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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.

 

I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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Some people are just jerks. Even some ex-wives grieve after their ex-husband dies. There have been instances when requests have been made at funeral homes for a separate viewing by past spouses and other unknown relationships. I read this somewhere.

I have a former sister-in law who still rags on about my brother and mistreatment after being divorced for twenty-five years.

But the minute I mention being widowed, I see the discomfort in the other person I'm talking to. I tend to not speak about being a widow around certain people especially divorced folks and some single people. What these people fail to realize is that widowed people didn't have a choice in matter.

 

Here are two things I learned during the "stupid things people say" phase:

1)  They really mean well.

2)  What people say is about THEIR comfort, not yours.  Your friends want to stop worrying about you as quickly as possible.

My closest friend said to me two weeks after my husband died, "I know you'll find someone else,  you're such an awesome person."  She meant well, but it's not like you go down to the kennels at the Husband Shelter and pick out a new one -- maybe the one who wags his tail at you and looks at you with sad eyes.  

The truth is that there ARE no words.  And NO ONE gets it unless and until they've been there.  I was very hard on my own mother when her husband died -- and here I am.  Karma's a bitch and all that.  

I have found that "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do" is my mantra when people say dumb things.  To do otherwise is where madness lies.

Wow! I love the one about the Husband Shelter. Don't these people know that it takes years to establish a relationship? Getting to know the man and learning his likes and dislikes, and so on. This isn't touching the tip of the iceberg. 

So I guess we are supposed to go out and pick out a stray from the Husband Shelter. If anyone  knew about my choice of man before I met my husband, I would probably end up with some stray that strays. This will happen if I don't take enough time to grieve properly and then I decide to go husband shopping.

I had the same thing said to me. Go find another man. I will be turning 61!

I'm 65, Peach, and I'm on Match.com! I laughed out loud at Bergen's description of the Husband Shelter, though.  It's not that easy.  I'm plowing through a lot of guys whose interests seem to be limited to riding Harleys, fishing and pro sports games.  Not that there's anything wrong with any of that but they don't interest me at all.  Oh, yeah- one guy likes horseshoes.  Be still, my heart.

Bergen is right, though- much of what people say is meant to make THEM feel better.   

Oh, don't mention those sites! My cousin and I didn't pay, but the mutts I saw on that page. Need I say more. I gained weight, but it is not too noticeable. I can lose it, but it for be for my health and not trying to attract a mutt.

This is absolutely true-I had a "Friend" say to me a month after my second wife died of cancer-"David, after losing two wives to cancer, going through it twice, no one would blame you if you offed yourself"

Not a helpful comment. He is no longer my friend

What?!  I'm so grateful you added that last sentence, soulmate. What a horrible thing for a "friend" to say to you.

Folks, we have a winner.  Soulmate, that is by far the worst thing that I have ever read someone hear from anyone on this site.  How awful.  I'm so sorry someone you were close to did that to you.

Agreed, NoLongerinBergenJC!  That comment was so thoughtless, it was downright irresponsible. I can only hope he regrets it, and soulmate, I'm glad you're out of contact with that horrible jerk.  

Thank you. I think he was drunk when he said it. No excuse. I haven't spoken to him since

Yeap, people can be cruel. My brother told me that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I haven't talked with him since.

There are worse things than being alone! We certainly didn’t chose to be alone but it does have some benefits at the same time. I would much rather live in peace then with someone whose personality did not mesh with mine. Some things are meant to be and if it is, you’ll meet the right person. You can still date and enjoy life and do things you want to do!  I do believe there are many decent guys out there. How many sign-up for online dating, hard to say. Early on, I thought of the possibility of dating but as time passed, I changed my mind. We can be OK either way!

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