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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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DIVA70...3 days after my husband died suddenly my sister, who was also a very good friend of mine, said "Now you're single and so am I!".  She had been separated for two years from her husband of 30 years at the time.  It cut me like a knife at the time.  I can see it differently now, 6.5 years later.   Was it dumb?  yes  Was it braindead?  yes  Was it malicious? no  Some people think they're helping, want to help, would give anything to make you feel better, and they certainly don't mean to hurt you.  They don't know what they don't know.  She may have thought she was being compassionate.  Hard to fathom, but I can assure you it could be true.  Grief is generally misunderstood by those with no experience.  

A slightly different topic: My in-laws live about 900 miles away. A couple of months before my husband passed from brain cancer, I was talking to my sister in law about visiting my husband before he passes and plans when he inevitably passes away. I bought and paid for a plane ticket so she could visit my husband for his birthday (his last). I picked her up from the airport and was taking her out for dinner. She abruptly says, "Don't have a funeral because nobody will come." I was shocked at the comment and I wanted to throat punch her!!! In the end, I had a viewing...and didn't invite any of them.

On the anniversary of his next birthday I was visiting with his aunt and cousins. They wanted to know why I didn't have a funeral. So I told them the story. It's been almost four years since original the comment. Visited my in-laws last week and had an opportunity to tell sister in law that comment really hurt my feelings. I don't like making people feel bad, but feel like I got some closure.

Get over it was the most insensitive thing someone said to me

Dear SuddenlyAlone

Yes, I remember being told that one too, "get over it". And on Facebook when I changed my status to widow, I was told by a high school classmate of 40 years ago, that " I may never get over it, but .. Blah blah.. ",  went on to tell me how to handle my grief, and she posted it right on my Facebook page. It felt like an invasion of my privacy and space. Mind, this was 7 years ago. But It bothered me, among other things about FB, that I don't visit it anymore. Looking back, it was partly my fault for having changed my status to widow, maybe to others, it's like asking for a reaction, I suppose. But I know how much that one hurts. (Hugs)

No, it's not your "fault".  That's your status.  It's one of the steps in accepting reality.  The fault was in people thinking that was an invitation to tell you how to run your own life.

I haven't changed my status on FB.  I post a memorial to Ron on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, with a favorite picture, but even now I get occasional Friend Requests from guys I don't know- maybe a few years younger nice-looking, no friends in common and sometimes no other friends at all.  (My profile is locked down except for my picture.)  One looked American, had an American name and all his friends had Middle Eastern names. Yeah, right.  I really need "friends" like that. 

I figure that changing my status to Widow would just invite more of those predators.

It doesn't attract predators if you set your privacy settings to "friends only."  My profile is locked down as tight as I can make it, and I have never gotten friend requests from fake profiles.


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