I have suddenly realized my grief "receptors" are shifting. What once gave me comfort is now causing tremendous physical grief symptoms. I find it odd and disconcerting. I quit my job today, I have no business quitting my job. Seriously. However, everyone there knows Jerry, everyone there has an opinion of how I should be behaving (I should apparently be over it by now.) It's where I met Jerry and got to know what a wonderful, gregarious personality he had. It is where I fell in love with Jerry with half the (small) town watching to see how it would play out. Well, we fooled them all.
Anyway, the point is I have gradually and unintendedly distanced myself from all things Jerry and me. With the exception of my stepfamily. Can't live without them. I want nothing to do with "our" friends or old life in any way. I even daydream about moving far away and being just another anonymous person in the city,
I'm not sure what all of this is about, but being here, where everyone knows my name, everyone knew Jerry is suddenly overwhelming. My skin feels as if it's crawling, my stomach is in knots, and my eyes want to leak, each time I am out and about here in my town or just anywhere that Jerry and I were known as a couple.
For you seasoned widows..... What the heck gives?
Some of the things I've learned through this unfortunate journey is that everyone grieves in different ways, because all our situations are distinctly and uniquely different. There is no instruction manual on how to deal with it. Some folks think they are trying to help when they tell us "get over it already" but when they tell us how we are supposed to grieve they are doing more harm than good, even if they intentions are good. I'm guessing a lot of us here can attest that.
I won't even pretend to tell you what to do. I was told by counseling not to make any life changing decisions when we are still hurting, because if we make a bad decision based on emotion and hurt, we can make a bad situation even worse. I can only suggest is to follow your heart, listen to your mind, and keep getting after it.
I'm a year in, and I've had no shortage of people telling me what I should feel and what I should do. Right now, I don't know the hell what to do as far as the life changing decisions. Time will tell. Hang in there! :-)
Thank you, I know I'm not in this alone.....
It's so wonderful to have "friends" who fully get it and give validation.
Misty, all of life is a risk. Sometimes I think our bodies tell us things our brain just doesn't want to grasp. Maybe it is time for you to create a new life in a new place. I dunno -- can't answer that for you. As was stated here by someone else, listen to your heart.
When my husband died, he had been ill for many years and we were living in an assisted living community. It was exhausting, depressing, and so very sad. I kept hearing that one should not make a decision for one full year. BS, my brain said! Within a month I had bought a house in another city and moved. It needed lots of upgrading and repairs and was exactly the right thing for me to do. The newness of it all--fresh air, bright colors, every decision mine alone to make. I made many friends, got involved in different groups, and about three years later met the amazing man who I am still with today. My path is not right for many, but it was right for me. So again, listen to your heart and do not second guess it.
Since posting this a few hours ago, I happened upon an interesting thought in an article about self-reliance. It did not say who wrote it, so I can't give the person credit. Hopefully, it will help in your thinking.
Sometimes, you find yourself in the middle of nowhere; and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.
I LOVE LOVE your quote. I'm going to post it on my bathroom mirror! It's a wonderful way of saying, it's okay to be where you are!!!
barbee, thank you so much. Your story is an inspiration for a better future for us all. I hope you have many many more happy years!
Your feelings, emotions are exactly what they should be. It annoys me when others have a timeline of when we should be "Over" our grief. As if it's written somewhere when we will no longer feel grief over our soul mate. Our culture is ill-equipped to deal with loss. I can't count the number of people who while well intentioned say "I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone you love." Or... "I can't imagine what you are going through."
It's okay, normal, that your skin feels like its crawling, that your stomach is in knots and your eyes want to leak. It's okay that you want to run away. Those are normal feelings to a horrendous loss. You aren't crazy. You are trying to find the medium between gut-wrenching pain, and living life. That is the challenge! Going to work where you met Jerry, where you see his friends, is like going back to the scene of an accident. It makes sense that it would be torturous for you.
The best thing a person said to me when I was in agony was "I can't make it go away. I can't take away your pain. I know this sucks. But, I am with you when you cry, want to scream, yell. I am with you as you walk through hell."
It was refreshing to hear reality instead of well-intentioned quotations and euphemisms.
what a good friend! Treasure her/him!!
Thank you for understanding!
Man do I know how you feel. I have also shut myself away from people. I didn"t do it on purpose. I have lots of good days but I also think I'm putting it on the back burner so it sometimes sneaks up and overwhelms me. Just hang on baby!
I feel better just knowing, I'm not crazy after all!!!
I came on the forum today looking for, not sure exactly but sort of guidance, focus, inspiration even. And the first discussion I dropped onto was the one I was looking for - what about these shifting emotions?? However in finding this discussion I don't think I was looking for guidance, focus, etc. but perhaps a shoulder to cry on!! I am going through the same doubts, fears,despair at present when I thought that I was getting to grips with living without Helen for the past 20 months. I take great support from the replies given, but I think that we are all in this very leaky boat together bailing out water as quickly as we can to keep afloat. I think I will put off deciding to book that holiday until tomorrow, or perhaps the next day?
Hi Ray, I'm so glad you found some inspiration this morning! It's easy to forget we are normal. At least or me.