A few days ago someone told me that he was heartbroken too. Poor, poor thing. It seems he had to give up his horses.
When her sister told me I was an enabler. Not coming back at her took a LOT of self control.
I may have replied to this previously, I am not certain.
My wife had a friend she'd known since Junior High and he never stopped having a crush on her. She had no interest in him in that regard and I always believed her and he never seemed like a threat to me at all. On the day of her memorial he was sitting in the sanctuary prior to the service. I walked over to him and said hello, thanked him for coming.
He looked at me and said "You were lucky to have her." I replied "Yes I certainly was." Later his comment gnawed at me and I wish I'd said "She was lucky not to have you!" All of the wonderful supportive words people have shared and I remember his.
There was one other comment from another person weeks later "If you were to take your own life after losing two wives to cancer I think people would understand."
300 loving comments and 2 strange comments from 2 idiots. I guess I got off lucky!
People are almost always coming from their own perspective. As a woman I found that I (mostly) received three sorts of comments. One from those who hadn't found a great love and wanted me to know I should feel lucky that I'd had something nice (like your jealous rival), the I can't imagine comments from those who were also happily married, and after a little time had passed, a bizarre subset of comments from women who felt trapped in their marriages and seemed to envy my freedom from all of that. (Didn't they ever hear of divorce?)
As for your second strange comment maker, I haven't heard anything like that, how awful! My sense is that she was oversharing her if-it-was-me thoughts, and that if she's not mentally ill (big if there), she probably felt really awful about how that sounded afterwards.
There have been so many but I think the worse is "you're young, you will find someone else." That irks me so much that at times I feel like I can't wait to be able to say the same to them. Then hope they get mad and I can say "so now you know how I felt when you said that to me!" It is a horrible thought and I hate having it. I also hate this was "god's plan" or "god's will" because that just makes me want to doubt religion as why would a good, all knowing and all powerful entity plan or will me to suffer so much.
It will get better in time, time heals all wounds...that crap is annoying too. Time definitely doesn't heal all wounds. Even if you elaborate with scars remain- scars don't hurt, they are just a reminder, but grief is a reminder and continues to hurt no matter how much time passes.
Don't forget my personal favorite (that I got again just today), which is some variation of you were lucky to have what you did, so be grateful that you had it. It, What I'd tell all the people out there, if I could set aside being nice, it's not a math contest. "It" was an actual human being who died tragically and unexpectedly, someone I loved.
Exactly, our loved ones were a person who you cherished. I feel like they are treating my husband as a pet as if to say "just go get another husband" like he wasn't that important and so easily to replace him. I am not even like that with my pets!
People just don't get it! I still don't know how to come back at someone who will make comments such as these. There is a particular guard in the building where I work (an older divorced lady) that says things that need to be kept to herself. My husband's truck got repossessed because he was too sick to keep up the car payments in between bouts of illness. He got a new car since he drove for Uber. She actually thought I was cheating on my husband because she saw another car picking me up! I told this idiot that was my husband's car! He bought another one in order to drive for Uber and work around doctor's appts. People call themselves being helpful, but sometimes I think they use these opportunities to show how ignorant they can be. I can deal with a stupid person, but ignorance I have little tolerance. I use to come back at them with the truth. In this case, I said exactly what I had written above. Little did I know, I didn't owe her any explanation whatsoever. Sometimes no response is better than a snappy comment.
Just the other day, my brother gave me a lecture on how devastating losing a spouse can be, and he was telling me that some people are not as strong as others, and that I need to be there to help my cousin through her loss. I'm like okay. I lost a spouse too. Who is going to be there to help me during my darker moments? Seriously?
yes, I have gotten that too, the "you were lucky to have that so many years" . It doesn't help.
I love the math contest remark Mary H!
Just a couple of days after my husband passed, one of the porters in my building asked if I had any clothing that I was getting rid of because he comes from a poor family and he could either use or sell them. I put together a couple of shopping bags with some of my husband's items and also some of mine and gave them to him a day or so later. It felt as if my husband and I were giving to someone in need together that way. The same porter commented that I was young and would find someone soon and start again and that everything would be alright. I didn't say much of anything because I realized he simply did not get it. Lots of people have good intentions but simply don't get it.
I've also heard, "It's God's plan and he has something else in store for you," and other comments along those lines. What I learned from those and many other comments, is what "not" to say to someone who has lost a spouse, partner or loved one. While I can understand the temptation, I don't wish them anything bad and, should they ever find themselves in similar circumstances, I would not make the same comment(s) to them. I also would not offer help but simply give it if I was able to.
Yes, if I learned anything it is definitely how to treat a grieving person and it is mostly about what NOT to say.
There is a widowed woman named Kelly Lynn who has created a monologue about these types of mostly well intentioned, but hurtful comments. She calls it "My Husband is Not a Rainbow." There might be a link to a video somewhere on this website, or it might be on You Tube somewhere. I will try to search it out. She does it at all three Camp Widows, always on Saturday afternoon. I recommend you see it. It will be the best laugh you will have had in months, if not years.
I think I have said this before somewhere here, but at the hospital, even before my wife was put into hospice, someone said, "Someday you will want female companionship again." I seriously wanted to strangle that person with one of my wife's IVs. And yes, four years out, even though I date occasionally, no I haven't found "female companionship." Maybe some day. Remember, I'm fairly young and I will find someone else. :-)