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Thirteen months and 17 days I still ask, what's the point of me being here? God took the wrong one.

Faith is strong, mind and body not. Everyday a knot in my stomach, tears in my eyes, no direction and too much of a coward to do anything about it.

I'm not committing the ultimate sin but I can't wait for this torment to end.

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I so agree.  May 21 will be 4 years since i was left alone.  I haven't vacuumed for a while now, because, "What's the point"  People who believe we are here for a reason i don't understand.  \we are here because someone thought they needed a baby.  I think back on Doug's life and it had "no point".  My life has no point.  He is so lucky to be in heaven, I try not to be bitter he got to die.  But today was just another day sitting on the couch all day.

I understand this too. This weekend has dragged on and on and without my dear little dog I wouldn't have coped. Ive just been in my dining room to look at steves chair exactly as he left it 10 weeks ago tonight. 10 whole weeks of waiting for him to never come home from work!!!!

I've walked past houses that have so many cars outside today and I can hear people talking and laughing in their gardens. Our drive still has steves car parked there where the police officer brought it back that day. I'm waiting for it to be collected. Even worse I still have to empty it of his things. I can't face it.

I don't feel like doing anything except sitting or walking with my little dog. Had a brief conversation with my sons partner tonight only for her to mention Christmas! and how odd it will be without Steve at the table. ODD ! She was smiling and saying how much he liked his Xmas dinner. I think devastating is the word, incomprehenible, surreal, sad are a few more. I'm trying not to think that far ahead but my mind torments me with it all the time.

I'm not being unkind she has the luxury of not feeling sad. She's fine and happy looking forward to her new baby which is normal.
I however will never feel normal again.
Yes..what is the point?
I need to stay here as well as I can to love my dogs no one else would know what Maisie wanted or needed or if she wasn't well.
She is my reason to breathe right now.
Nothing else feels real.

Oh and my hoover gave up yesterday so I can't even use it anyway there is no point of course, and no one to mend it anymore

I tried to dig a hole in my garden earlier to bury a beautiful magpie that was killed by a car right outside my house but I couldn't dig the ground is too hard we have had no rain it really upset me and I know Steve would have done it however hard it was.

I can't understand this 'new' life and I do not want to.
Alone,
Your loss is still so new, going through the motions may all you can do for a while. Taking a day at a time and sometimes only an hour at a time is the best you can do. I remember being very frustrated that I was unable to keep up with things and even til this day, I feel I should be further ahead them I am. Then I realized, I am only one person. Things will not be perfect and I cannot expect them to be. It would be self-defeating. So, we have to figure out ways to deal with a lot of day-to-day problems or "challenges" as I try to think of them. BTW, I ordered a new vacuum online a few years ago and had it delivered to my door--easy.

To be honest, it took me till the third year before I really got into going through a lot of my husband's things. Wait till you feel ready! Be kind to yourself and patient. We are thrust into this "new life" and I'm not sure I understand it either at times but it appears to be the hand dealt to us. Small steps. We can do this.

I understand. Without my beloved husband, I just don't see what the point is for my life. It will be exactly 15 months in two days. 

Happylilycat:

Hit the 15 month mark for me last week. Janet (55, vegetarian, non smoker/drinker, did everything healthy her whole life) was diagnosed with PC on 12/23/15 and mercifully passed away 43 days later. However less than 10 days after her diagnosis our 22 year old nephew (her side) was also diagnosed with PC. Initially I thought what are the odds? must be a sign or something that they would both go through it together and survive to talk about their "war" stories.

That did not happen. Our nephews father (Janet's brother) had died a few years back at 50 from diabetes. The nephew spent Christmas, holidays and just days at our house and we became close. I got him to Sloan in NYC where Janet was treated. He had the Whipple and 6 months of chemo. At the end of the treatment the cancer was still there. Sloan removed the pancreas, spleen, gall bladder and some nodes. In March 2017 I took him back to the hospital since he appeared to be having a reaction to his insulin (became diabetic when pancreas was removed). Turns out cancer is in liver and they can no longer help him. Gave him 2-6 months. To look at him you think he is a healthy as a horse.

Just like Janet he is handling it unbelievably well. I think that is to ease the concern and pain of those around him. I thought for sure that he would survive. So now I find myself asking for the second time in 18 months, what's the point?

Oh ((Rich)) PC is such an awful cancer. As I think you are probably aware, the BRAC gene that causes such a problem in families with breast cancer, also causes PC. Who knew 10 years ago? My best friend lived in fear of breast cancer which had killed her mother, then she was diagnosed with PC and learned the awful genetic truth! My heart goes out to you (and your nephew). Hugs all around.

I've been struggling with this myself.  It has been just over a year since my wife passed away.

At this point I don't feel like my biggest problem is that I miss her specifically (of course I do, but I don't think that this is what is really causing me problems).  I feel more that I struggle to just find a general point in living.  For so long I've been taking care of my wife and I guess a lot of my life revolved on trying to make her happy.  Now I just feel like I'm going through the motions.

I feel like it is getting harder to get out of bed in the morning, and I don't feel the same motivation to put time into work either.  My work is such that nobody is going to ask me every day if I've done anything that day, but sooner or later it will catch up to me if I'm not adding some kind of value.

I've been contemplating therapy but I've really be struggling to figure out where.

Rich:

I just wrote and erased several responses to your comment. Don't have the right answer.

Routine and faith keeps me going.

Use to be afraid of flying. Just took a flight to Florida and I was the calmest one on the jet. I was afraid of dying and leaving Janet behind, now I look forward to seeing her again but in Gods time, not mine.

Rich

Ugh, don't remind me of flying.  I don't mind it, but I've spent 48 hours on planes in the last few weeks.  :)

Honestly, at this point I don't have much faith in anything.  Sure, I'd love to, but I don't.  Routine seems to have worked for the last year, but I'm reaching the point where I need to find more than that...

Rich:

3 hours was enough for me. As for the routine, let me know what's beyond that since mine is getting old.

Rich

Rich, I am so sorry to have read about your multiple losses, the "sanitized" words I've heard my therapist use, which doesn't even begin to describe it. Please try to take good care of yourself, too, you're worth it. We all are, even when we don't believe it. Sending you a virtual hug and a prayer for some peace for you today, and going forward. 

i can't agree more that God killed the wrong one.  Doug had friends, out going, loved sports, watching & participating.  But life always worked out for Doug.  Everything he tried he was good at.  Before he died, I brought up, just in conversation, something about my funeral.  He quickly said "Why do you get to die first?  I don't want to be here on my own."  He suddenly died of aortic aneurysm, 10 days later he got his wish.  & I am stuck here alone.

So many things I have to do to take care of he house, buying groceries, It's all so unfair

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