Thirteen months and 17 days I still ask, what's the point of me being here? God took the wrong one.
Faith is strong, mind and body not. Everyday a knot in my stomach, tears in my eyes, no direction and too much of a coward to do anything about it.
I'm not committing the ultimate sin but I can't wait for this torment to end.
There is a reason you are still here. There are things you can do. I hope you find the reason soon, it makes it easier when you know WHY you are here. (((hugs))))
We've all been there Rich. It will get better. I think we expect too much of ourselves in grieving. The Victorians had an official 2 year grieving period, and I think they had that right. It is very hard to hit that year mark and still feel so very bad. It makes it feel as if life will never get better. But it will.
I mourn Janet's passing for her. Janet loved life, people loved her, I felt like a rock star being married to her. She still had so much to offer. Janet ( a health nut) passed 43 days after PC diagnosis and never once cried or said why me? She was strong for those around her and me. The pain of her loss makes me love her more, I never want that to stop.
Our gravestone has the same date of death for both of us. The date that will appear on my death certificate is just a technicality.
Rich -- I just have to say that what you wrote was beautifully described, and sounds so familiar to me.
I always felt like I was sort of basking in the reflected glow of Kelly's life, since she was so well-liked and loved by those who knew her, so beautiful, so full of unabashed joy in life, whereas I've always been a bit more prickly and reserved. She was also the most health-conscious person I knew.
Nevertheless, she was unexpectedly diagnosed with stage-IV-b never-smoker's lung cancer (obviously she never smoked or was even around smokers). She lived another 9 months, and never once had any self-pity, nor cried or complained. When I had to deliver the news to her that she was going to die, she spent what little time and energy she had, trying to comfort me. She was so strong.
I can't help but keep thinking that it should've been me instead of her.
I'm so sorry, Rich. I've been widowed for 4 years and 5 months now. I remember feeling as you do. I found a wonderful grief counselor who had also been widowed young, as I was. She has always given me the best advice, and I will share some with you:
This will never get better.
It will, however, get easier.
I also have been angry with God for "taking the wrong one." As a friend pointed out to me once--there is no right one. I think about committing the "Ultimate sin" at least twice a week these days. It used to be at least twice a day. You can do this. You may not want to do this. I'm so sorry you have to do this.
It will get easier. But not soon.
Rich, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and alone right now. I agree with barb- there have to be many good things you can accomplish while you're still here. Do you have small grandchildren, nieces or nephews, great-nieces or nephews? I think some of the best therapy for me has been my almost 3-year old granddaughter, (She has a new baby sister but I LOVE dealing with toddlers.) I just got back from a visit and while I'm exhausted, I was also energized. She loved it when I made pancakes and eggs. She was thrilled when it was warm enough to go outside and blow soap bubbles. Most of the time she dances through life. I want to be a good influence on her and her sister (and, God willing, any future siblings).
I also work in the garden where our church grows produce for the local food kitchen (in warmer weather), and am active in Toastmasters, the local garden club and some things at church. None take the place of DH, of course- I was married to my best friend- but in general, I wake up looking forward to the day ahead.
And I'm really glad I don't have to observe a 2-year mourning period. I leave for Central America in 2 months. I booked the trip before DH died and, bless him, he was happy for me. Next year I'm going to India!
None of this may appeal to you, but please, try and find what makes YOU feel happy and useful.
I would never criticize someone for reaching towards life and enjoying the world, but I feel like I'm getting a little bashed here in this thread. To me the only difference between "better" and "easier" is semantics, but I understand it sounded wrong? I honor what Rich is going through. I understand his pain. I wanted to die all day long, every day for a year. Then it wasn't every day. Now I don't actively want to die, but the straightforward early exit from a quick illness after all my kids are up and out still holds some appeal. So I wanted him to know there was some hope for feeling (acceptable word for not wanting to kill yourself constantly). He's still in so much pain that doesn't sound good to him. It sounds like getting used to a life he doesn't want. He wants to stay in the moment that is closer to her and not get too far away from what it really means to lose her. I get it. It took me 2 years for my grief to let go of my throat, and now I am trying to live again. For me it wasn't "have to" that appealed to me about the 2 year mourning period, but "get to" without people expecting me to be having an easier time already.
Mary- I'm sorry if you felt like I was bashing anybody. From the posts I read here I know I'm in a tiny minority- so tiny, in fact, that one of the reasons I'm in a Grief Support group is to figure out why I'm not having as hard a time of it as everyone else. Am I going to crash unexpectedly later?
It's really helped me to work through my thoughts with this group and maybe some people can take hope from some of the aspects of the life I'm putting together after losing DH.
Thank you Athena, I'm sorry if I was over sensitive. I do take hope from those people who find and pursue joy in their lives. It's what I want too.
Oops--I admit I didn't mean to imply you were wrong with saying it will get "better," Mary. I think I missed that comment entirely, and when I posted mine about things never getting "better," but some day getting "easier," I was merely sharing the mantra that I sometimes use to help myself get through. I signed up for this site over a year ago--maybe longer than that, and honestly forgot about it. Then, in the last week, I'd noticed notifications in my emails from this site and since I am on a break from school (I'm a teacher), I clicked on the thread from a notification, which took me straight to Rich's comment. No criticism toward you intended--I simply haven't read everything through.
Thank you Elaine, no apology is necessary, I was being entirely too sensitive.
I think we're all sensitive here- it goes with the territory! This is also one of the kindest and most supportive Boards I've ever joined.