What is the most insensitive thing someone has said to you about your loss?

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Permalink Reply by carolinagirl on February 1, 2011 at 3:50pm

My husband was a high school coach.  He also was proud of being a grandfather. Someone gave me t-shirt at Christmas that they had made especially for him. It said Coach Grandpa on the front. She said that she didn't know what to do with it since he had passed away and she knew that I would know someone that could use it. Stabbing a knife in my heart might have hurt less....and, yes, I told her that I knew what to do with it.  It went right in the trash can as soon as she left my home.

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Permalink Reply by CrazyWidow on February 4, 2011 at 11:45am

That's so tough.  I know it's cliched to say this, but I do believe her intentions were right, she just probably didn't think about what it would do to YOU.  *hugs*

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Permalink Reply by A Widowed Father on February 4, 2011 at 11:52am

I agree, I'm sappier than most women in some regards, although hardened emotionally in other ways, but in this case I think that I would have wanted the shirt, not for myself, but to give to one of the grand children, as I'd think that they might have found it special to have, being as it shows how important they were to him that someone would go to the effort to have a shirt made.

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Permalink Reply by Lyn on March 18, 2011 at 11:45pm

I had an awful one.  A girlfriend was getting ready to leave her husband and she told me she'd love to "switch places" with me.  Can you imagine?  She was basically saying she wanted to be a widow.  I advised her that if she wanted her husband dead it was definitely time to leave.  It was awful and she had no idea how absurd it was that she was telling me this.

 

I actually felt sorry for her too and didn't punch her either.

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Permalink Reply by nicunancy on March 19, 2011 at 2:06am

I'll be 5 years out this July. Several months after Bill's death(at age 53 and unexpected) I was still in a fog but one memory is crystal clear. I was talking to a customer service rep on the phone-who sounded about 12- and told her I was changing a service plan because of my husband's death. She said "O my God, I know just how you feel. I just lost my dog". I still am dumbfounded by that one. I found it helped a lot to say to myself (to the person making the horrid comment) "You are going to hell". I sometimes was afraid I might just blurt it out-for all I know, I may have. At some point, some of these things just became really funny in a horrible kind of way.

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Permalink Reply by Catherine on March 19, 2011 at 2:15am

A few months after Jimmy died, my mom called me and during the course of the conversation was telling me how she had been talking about Jimmy to a friend. She said "I don't know how it is for you, but I'm just now getting to where I can talk about Jimmy". This from a woman who lives 1600 miles away and saw my husband maybe every 5 years and she's talking about my soulmate who was everything to me. Yeah, I don't know how it is for me either, mom.  

 

As for the telemarketers, I'm afraid I get rather blunt. I just say, he's dead, what do you want? It turns out that they really don't want anything after you say that.

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Permalink Reply by postal widow on March 19, 2011 at 3:14pm

I just love it when someone who has not been through this says, oh you need a boyfriend. I almost want to say back really does that mean my children need a new father since their dad has died?

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Permalink Reply by Momtofour on March 19, 2011 at 4:56pm

Well, it wasn't something someone said, but did...my husband died from H1N1 complications in Oct 09.  One of my "friends" I saw in Target after he passed with her two young daughters.  This specific day I had to pick my son up from school b/c he wasn't feeling well, and the drs suspected he might have H1N1 too, so he and I were both put on public stock Tamiflu.  Mind you, I hadn't been out in forever since the funeral, he had died 10 days ago and I needed a few things from Target, so I went. I saw my friend there and told her not to stand too close because i didnt want to get her or her kids sick in case my son had it.  This "friend" had also not come to the funeral or sent me a card because death scared her, so she basically abandoned me.  After the chance meeting in Target, she publicly blasted me on a mutual message board we were both on saying i was out infecting everyone with H1N1, and that I should stay home.   Well what was I supposed to do? I'm by myself, a single mom of 4...do I just stay home and not get what I need?

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Permalink Reply by Momtofour on March 19, 2011 at 5:13pm

one thing that really pisses me off is when people say he's watching down on us from heaven...No he's not! We're not a religious family, and he didn't believe in that.  But I just dont know what to say to that, i just ignore it most of the time.  Like they think they really know who he was...he didnt believe in heaven or hell and I hate how people just assume that he's in heaven now. Ugh!

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Permalink Reply by postal widow on March 22, 2011 at 8:16pm

krusty, I think that if they say that they dont understand, our bodies die, our spirits go to God, its united with his son, to keep in safe keeping until they are raised from the grave, if anyone is watching from heaven it is God , I am not religious either, I dont beliver in other religions, I am christian, and saved, and have a personal relationship with God, but it did not prevent me from the amount of agony of loss in my beloved spouse, It held me strong until after his funeral, but that was to get through and celebrate his faith in almighty God, if not for that I dont think he wold of made it his last year of work, I do believe in heaven and hell, but I felt he went thru more hell on earth and deserved his rest in heaven. He's at peace, I still feel like I am going thru hell without him even if I have God to comfort me in my loss.

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Permalink Reply by Missystitch on April 9, 2011 at 7:32pm

Thank you!! I have the same problem with all the religious "crap"! It's not my belief system either. And they get offended when I tell them that. They don't worry about offending us with their drivel!! 

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Permalink Reply by Susan B on August 9, 2011 at 12:02am

takes very little for some to show their ignorance and ugliness.

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