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I am not a kid anymore I am 66.   The last time I dated was 45 years ago.  I am not sure that I want to date yet but am thinking maybe in the next year or so.

In the meantime I need a lot of help in HOW to date at my age. In the '60s as a late teen and in my early 20s I met most of those I dated at dances, I went on Friday and Saturday night around a country dance circuit.  Now if I meet men it is mainly as part of a couple and not as singles.

I don't want to go into online dating or go to a meet up I am not ready for that. But I would like to find someone to go to the movies etc with. 

Tell me your own experiences or where did you find that someone special?

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I do understand the generational thing having an impact on their comments - also being 'left behind' by friends and children. Guess it's an individual thing, however, since my MIL was 90 and my Mom nearly 87 when they passed. Volunteering, traveling, women's church groups seemed to help them keep active and social.

I spent 4+ years caring for my husband (he also had MM). I was honored to be able to care for him and believe it was my life's calling, but it was very, very heavy caregiving. We had 41 years together and I will admit that I do not want to have to do that again for someone I may only have had a year or two with. That sounds really awful to write it out, but it's how I feel. So that probably plays a part in how I feel about having a new relationship. That, and the whole dating, insecurity, self-doubt issues, just don't make it worth the effort for me. I would rather put my efforts into finding other things to occupy my time, that bring me joy. I'm still working so that takes up time for the next year or so until I retire and I'm taking some online classes that I'm enjoying and have brought me new 'online' friends. Keep yourself open to opportunities to try some new things. 

We have a Camp Widow coming to Toronto in September. Might you be able to attend? I'd love to meet you and I can assure you that you'll take away some wonderful insight and positive feelings from it. I'm always looking for volunteers to help with Camp, too!   http://www.campwidow.org/

I plan to attend in September even though I have not registered as yet. I will call to get more info on what it is all about.

My roses

Jen I have put an answer to your chat room on your page. I cannot use the chat room.. but  hope you ge my message

You could friend me and then we can talk by email.

 

I went to a convention as part of my recent vacation.  A friend asked me to come and sit with her and her husband and then added a man to the table.  I chatted to him for a couple of hours and he seemed very nice.  I excused myself to go to another table and he started following me around.  He was hard to shake. Although he looked much younger it turned out he was 83! When I told my friend she said she had thought he was in his 70's.  Sigh.

Why couldn't there have been a nice man closer to my own age? All the ones who are my age seem to be missing.  Plenty of the over '80's around though.

I think we should just take nice conversation where it comes.  I am just about to turn 60 and recently was chatted up at the airport by a widower who was 80 if he was a day.  We had a lovely conversation about Victrolas and 1920s jazz and when the time came to board I wished him a safe trip.  I think it's useful to just get whatever practice we can conversing with people just for conversation's sake.  

I don't even know how to start this.  Glad I found this conversation.  You will think I am crazy, but this actually happened to me. 

The evening of the day my husband passed, Feb.3,2014, a friend called as soon as he heard.  He is a friend from the church I/we attend.  We were talking and I mentioned that Pat and I always wanted to go to Israel, but we were never able to do that.  He said to me, "I'll marry you and take you to Israel."  Of course I got very upset and he said he was joking.  We are still friends and I did tell him how that made me feel.  He did apologize. 

Sometimes my friends say things like, You'll get married again or I don't think you'll be single long.  I know they don't mean any harm, but ewwwww!!!  I am not ready to even consider moving in that direction.  We got married in 1976 when I was 20 and he was 25.  Wouldn't even know where to begin.  Didn't do the dating thing back then. 

It feels like they're trying to push me into a relationship.  I love them dearly and they are such good support for me, but how can I stop such talk without hurting them.

Thanks for letting me vent. 

