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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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Well this isn't the WORSE thing I've heard ... that would hands-down be the co-worker who told me on my first day back to work just two days after my husband's service that she knew EXACTLY how I felt because she had to put her dog down the week before.

But ... I was rather surprised with how a casual friend - who is widowed herself - responded to my post on Facebook today about the tears I shed seeing my husband's car loaded up on the tow truck to head off to its new owner.

Her response?  "It's time! ... every time I see you still hanging with other widows I pray that you aren't hanging too long in the past!"  

I assured her I'm doing quite well, thank you ... and I'm grateful for my widowed friends who, unlike the friends who disappeared after Vern died, have stuck by me.

Most widows would understand this, I certainly do!  I don't live in the past but the past is part of who I am.  And every once in a while, something from my past can bring tears. It's not nearly as intense as when I was grieving, but it still happens to me even after nine years.  I hope you are able to disregard her remarks as  plain nonsense.

I think some people don't know what to say out of their mouths. I chalk it up to their stupidity. It's not hanging in the past but realizing that the love lives on. I found out that the relationship continues as well. As pointed out by my priest, yes the dead still hear us. I know Gilbert probably was laughing his ass off at the way some of these people were acting and some of the things that were coming out of their mouths. People are pitiful.

Today a one time friend of mine emailed me to say that this day, the anniversary of my husband's death, would always be a little sad for her, and then she went on about what a great time she had had seeing Hamilton the night before.  This is hardly the most insensitive thing I've heard, and I know she meant well, but it just hit me that way, to show me what a chasm there is between us.  She might have left off the "little."  She might have not bundled it with a my-great-fun-time message.  Today (or yesterday for me because of the time difference of where it occurred) it has been 3 years since I lost my husband suddenly.  I spent a long time wanting to die, a long time being only half alive, a long time in which almost all of my relationships "realigned," a long time struggling all the way down to the bone to find a way to go on, and I have come to a point where I feel as if I have made it through, where I feel as if I am not destroyed.  I have come through the worst thing and am ready to start living again.  Ready to start again is a better place, but still daunting.  The anniversary of my husband's death is a day that is more than a "little" sad for me.  But I'm the b#$%@ if I respond to her that way, right?  I'm the one who isn't moving on.  I'm x, y or z.

A few days ago someone told me that he was heartbroken too.   Poor, poor thing.  It seems he had to give up his horses.

When her sister told me I was an enabler. Not coming back at her took a LOT of self control.

I may have replied to this previously, I am not certain.

My wife had a friend she'd known since Junior High and he never stopped having a crush on her. She had no interest in him in that regard and I always believed her and he never seemed like a threat to me at all. On the day of her memorial he was sitting in the sanctuary prior to the service. I walked over to him and said hello, thanked him for coming. 

He looked at me and said "You were lucky to have her." I replied "Yes I certainly was." Later his comment gnawed at me and I wish I'd said "She was lucky not to have you!"  All of the wonderful supportive words people have shared and I remember his.

There was one other comment from another person weeks later "If you were to take your own life after losing two wives to cancer I think people would understand." 

300 loving comments and 2 strange comments from 2 idiots. I guess I got off lucky! 

People are almost always coming from their own perspective.  As a woman I found that I (mostly) received three sorts of comments.  One from those who hadn't found a great love and wanted me to know I should feel lucky that I'd had something nice (like your jealous rival), the I can't imagine comments from those who were also happily married, and after a little time had passed, a bizarre subset of comments from women who felt trapped in their marriages and seemed to envy my freedom from all of that. (Didn't they ever hear of divorce?)

As for your second strange comment maker, I haven't heard anything like that, how awful!  My sense is that she was oversharing her if-it-was-me thoughts, and that if she's not mentally ill (big if there), she probably felt really awful about how that sounded afterwards.

There have been so many but I think the worse is "you're young, you will find someone else."  That irks me so much that at times I feel like I can't wait to be able to say the same to them.  Then hope they get mad and I can say "so now you know how I felt when you said that to me!"  It is a horrible thought and I hate having it.  I also hate this was "god's plan" or "god's will" because that just makes me want to doubt religion as why would a good, all knowing and all powerful entity plan or will me to suffer so much. 

It will get better in time, time heals all wounds...that crap is annoying too.  Time definitely doesn't heal all wounds.  Even if you elaborate with scars remain- scars don't hurt, they are just a reminder, but grief is a reminder and continues to hurt no matter how much time passes.

Don't forget my personal favorite (that I got again just today), which is some variation of you were lucky to have what you did, so be grateful that you had it.  It, What I'd tell all the people out there, if I could set aside being nice, it's not a math contest.  "It" was an actual human being who died tragically and unexpectedly, someone I loved.

Exactly, our loved ones were a person who you cherished. I feel like they are treating my husband as a pet as if to say "just go get another husband" like he wasn't that important and so easily to replace him.  I am not even like that with my pets!

People just don't get it! I still don't know how to come back at someone who will make comments such as these. There is a particular guard in the building where I work (an older divorced lady) that says things that need to be kept to herself. My husband's truck got repossessed because he was too sick to keep up the car payments in between bouts of illness. He got a new car since he drove for Uber. She actually thought I was cheating on my husband because she saw another car picking me up! I told this idiot that was my husband's car! He bought another one in order to drive for Uber and work around doctor's appts. People call themselves being helpful, but sometimes I think they use these opportunities to show how ignorant they can be. I can deal with a stupid person, but ignorance I have little tolerance. I use to come back at them with the truth. In this case, I said exactly what I had written above. Little did I know, I didn't owe her any explanation whatsoever. Sometimes no response is better than a snappy comment. 

Just the other day, my brother gave me a lecture on how devastating losing a spouse can be, and he was telling me that some people are not as strong as others, and that I need to be there to help my cousin through her loss. I'm like okay. I lost a spouse too. Who is going to be there to help me during my darker moments? Seriously?


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