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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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Lupe's husband, had to look up 'rudderless', and, "aimlessly drifting" came up. Well thank you for the new word. And a new way of describing what this feels like; aimlessly drifting. I am 4 years, 9 months out, and all the while in between and throughout I get that rudderless feeling, its like I am not where I am supposed to be at. Sometimes what follows is an empty feeling. I try to fill in by doing things for others. Lately, its cooking, I like to explore new ways of cooking, then the time just flies by.

Lupe's Husband, I feel the same. Sometimes I look around and think am I in the same world.


Here is my favorite quote on the subject:

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living

Steve --- your quote is very good advice. It took me two years to get to the point where I could pray for the people who were not treating me right. The anger and hurt that they caused was with me 24/7. It was all I could think about. I don't know what it was that made me look at them in a different light --- maybe just time and me getting stronger? They could not help the way they felt anymore than I could. Will I ever forget those times -- no. Can I forgive them --- I have to. If having peace means limiting or cutting off contact with these people, then so be it. It doesn't mean I don't care about them. It means I am taking care of myself. We all deserve that. Guess I am "getting back up". Peace to all today.

You will get there. You have to do the work for you and only you. I don't know why people like to kick us when we are broken. But they do. Keep talking about it. I have a friend who promised me he would talk to me and never leave me. Amazing friend we talked for hours on hours.It was not easy. If you ever want to just talk to someone I will be happy to listen. I want to give back to others what was stolen from me from the moment my husband took his last breath. Its been two years. A raw, heartbreaking two years. A growing up and realizing the world can be cold and grueling. I promised myself I will  let this pain and lessons learned be a resource for others. All of us have something to offer. We need to know that we are of value. My husband was my validation, no matter what others say. Its ok to be angry, its ok to cry. Most of all my love and prayers are with you. I am sorry for your loss.  

Thank you for your post. I tried to do what I know my faith tells me to do. I had mil living with me for 10 months, every time she looked at me 


could see the hate. This is the woman who told everyone that I neglected my husband and because of the neglect he died. I am starting to heal.  although our anniversary is coming up October 1 and feeling sad right now. My daughter said tonight that our house feels like a home again. I also realized my husband had no support from his family. His mother brought our grandson over, with a nasty cold and a fever. I can't help to think it was there stupidity being here, he had cancer and was going through chemo. After 2 years of finger pointing that it was my fault. I realize that its their inadequacies to not pull together as a family and to  bring sickness in our home. My point in sharing this.. If people are negative or hurting you, please remove them from your lives. You, we are all valued by God. My pain is raw at the moment but I am moving forward in life. By the grace of God. We are all survivors, I have two choices. One is not inflict any pain on any body. Or.. Two Be angry, to me it puts the people that mindlessly hurt us in that catagory  I choose love.. I also choose to not be with any body who  has hurt me including my son. That was just another thing that mil did to me. Divide and conquer. She enjoyed inflicting pain on me.. Her loss, their loss. I just know I am healthier without hate in my life.. Love to all.. Thank you for giving me a safe place to get my feelings out. 

My husband passed away less than a month ago and someone told me that, "oh well, you're young. You will find someone else." This was so disrespectful and insensitive that I just had to walk away.  

People will say stupid things because they want to make THEMSELVES more comfortable. Two years in and I've heard them all. Most don't intend to be mean. My oldest friend said this to me two weeks after my husband died. Consider it ignorance and move on. This journey is hard enough without dwelling on the stupid things said by casual acquaintances.

I am so sorry for your recent loss. What a stinky, stupid thing to say.  No widow wants to hear that.  Walking away is a good response. Keep your head up.

I haven't been to my community aerobics classes in about 2years, but I had made sum friends while I was there for a few years. Well what I thought were friends. I stopped going to classes because I had pulled ligaments in my thigh, needed to recover from, and haven't gone back to class. But the ladies there are regulars and know of the loss of my husband in 2011.

So, one day recently I was out grocery shopping, and I ran into one of the ladies from aerobics. At first she pretended not to see me, until I greeted her. I think she was trying to avoid me. Then she stopped to talk to me, asking why haven't I gone back to class, they miss me, all that nice stuff. Then when I asked how she was doing, she started talking about her husband, how he doesn't give her a minute to herself now that she too is retired and she kept going on and on, laughingly about her husband, how now that they're both retired they get to go on these trips.  At first I was shocked, but I told myself, come on you can handle this uncomfortable encounter, I told her that I was happy for her and I tried to change the subject, but she kept going back to same. I finally had to pull myself away claiming I had to go checkout.  I felt betrayed somehow by her, I thought to myself, I thought she was my friend. Now, am I being over-sensitive? Was she being insensitive towards my loss of husband and the retired life we didn't get to share? With her boasting about hers. Oh my goodness!! Come to think of it, she never asked how I was doing from my loss.

Of course she would not ask how you are doing from your loss, because it was four years ago, which in "rest of the world" time is a long time and people expect you to be "over it" after four years. I am not saying you should not still feel the loss. But it is not reasonable to expect the world to treat us like open wounds forever. And frankly, we should not WANT to be open wounds forever. You know what they call a wound that never heals? Cancer. The wound of loss of a spouse leaves a nasty scar, but heal it must or we might as we'll be dead ourselves. Her lack of interest in you is indicative of a lack of interest and nothing more.

There are different kinds of friends. You do not indicate if these women were with you when you lost your husband or asked about you or visited you when you were injured. If not, then they are no more than situational acquaintances and no more should be expected from them.

Just my $0.02.
She sounds like she's "not playing with a full deck.." Or maybe she's rather stupid or has short term memory loss and forgets ... Or maybe she's just an A$$ -
Seriously I don't blame you for feeling perturbed. Even people I don't know very well acknowledged my loss of my husband.

I've had people say stupid things but that woman is in a category of her own! ((((Hugs))))


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