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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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Sometimes people feel the need to measure or compare which I think is ridiculous. Situations may be different but the end result is loss and grief, the same for us all. I truly believe that getting out with friends is a positive thing if you are up to it. Distractions can be helpful when dealing with grief. There are some people who find comfort being around others and those who prefer solitude, especially early on. We each need to decide what works best for us or what we feel comfortable doing. On a good day we may appreciate being around others and on a bad one, we may need to bow out. I think it's more important to try and support one another than to make comparisons as to whose situation is sadder--it's all heartbreaking.

Well-said Callie.  I'm more than 3 years along in my journey and I've learned that many people don't know what to say.  As a result, some say the wrong things.  My own mom started comparing my loss to my brother's loss (he died nearly 3 decades ago) and, in the beginning, started talking about what she went through and her depression.  At one point I was sobbing and asked her to please stop.  I told her that I would never dare compare the loss of a child or any loss to mine.  I explained that it was not a contest and that both circumstances were terrible but that I simply could not grieve for my husband and relive the experience of my only brother's death because I was at the breaking point and I simply could not handle it.  She said other inappropriate things, which I've mentioned in the past and choose to leave there.  She simply did not know how to "fix" her grieving daughter and I helped her understand that this was not something she could "fix" but something that I had to work through myself.

You also hit the nail on the head about how people handle grief differently and how some prefer solitude while others prefer to be with other people.  There were (sometimes still are) days when I didn't want to be around anyone or speak with anyone.  Other times, I am fine being with friends/family.  It depends on the mood/day/moment. 

when things get difficult then you see the true side of people.

I agree 100%

Yes that is just so yuk.  And the creeps who will call after midnight thinking that making these offerings is appropriate.  The life long friends.. fortunately one can block them on your cell phone.    I changed my number and I moved.  I only gave my new address to people once they were on their way.  Then I moved again to a temporary location.   Hearing comments like, " hey you've still got it in you" huh?  You're right.   I don't know how these weirdos are wired.

I know this is an older post, but soon after Gil died, his sister called a few days later and asked what happened to all of his money. I was like what money? With him being ill and not being able to work, the proceeds that he got from selling the family home went into bills. Little did I know that this sister and his son's mother were still in touch with each other. Three months later, I got a call from his son's mother asking did Gil die a dog? I was like huh? Then she proceeded to tell me that how good friends they were and that he had loaned her his car when we were married and that nothing happened between the two of them. I was again like huh? My husband was a very generous man. Little did she know that he loaned that same car to his male friend while his car was in the shop. My niece got her car repossessed, and he offered to let her use the car. It was basically his nature to want to help people out. 

I'm just thankful, that I no longer have to deal with his side of the family. My family wasn't much better.


I don't know what it is about family but what I have learned on here is most of them will stab you in the back given a chance. 

I'm remarried now and I have seen through the smoke screen of my new in-laws.

Families I have come to the realization are like drinking buddies.   They will be your friend as long as the alcohol is flowing  !  Not the best outlook I know but that's where I'm at on this now. 

Hi Doug,

So very true. Some families are like drinking buddies. As long as there is a flow of money and plenty of liquor, lies and good times, everything is honky dory with these in-laws. After death, it was like I was completely excommunicated from the family. Gil didn't have much contact with them anyway, and if he did, he never told me about it. I'm looking forward to  the day when I can put all of this into perspective and start feeling normal again. I just chalk it up to the fact that if he didn't bother to tell me certain things, it was for my own good. These XXXXs had no reason saying anything to me except to offer condolences. However, things don't always work out the way we want them to. Thank goodness things are calming down for me in certain areas.

Well this isn't the WORSE thing I've heard ... that would hands-down be the co-worker who told me on my first day back to work just two days after my husband's service that she knew EXACTLY how I felt because she had to put her dog down the week before.

But ... I was rather surprised with how a casual friend - who is widowed herself - responded to my post on Facebook today about the tears I shed seeing my husband's car loaded up on the tow truck to head off to its new owner.

Her response?  "It's time! ... every time I see you still hanging with other widows I pray that you aren't hanging too long in the past!"  

I assured her I'm doing quite well, thank you ... and I'm grateful for my widowed friends who, unlike the friends who disappeared after Vern died, have stuck by me.

Most widows would understand this, I certainly do!  I don't live in the past but the past is part of who I am.  And every once in a while, something from my past can bring tears. It's not nearly as intense as when I was grieving, but it still happens to me even after nine years.  I hope you are able to disregard her remarks as  plain nonsense.

I think some people don't know what to say out of their mouths. I chalk it up to their stupidity. It's not hanging in the past but realizing that the love lives on. I found out that the relationship continues as well. As pointed out by my priest, yes the dead still hear us. I know Gilbert probably was laughing his ass off at the way some of these people were acting and some of the things that were coming out of their mouths. People are pitiful.

Today a one time friend of mine emailed me to say that this day, the anniversary of my husband's death, would always be a little sad for her, and then she went on about what a great time she had had seeing Hamilton the night before.  This is hardly the most insensitive thing I've heard, and I know she meant well, but it just hit me that way, to show me what a chasm there is between us.  She might have left off the "little."  She might have not bundled it with a my-great-fun-time message.  Today (or yesterday for me because of the time difference of where it occurred) it has been 3 years since I lost my husband suddenly.  I spent a long time wanting to die, a long time being only half alive, a long time in which almost all of my relationships "realigned," a long time struggling all the way down to the bone to find a way to go on, and I have come to a point where I feel as if I have made it through, where I feel as if I am not destroyed.  I have come through the worst thing and am ready to start living again.  Ready to start again is a better place, but still daunting.  The anniversary of my husband's death is a day that is more than a "little" sad for me.  But I'm the b#$%@ if I respond to her that way, right?  I'm the one who isn't moving on.  I'm x, y or z.


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