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 I was standing at the sink washing off my dinner plate and all the sudden just thinking what in the world am I doing now?  In a general sense not why am I washing this dish. Still thinking I can’t believe he’s gone. I bet all of you out there thinking that same thing. Nothing really matters. I feel like anything that we do just doesn’t matter.  This world is mean and makes no sense. Struggling to know who my family is and what we are going to do now. Guess its too early to know.  (8 weeks;  not that stating the number of weeks out matters my eight weeks could be someone else’s two weeks or someone else’s three years ).    

I want to do something that will honor my husband and something that he would be proud of. Maybe even change jobs. Something that would help educate others so they don’t have to go through what we are going through. Like Demand CT or MRI when body different in any way. Have the doctor go step by step on every risk and how severe they are before starting any new medication and find out how much they are billing to insurance and if it’s an ungodly amount or they don’t know then don’t take the medication or go somewhere else  or have them find out for you . Don't take meds like Stelera.  Also if you’re at a medical facility and you have any kind of complaint or not happy with what is going on report it and report it to State so that the facility can be investigated .  At least it’s a start . Like how I snuck all that in there? Had to rant evidently. 

Whats your emotional grieving roller coaster look like today? I hate this ride and never asked to get on it. So up and down and down and down and sideways and ....   MISSING HIM SO MUCH.   My mind still plays the would and should haves over and over and over. I try not to but it’s difficult. Then my mind panics a bit and says “ I cant do this , I don't want to do this life, how am I going to do all this”. Ya ya ya I know the whole “one step at a time” comment. I dont want one step at a time I dont want any of this.  My husband would’ve said  “sometimes we have to do things we don’t want too”.  He nailed that one right on the head .    He also said “how you treat yourself and how you treat others makes up who you are”   Gotta work on that one . 

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I faced this also. I loved my Frank so much and did so much for him, I loved taking care of him. After he passed, I thought to myself, "What am I going to do with all this love I have, and no one to give it to?" So I decided to send it out into the world. I started volunteering with a social service organization and helping people. It has really saved my life and given me a reason to keep living.

It is a horrible roller coaster ride. I am still trying to figure out what to do. We had just retired so I don't have a job to keep me busy. I have accepted a long term substitute teaching job that will last until Christmas. I needed something to give my life purpose. It has been too easy to wallow in the bad days. 

I am 14 months out and I feel the same.  I want to rage at the world that this is not the life I signed up for.  This was not the plan.  I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!  My husband would say the same about doing what I didn't want to do.  He would say just do it and get it over with so you can go back to doing the things you do want to do.  Oh, how I wish I could do that now.  I have lost just about all motivation to do anything.  I feel lost and have no clue what I am doing.


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