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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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yes, I have gotten that too, the "you were lucky to have that so many years" .  It doesn't help.

I love the math contest remark Mary H!

Just a couple of days after my husband passed, one of the porters in my building asked if I had any clothing that I was getting rid of because he comes from a poor family and he could either use or sell them.  I put together a couple of shopping bags with some of my husband's items and also some of mine and gave them to him a day or so later.  It felt as if my husband and I were giving to someone in need together that way.  The same porter commented that I was young and would find someone soon and start again and that everything would be alright.  I didn't say much of anything because I realized he simply did not get it.  Lots of people have good intentions but simply don't get it.  

I've also heard, "It's God's plan and he has something else in store for you," and other comments along those lines.  What I learned from those and many other comments, is what "not" to say to someone who has lost a spouse, partner or loved one.  While I can understand the temptation, I don't wish them anything bad and, should they ever find themselves in similar circumstances, I would not make the same comment(s) to them.  I also would not offer help but simply give it if I was able to.  

Yes, if I learned anything it is definitely how to treat a grieving person and it is mostly about what NOT to say.

There is a widowed woman named Kelly Lynn who has created a monologue about these types of mostly well intentioned, but hurtful comments.   She calls it "My Husband is Not a Rainbow."   There might be a link to a video somewhere on this website, or it might be on You Tube somewhere.   I will try to search it out.    She does it at all three Camp Widows, always on Saturday afternoon.   I recommend you see it.   It will be the best laugh you will have had in months, if not years.   

I think I have said this before somewhere here, but at the hospital, even before my wife was put into hospice, someone said, "Someday you will want female companionship again."   I seriously wanted to strangle that person with one of my wife's IVs.  And yes, four years out, even though I date occasionally, no I haven't found "female companionship."   Maybe some day.      Remember, I'm fairly young and I will find someone else.    :-)

Yes, i watched the video. I guess it is titled "when you truly love someone there is no such thing called moving on" 

My aunt told me that whatever bad had to happen, happened,forget him and now start your life. A woman whose husband was away to work for 2 months told me that she knows exactly how i feel.

My relatives keep telling me that i am lucky that i didnt have baby with him.

P. S the last one being the most insensitive

Forget him and start your life?!?! I am so sorry you had to hear that.

Such morons do exist.. I feel so violent inside even hearing their voices

Me too! But when I try to express that to anyone who doesn't "get it" I get scolded for being irrational or I'm taking it too far and then I'm more angry.

That is totally insensitive. Until someone lives the same reality of your loss, they can never understand. I recently had a birthday and I felt just awful that day. Many posted well wishes to me on facebook, so I felt the need to respond, but waited until the next day. I gave my appreciation for all the wonderful posts and also noted that it was a particularly difficult day for me, but I was now on the mend. Well, one of my "friends" posted how long it took her father to recover from the loss of her mother and that the expected time lines of grief were from 3 to 5 years, with exclamation marks emphasizing this protracted time line. Then she proceeded to tell me to take it one day at a time. I really, really took offense to this on many fronts. First, she has never herself lost a spouse so she has no point of reference. Second, why would she attach a time frame to grief, which she probably pulled off the internet. To inform me that I have a looooong way to go? Was that supposed to make me feel better? Lastly, don't tell me to take it one day at a time. I've been there and have been living one day at a time. There is pretty much no other choice. Thanks for letting me rant : )

I find that absolutely no one can say the right thing and comfort me.  I wish I could somehow telepathically tell people to not give advice, don't ask how I am doing.  Just tell me you are thinking of me and hoping I had a good day or something like that.  I hate the "how are you doing" because if I say something vague they always think you are doing great!  Yet if I say anything other than "I'm hanging in there" and express my true feelings I know that is not something someone wants to hear and they almost look at you like they are thinking "why are you telling me this?" or "I regret asking."   It sucks!  I'm glad I can also rant - feels liberating!!!

My stock answer to "How are you?" was always "Compared to what?"


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