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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.


I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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No, it's not your "fault".  That's your status.  It's one of the steps in accepting reality.  The fault was in people thinking that was an invitation to tell you how to run your own life.

I haven't changed my status on FB.  I post a memorial to Ron on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, with a favorite picture, but even now I get occasional Friend Requests from guys I don't know- maybe a few years younger nice-looking, no friends in common and sometimes no other friends at all.  (My profile is locked down except for my picture.)  One looked American, had an American name and all his friends had Middle Eastern names. Yeah, right.  I really need "friends" like that. 

I figure that changing my status to Widow would just invite more of those predators.

It doesn't attract predators if you set your privacy settings to "friends only."  My profile is locked down as tight as I can make it, and I have never gotten friend requests from fake profiles.

 I haven't changed my status either. I do however get a ridiculous amount of friend requests. I think its because I joined 2 different widow pages on FB. They aren't hidden they can see the names, just not the posts. Since I joined those I get at least 3-4 requests a week. Ugh...

Only one I ever looked at was the first one. He said he worked for the same company my husband had. I thought maybe it was a friend of his, but no. Hoping that was just coincidence and not that he took the time to search my husbands FB.Creepy.

I guess this would qualify more as a ‘clueless’ and not intentionally insensitive comment but shortly after the accident that took my husband and sent myself and our child to hospitals I was in hospital with my injuries and had to undergo surgery. Two nurses came into move me to a stretcher to bring me to get X-rays done and it was so painful being transferred I was screaming and crying. They must’ve  not fully read my file before coming in because they asked me “do you want us to get your husband?”. So through the pain I had to tell them they couldn’t and then sobbed basically until I passed out. 

SAr_ML That had to be a very emotionally and physically painful situation. I am very sorry you had to experience that. :-(

I had a friend who's husband left her and her daughter. She made a point to SAY it's WORSE  for them because he chose to leave. All I could think was well, your daughter may get a birthday card or call from her Dad now and then, mine never will. But I couldn't actually say it. Just nod and keep it in. 

We are no longer friends.

You know Maria, loss is loss and pain is pain. You did the right thing by not saying anything. Sometimes silence is the answer. Your friend is in a lot of pain. 

You know what Peach, she may have been in pain. I chose not to say anything. All the same, just shows her character.  She's allowed to be in pain. She's allowed to share. But it's not a competition.  She said specifically it's harder on her daughter than it is for mine. I didn't think that was appropriate, nor did I reveal how I felt.  We aren't friends any longer not based on that conversation.   I feel sorry for her but didn't think she should make our completely different losses a competition. 

Ive never been divorced, Id guess that would be the death of their marriage. But her daughter's father is still very much alive. 

Dear Maria,

Firstly, please accept my genuine condolences for your loss.

People say insensitive things without meaning to and, certainly some should know better.  Sadly, common sense is not so common.  I had a similar experience when someone I know told me that our experiences were similar because we both lost our husbands.  Mine passed away from a massive heart attack and she lost hers to divorce.  Not quite the same thing and, like you, I did not take the insensitivity bait and said nothing.  I couldn't really stop speaking to her because she is my manager but, then again, that's not necessarily a friend.  

True, pain is pain but comparison and competition have no place in the land of grief.  I think you were right not to reply.  It showed maturity and character. 

If nothing else, the insensitivity of others has taught me to remain silent and simply listen to those who are grieving when there are simply "no words."

My apologies,  I think that me sharing was misunderstood.  I did so to let others know that people will say insensitive things simply because they dont understand what they are saying. Im far beyond the shocked point when it comes to this subject as it's been 7yrs for me of holding in my 'youre kidding me right?' thoughts. Like just last week someone who's going through a rough divorce and custody battle said it would be easier if he died. This was a completely different person from my previous example. These examples Ive shared are to say they have no idea what that means.  It just shows what we have to continue to go through. Especially since as mothers, only parents, have to hear from their peer group the complaints about their if to say they are envious that we don't have to deal with our spouses. I do have to sit back, listen and say nothing. Be grateful for the marriage I did have. As anyone who's single with a kid in my age group is unlikely to be in the 1% group. I'll tell you one thing. It took me a while to be somewhat social  again in the beginning and I only did so for my daughter. She was 2.5 and I enrolled her in a dance class. As I waited for her, I was stuck in a room filled with bitter peers , stay at home moms bitching about daily chores, and their spouses. That's when I took that 45mins to start running again as listening to that on every occasion was really angering me. But again, sharing to let others know...youll be hearing some pretty shocking stuff. For a long time. Being able to keep those feelings at bay is courage. It's what makes us survivors.

Hey Ladies, the real fun begins when their husbands hit on you. Im also sharing that as a heads up. 

Maria- no kidding.   

You other comments are spot on.... but unless someone calls them on it, they won't get it.  I was at dinner with a couple of friends one time, and was complaining about my mother (as was one other friend), and our 3rd friend burst into tears and said "be happy you have a mother", as her mother had died when she was a teenager.   It certainly made me stop and think, and I am truly glad she called me on it.


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