Firstly, I don't blame people at all. It is very very difficult to know what or how to grieve when we are going through it. It'll be the biggest mystery for third parties and even close family and friends who have yet to needed to grieve.
My wife passed away a day after giving birth to our daughter. I decided the best course of action for our daughter's wellbeing is to move back to my hometown where I have two older sisters both with young kids and I know can help me take care of our daughter. I moved into my parents house and my mom has been tremendous in helping taking care of our baby. But I noticed it the first night that I came back. We were married in my hometown a year and a half ago and we still had some of the items from the wedding left at my parents house. These included pictures and mementos. They were all removed before I arrived. I had a moment of flashing anger and sadness and panic in case they threw it away. Thankfully I found them stored in the garage. Grieving is not about helping someone forget. Far from it.
Could someone help me reframe something in my head?
I've been seeing many comments like "prayers for you and your family" as one of the standard things that people say. I say thank you but in my head I'm thinking "why are you praying for me when I am living? why would you not pray for our loved one that passed away?".
I realize that their intention is good and they are praying for us to grieve "better"? Help us be less sad?
Yes, grieving is painful but what happened isn't about my or our grieving at all. It's not about my family's grieving. It's about a loss of a beautiful life. Grieving and mourning are inevitable in life. It will happen to almost everyone. Why pray for something that is happening and will happen again in the future?
Maybe it's just me but I generally pray for things that I am completely blind to and can't control. I am praying to God that He embrace my wife, such a loving soul who was taken from this Earth so early and before she had a chance to get to know her own daughter. I am praying that God give her comfort and peace with what happened because I'm afraid due to how she passed, her soul left in anguish. I pray that she rest now, she did great in her short 36 years. She accomplished a lot but still had so many unfinished plans and dreams. I also pray for my newborn daughter, who will need to live without ever having met her own mother. All of these things are out of my control for me, so that is why I pray.
My wife's only sibling received a gift from where she worked. It was basically her coworkers signing "sorry for your loss, we're thinking of you". None of these people knew my wife, only thing they are trying to accomplish is to try to make my wife's sibling feel better. The gift didn't include a picture of our loved one or anything so it's not even trying to celebrate or memorialize my wife, to me it seemed like a big "get well" card for a mourner.
Maybe I'm already at the anger stage. I just don't think it is now about those who are mourning. It should be about the person we are mourning instead.
I would love someone to help me reframe this so that I understand. Thank you.
Loveboo, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. I will pray for HER....your posts were outstanding. I totally understand...my husband passed away suddenly - he wasn't sick or anything! I'm still trying to understand he is gone, as I am sure you are too.
I don't understand people sending "a big get well" card either - in fact, I wish they didn't even send it. They send the card and go about their lives....not even talking about our loved ones who passed away..I find that they also want to change the subject when I talk about my husband...Do you find that to be true too?
It would mean so much more to me if they had a picture of my husband or talked about him. I understand how you felt when you found all the pictures and momentos where gone - like they never existed. I would love to do something to remember my husband and preserve his legacy. I am so glad they didn't discard your momentos.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss, and I am here if you would like to pray or talk about her. I don't mean to be rude, and you don't have to answer me if you don't want to, but you said she died a day after your daughter was born? Was it from complications?
My husband, who was young, strong and not sick dropped over dead upstairs and I found him....
I am not very religious but I am spiritual and I DO believe your wife does have comfort and peace. I believe my husband does too.
God bless you,
Thank you Broken Diva. What I initially wanted to say was "Dennis sounds like a great man". Again, another standard message my mind automatically thought up to try to comfort the grieving, I feel like a hypocrite now so let me try to do this right, as a person that at least partially understands what grieving is.
I would love to know more about Dennis and your life with him if you are willing to share, maybe not in this thread but through profile comments or messages through this site. But also I understand it's been over five years since the wounds of your heart has been opened and so if sharing will not do anything but reopen those wounds, sharing is not necessary. All I know right now is how much you loved Dennis. How he has affected you. This wound we have on our heart or soul will turn into a scar. I wish had another word than "scar" but it is what it is. It's also a badge of love that we will be able to keep for as long as we live.
