, etc. The ill thought out responses sent shivers down my spine - some were just nauseating to think about. Neither are from PTSD - normal people have these reactions when feeling unsafe whether its about themself or when feeling empathy & compassion for others.
In the state's case for the people using my husband as the victim, evidence was also suppressed (covered up) in the fact that he had been released from probation in another city a week prior to killing my husband for the same offensive violation that killed Bob - roadrage driving.
Perhaps, it best for all to be consciously aware of who is in the village - getting to know who they are talking to by learning cause of death to understand where they are coming from ...
It is said the reward(s) the widowed gains at the end of the grief journey is a new perspective - from awareness & good reasoning skills. The caveat is in order to achieve it - it has to be chosen, continually learned, worked on & developed during grief. Sadly, I have met as well as personally know of widow/ers that have not met the end grief 20-30 years out or developed a new self or earned peace & harmony ...
I hope this helps in learning about who is also in this village - the silent widow/ers with complicated grief & those who have suffered from it ...

I have got a lot out of this discussion and it's been a good "thermometer" of how I am changing. I really wanted someone else in my life those first couple of years. I tried online dating and well, never experienced the dating part but totally did the online! I got discouraged with that even though folks near to me said keep trying. My SIL being one. Somehow that worked for my brother and her. He was a widower and she divorced but her ex had died. Another friend was lucky as well and they are due to get married in the next year or so.

I do promise myself never to close a door so I "might" be open to trying it again in the future.

I find myself doing pretty well on my own. I'm looking forward to retirement in less than 2 years.

That is not to say there are lonely moments because there are.

So thank you all for your insights and experiences. And only1sue thanks for beginning this. Your contributions are always positive and helpful!

Had another encounter with the older gentleman who kept asking me for a date three years ago. He does it when he has been drinking steadily. I always try to be polite and civil, thank him with a  smile and plead the busyness of life but it gets close to being embarrassing. He has been keeping company with a woman friend closer to his age (he is 15 years older than me) so maybe that t is not all he wants it to be. Tonight I was sitting at a table for four so I did have two witnesses and one of the men took me aside and asked if I was okay. We are all members of an organisation so I try not to be unfriendly but will in future try to keep out of his way.

Ummm.... yeah, a guy who expresses interest in me only when he's had a lot of alcohol would be a huge deal-breaker.  My first husband was an alcoholic.  Never going through that again.

A private conversation with him might be in order with a response closer to the truth: "I'm not interested in a dating relationship with you.  Don't ask me again because I've already said No several times."  I think it's generally true that women raised in the 40s and 50s were socialized to be nice, to be non-confrontational, to be people-pleasers.  It's been true for me all my life and it still, on occasion, keeps me from calling people on bad behavior.    

If ever this man asks again for a date - do be upfront in telling him you are not interested period. Firmness puts them off. If it becomes a back & forth in asking for a date, do not engage him - keep saying, "no, thank you" period. The more you engage him, the more information you are likely to give about yourself in learning how to pressure you to succumb - they are cunning. People don't drink excessively to gain courage, they do it b/c of alcoholism.
Regardless, of obvious dysfunction - all people look for certain personality traits in those they can feel comfortable with ...
In my work w/alcoholics & addicts, I learned they gravitate to nice people, apologists, the submissive, the exceedingly tolerant, the vulnerable to deflect themself & others from working on their main problem & all issues associated w/it. They look for particular behaviors in others that suit their needs - be the one he has misread. Many clients I had to say your radar is off to let them know it was not going to work on me no matter how often they tried.
They are also attracted to overbearing people. Those w/blatant obnoxious personality traits provide them w/excuses for their drinking &/or drugging - they are never attracted to strong confident people. Their need is to have someone to hide behind, blame, manipulate, the proverbial "yank your chain" as well as take of them. Everyone can attract obvious & not so obvious dysfunctional people, however, some more than others & that is what needs to be watched for as a matter of self awareness & protection. Hopefully, this will be a one time incident ...

Last paragraph to read as "take care of them" ...

Dayum.  Did you know my ex-husband?  ;-)  Seriously- it all fits.  He took advantage of my people-pleasing, non-confrontational temperament and knew all the right buttons to push.  And yes, everything was my fault, including delays at airports.  I hope I never end up in a relationship like that again.   Correction:  I WILL never be in a relationship like that again.

You could always wind up w/another type of high maintenance guy like I did. Bob-O was a thrill seeker/adrenaline junkie. I was forever saying, "you're jumping out of what or jumping off of what". The man drove me crazy! He always had bruises or scratches & lots of scars. I still have the pins used to set his broken bones after a crash on his dirt bike & a bad landing snow skiing. I always wished it would stop before old age, it was killed before he was 50 - not how I thought it would end ...

He's buried near his favorite day trip ski resort ... :-)


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