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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.

 

I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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People keep telling me that my husband had a "good death" because he died in his sleep- that he didn't suffer but his death was a complete shock and we didn't get to see it coming and I didn't get to say good-by. He wasn't suffering where death may have been a release from pain. He was fine the night before ad then he just died during the early hours of the morning.

I love widow85's comment about how people have to be concrete when offering help. So many people have told me to let them know what I need and the ones who have said something like "I'd like to stop by and bring you XXX or spend time with you and which night works for you?" have been very welcome.

Disgusting and objectionable on so many levels! I'm sorry you had to hear that.  My least favorite one is, "Now we just need to find you a man."  Like I'd want anyone else after marrying and living with the love of my life for 12 years. Ugh. I'm wishing us all some peace and hope today. 

He's an "angel" now. Well, I searched the Bible and other literature, and there is no indication that we become "angels" after death.

Ali,

Please accept my genuine condolences for your loss.  

I'm so sorry for your loss. Iost my wife 33 days ago to leukemia. We had only 12 years together. Some people can be so insensitive. I hate it when they say it will get better, time heals all wounds. They haven't had a loss as profound as ours but then they know what we are going through. Just makes me mad and at the same time. I pray that they never have to experience a loss such as ours.
God Bless you. Your in my prayers.
I had someone tell me recently that because they'd only been married to their partner for 15 months, having found them late In life again after being just friends in their 20s - well, that was more unfortunate than me losing my husband after 28 years because at least we'd had all that time to be happy in and they hadn't been so lucky. I'm still scratching my head on that one; never realised it was some kind of competition.

This same person had told me five minutes earlier I didn't appear to be finding it too stressful because I'm managing to go out with friends from time to time. She made me feel totally worthless.
Sometimes people feel the need to measure or compare which I think is ridiculous. Situations may be different but the end result is loss and grief, the same for us all. I truly believe that getting out with friends is a positive thing if you are up to it. Distractions can be helpful when dealing with grief. There are some people who find comfort being around others and those who prefer solitude, especially early on. We each need to decide what works best for us or what we feel comfortable doing. On a good day we may appreciate being around others and on a bad one, we may need to bow out. I think it's more important to try and support one another than to make comparisons as to whose situation is sadder--it's all heartbreaking.

Well-said Callie.  I'm more than 3 years along in my journey and I've learned that many people don't know what to say.  As a result, some say the wrong things.  My own mom started comparing my loss to my brother's loss (he died nearly 3 decades ago) and, in the beginning, started talking about what she went through and her depression.  At one point I was sobbing and asked her to please stop.  I told her that I would never dare compare the loss of a child or any loss to mine.  I explained that it was not a contest and that both circumstances were terrible but that I simply could not grieve for my husband and relive the experience of my only brother's death because I was at the breaking point and I simply could not handle it.  She said other inappropriate things, which I've mentioned in the past and choose to leave there.  She simply did not know how to "fix" her grieving daughter and I helped her understand that this was not something she could "fix" but something that I had to work through myself.

You also hit the nail on the head about how people handle grief differently and how some prefer solitude while others prefer to be with other people.  There were (sometimes still are) days when I didn't want to be around anyone or speak with anyone.  Other times, I am fine being with friends/family.  It depends on the mood/day/moment. 

People can truly say and do the stupidest things,  I had a cousin of my late husband stop by 3 weeks after he (my husband) died and give his condolences and then proceed to ask me out on a date.  Seriously???  Well I chalked it up to him having a great ability to multitask lol.  I kept thinking, goodness I lost a husband of 34 years, I didn't just break up with my boyfriend.

A person learns lots of things about people when all is said and done.

when things get difficult then you see the true side of people.

I agree 100%

Agreed, for me the biggest thing is some of the male friends, family that were my husbands. Not sure how to understand how the male brain works, it's like most of them go from being our friends to just wanting to jump your bones.  Sorry if I sound sarcastic, but it really does seem that way.  It really puts a lot of things into a different perspective when dealing with neighbors and so called friends.

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