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I had a person who was in the throes of divorce tell me that MY loss was "beautiful and romantic." My husband was dying of cancer at the time.

 

I felt sorry for her, and so, she went un-punched.

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OMG! I’m glad you were able to cut them out of your life. Man, my in-laws are driving me crazy, but the worse has only been from the brother who told me I need to give his parents a break because they were suffering just as much as me maybe even more so because they did know him longer.  I never said I thought I was suffering more (though I thought it).  It just irked me he would say that. 

I wonder...could that have been sarcasm?  

Two weeks ago someone asked me what happened the night Jerry died.  I proceeded to tell him about doing CPR on him.  Mind you there were three of us doing CPR and Jerry's daughter is an ACLS certified RN, who by the way works in an ICU unit.  This fool proceeds to tell me we probably didn't do CPR correctly.  

God bless the ignorant! 

CPR doesn’t work on everybody. My husband had a massive heart attack—it depends on what was wrong. Not everything is survivable, but it does save some lives. Yes, there are ignorant people. That person showed ignorance on two counts.

Yes Callie, in Jerry's case CPR would never have saved him.  The coroner even told us with the amount of plaque in all of his arteries, even being in the hospital wouldn't have saved Jerry.  

I am sorry that someone was so callous and ignorant.  I am sure some small part of his brain was telling him to shut up, even as he blabbered on.  (Wish he had listened to it!) You did not deserve to hear the drivel that came out of his mouth. Obviously, you tried hard to save your husband and had a lot of well qualified people helping you, too. It was simply not possible, and I am so sorry about what you went through that horrible night.  

These dumb comments come from a sincere fear of death. Most can avoid thinking about it most of the time, but when confronted, panic and say the stupidest things imaginable.  This site is where we post them and laugh derisively, because we know better.  Then we can toss them into the trash can where they belong. We're with you in strength...

Rainy,

I called those people "A" holes & occassionally still do just 'cuz ...

If its any consolation, I asked if CPR had been performed on Bob him following his massive cardiac arrest even though I had already been informed he was brain dead before his heart shut down. The wonders of shock - I'm sure someone laughed at me but whatever - I still had to run my course of anger to get it out ...

If it was not a heart attack, then the likelihood of restoring a rhythm through CPR or AED machine is nil. Martin died from an embolism. He was "PEA" which means pulseless electrical activity...they worked on him for nearly an hour. I suspect it was more about me at that point. I did everything I knew how to do. While I gave him stomach compressions- something I learned via Purdue U study, I dialed 911. Paramedics were 3 minutes away. I got Martin to the floor and then my son and I did CPR until the paramedics arrived. My army training had me begging them to get an atropine injection to his heart. I knew it would have done no good but I was desperate for the event unfolding before me not to be true. 
Martin died in his sleep and we had had a wonderful night out. When someone asked what happened, the next thing was, "Did you have sex?" I am pretty sure in hindsight the person knew how thoughtless it was to even ask such a question...I'm guessing he was shocked and that was all that came out. Humorous now, but not so in the moment!

One of my friends said that based on the number of years his friend had been married, it “should” only take X number of years for her to “move on” after the death of her husband. And he completely assumed that a bit more than 3 years later, I had completely “moved on.” 

I immediately explained the insanity of his mathematical algorithm for grief, and corrected him about his assumption as to my own journey with grief. 

I’ve developed a serious mental block with people’s use of the phrases “moving on,” “moving forward,” and “letting go.” Quite frankly, I hate these phrases even more 3 years later than when I first became a widow. Time “moves on” and “moves forward,” so from one perspective I have no choice but to get up each morning to keep a roof over my head and pay my bills.

The phrase  “letting go” is far worse and an even more emotionally loaded phrase. I will never “let go,” i.e., relegate my husband to the status of my old boyfriends who I barely remember. I will always love my husband and remember him.

I’ve become more practiced at hiding my distaste when people use such phrases, but after hearing them so often, I’ve decided to stop using these phrases myself.

Starting last year, I began challenging myself to grow and change in ways that honor my husband’s memory. I reflect on both my positive and negative experiences with my husband and use these experiences as the fuel for my continued growth as an individual. For whatever the reason, the phrase “making changes” and the idea of “growth” don’t seem as loaded with negative connotations. I grew and changed as a person when my husband was alive, and continuing to grow and change seem natural.

Springlight I love the terminology you mentioned,  “making changes” and the idea of “growth”.  I have not heard it put that way and you are right, it's so much less painful.  I'm going to try to retrain myself to use that from now on.  I don't love the other terms but really I didn't know of another way to put it.  Thanks!

Hi, Rainy (Misty). 

I'm glad I can be helpful!

My husband was a very big-hearted man, and I'm challenging myself to develop this quality even more than when he was alive. And I tend to reflect more and be more mindful when I consider  making changes he would not have agreed with, and in these ways I honor his memory.

I recognize that Gary wasn't infallible. He was a human being.  I am equally as fallible and human.  So  in the absence of having him or someone to talk with, I tend to reflect more on the constructiveness of my choices before I go ahead and make changes he would not or might not have agreed with but would make me happy in the short/long run. 

I was at a visit with one of my doctors (medical, not psych), and mentioned that I am having difficulty going through this grieving process by myself, with no family or friends near, just the occasional text or e-mail from out of the area.  He responded:  "You just need to stop relying on other people for your happiness".

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