I have yet to talk to anyone about my wife other than with my sister and my wife's sister. I'm not bringing it up with others. Not sure why I'm not. Maybe it's because I understand they won't know what to say. I do agree with you that I will probably feel better if people, on their own, talked about my wife. Knowing that the lives she impacted will remember her for a long time could help. Like you said, to preserve her legacy. I couldn't agree more.
Yes, my wife passed away due to what the doctors said was a very rare complications after birth which could not have been screened for nor identified before it happened. She was the healthiest person I knew. All she drank was warm water. She hated coffee. She hated caffeine. She hated sugary drinks. (I drink a lot of coffee and sugary drinks.) What she enjoyed eating most were vegetables. She cared so much about her baby she started researching what she shouldn't eat and realized she didn't have to change her diet at all because what she enjoyed eating regularly was healthy for the baby. It's a bit of a shock to me that even in 2018 maternal death is still a frequent problem, I am ashamed to admit that I did not know this at all and only found out after researching.
Was anyone able to ever identify the cause for Dennis? I couldn't imagine what I would think if there was no rhyme or reason.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you Loveboo for saying that about Dennis. He was a great man. We both came from nothing....He did marginally in college but ended up becoming a CEO of a company. He always credited me for him becoming that too since I went on trips with clients and promoted him. He spoiled me and I spoiled him. He would take me to a different country every year for my birthday and I would take him to a different city to watch a baseball game every year - he loved baseball. I was the first in my family to finish college and ended up working for a Chairman of a large financial institution.
Dennis was kind, caring, generous and humble. When we traveled with his staff we would sit in coach - not first class - because he wanted to be part of the "team." (I used to get mad...LOL) In fact, when people asked him what he did for a living, he said, "I'm a Coach." He said that's all he does is coach people. He loved flowers too which was funny because he was such a manly man. Had something blooming all year at different times in our yard, in fact, people would stop and look at them. He would say, "If it doesn't bloom, dig it out!" LOL Would decorate at Christmas too. I used to call him Mr. Griswald. He loved to make people happy....Before church one time, a homeless man came up to us and Dennis had nothing smaller than a $20. I said, "Aw Dennis give it to him" and he did. Well, to Dennis' chagrin, after the service started, the homeless man walked up the aisle saying "Thank you Dennis, thank you Dennis." I'll never forget that.
In fact, one time when he was working in the yard - hooded sweatshirt all stained from dirt, and work clothes on he took a break to get me a Christmas present. I liked perfume and he went to the department store. He ended up charming the ladies in the perfume department.. One of his favorite sayings was when people told him to have a good day, he would say, "you have a better one!" Well, since he was dressed the way he was, I guess the ladies thought he was poor - so they ended up giving him free samples of everything! haha Great Christmas present that year!
My parents lived in a bad neighborhood - used to be nice but became bad over the years. They were robbed a few times. Dennis ended up buying a beautiful home for them and they would pay a small amount in rent each month. He subsidized the rest. (He did this even though my parents have three sons who never offered to help)
So many stories I could tell you about him. There aren't many people like him.
Perhaps we could friend each other on this site. I could let you know what he died from.
I find it amazing that you could "read" the fact of how much I loved him and how his death affected me...How did you do that?
I would also like to hear about your wife too....She sounds like she was such a caring person. Cute, how you said she just drank warm water, no caffeine and really tried to do and eat the right thing for your baby. I know you don't bring her up with other people much, but just to let you know, you can with me. It helps me to talk about Dennis and maybe it will help you too. I'll send you a friend request and maybe we can communicate through that on this site. Or, maybe you could send me one, because I'm still not sure how to do that!
Take care and God bless you and your wife,
A few months after my husband died, I ran into an acquaintance who said, "I'm so sorry to hear that Frank passed." I smiled and said thank you. (Lots of practice in gritting my teeth and saying thank you.) Then she smiled and said something along the lines of "But how exciting for you! Now you get to focus on just yourself and figure out who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life!"
I was speechless.
Nancy, WOW WOW
I'm left pretty much speechless too!
About 6 weeks after I lost my beloved wife of 34 years, a (male) co-worker said- "You are gonna have a hard time getting laid if you keep wearing that wedding band".
I glared at him, replied- "Thanks for the pointer". He mumbled- "um, sorry" and slunk away.
He's not an evil person, just a stupid schmuck making a ham-handed attempt at "guy humor".
That's actually the only idiotic thing anyone has said to me about my loss.