People just don't get it. You cannot even be mad at them because they just don't understand. I too am not accustomed to dating. I was married in 1978 and we did not do much dating. We met in school and that was our dating experience. I do not know how to act around men who are interested in me. I went to a party one night and someone both my husband and I knew danced with me a few times. I became so uncomfortable that I left the party suddenly. The next day my girlfriend said that the guy is really not interested in me, he just wanted someone to dance with. How can I stop myself from making a fool of myself in this strange world in which I have been thrust? I can see that I am bungling through life now. I went to Singapore on vacation and the taxi driver said that he wants to marry me. I was so pissed off, my friends husband told him that I was not looking for any trouble. GAWD I want my husband back.

Man, do I KNOW what you're saying, Jen and Shirah. Some people are complete idiots...and sometimes I am too. I also feel uncomfortable around some men and would much rather run than even attempt to gracefully wiggle out of those situations. And you can see 'the look' can't you? I was talking to three men, at the same time, about selling my husband's boat (oh, how I hate this). Their eyes lit up...LIT UP...when my friend told them Rick had passed. And this was only about 5 months after. I just don't get it. What the crap are they thinking?

I guess that's why I stay home, or at least it is one of the reasons. I'm safe here. I have to figure out a new road map...a map that starts here, in my safe zone. I do go out a little, but with people I know. The ones I feel safe with. I need it right now. Friday will be 8 mos. I'm not ready to deal with that garbage. I have to deal with the dump I already have.

And since I don't have my Rick, the only one I want but cannot have...my choices are REALLY limited.

There should be a course that we can take to teach us how to deal with attention. While we are taking care of our dying husbands and trying to manage everything at the same time, no thoughts ever entered our minds that we would now have to deal with this. My son said not to be surprised that men we know would be interested in us. He said that they probably observed or gathered that we were good wives and that alone would make them interested apparently since a lot of people have been lonely for a long time. We are new at this. Others are not and they know the singles scene. I feel weird including myself as part of the singles scene.

I am right there with you Jen and Hornet.  I'm not even 4 months out.  I love my friends, but that kind of talk just puts me off.  I want my Pat.  I don't even know how to be now. Let alone what my future is.  I won't say I wouldn't date or get married again(my husband told me to find happiness, I told him not to give me away), but Pat would be a hard act to follow.  Special, special, special!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I was so blessed to have him.  We used to talk about dumb things like this when they happened....and now he's not here to talk to.  I pray we will all find peace and the answers to this and other things we must now deal with.  Shalom

An interesting read in all this. I didn't think I'd ever want anyone but my husband. Wed been together for 28 yrs and spent virtually all our time together. He has been gone almost a year. But I am LONELY! I went on an amazing trip with my brother and SIL on a river cruise in Europe. I met a very nice man traveling with his father. We all hung out a lot and I found myself developing a silly schoolgirl crush on the son. He was close to my age (67) and divorced. Yes his Dad was close to 90. He had a lot of things I would look for in a man; educated, intelligent, nice looking worldly and very decent and we shared some common interests. But it was not meant to be. Lived across country and for all I know had an involvement with someone. There was no mention of keeping in touch. "Ships passing in the night." But it did tell me that I am open to a relationship. In fact I may be too venerable to it, as I really liked this man. It helped me with some emotional issues I was having with my grief from my husband dying. It helped me not feel guilty about some things and I felt no guilt in how I was feeling about this man. But now I'm home and reality has set in again. Lonely life and dread of being alone for another 15 yrs give or take. That thought above all is terrifying. I wish I could find a way to be happy alone, but it just isn't me. I need to be part of a couple to be happy. So I may force myself to be out there. Unfortunately the first man to interest me was top notch and unavailable. This may be the story of my life. The feelings were thrilling while they lasted. I hadn't felt this way in a long long time. So different than a long term marriage where there were issues and the "fire" had dimmed some. I'd love to feel that again someday, but probably won't happen again.

Oh Maggie,

I hear you. we may never have it again. I am 58 and feel the same way. I have not been out yet but I somehow feel that there is no one else out there that is right for me and ready for me. It is much different from younger days.

Jen. 

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