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The five year anniversary of my husband's death is approaching (May 28) and I am sad, and I am lonely and I missing him more than ever, and stressed with all this pandemic junk going on...  Last night, talked to a dear old friend (known her 30 years or so) but we now live in different states. We chit chatted about her kids, grandkids, and she asked about me, and I told her how stressed, depressed about this coming 5 year death anniversary. And she said, "Get over it" she also said, "I can imagine one year or two years of grief, but it's been five years. Let it go!" I tell you, I'm speechless... I want some sympathy, empathy,  just someone to talk too and getting this response. Tried to explain how he was my soulmate and one doesn't "get over it" and everyone is different in the grief journey and she says "He's in a better place now." (I hate that) and "Wouldn't he want you to be happy?" (hate that one too) 

How do you respond to people like that?  I certainly don't want to lose an old friend.... so just ended our conversation...

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As you say, everyone is different.  In my case, the pain has definitely lessened.  It pretty much had to, because in the first weeks I was practically catatonic with it.  If it stayed the way it was, I'd likely be dead.  Now, at 5 months, it's more of a dull ache with occasional flare-ups than the constant searing pain of the early weeks.  Another way of thinking of it is the pain is still the same, but my brain has shorted out enough circuits for me to be less aware of it and be somewhat functional some days.

Hi Dee,

You posted this a month ago but I’m just arriving and finding it. Why? Because I lost my husband five years ago and while I haven’t needed the support of these boards for some time now, suddenly I find I do. Shrug. I think you handled the situation perfectly. My guess is your friend is just another casualty of the current culture, where that sort of tough love approach is considered funny or or cute or “being real.” I am sure she did not mean harm so no need to let it harm you. You have enough to deal with just managing your own grief.It sounds like you were very clear in saying that your feelings were valid (which they most certainly are!) and you graciously escaped a potentially very toxic confrontation. Perfect. Forgive her in your mind and heart and then move back to the most important business at hand, forgiving yourself for feeling as you do.There is absolutely no right way to do this, as anyone on these boards can confirm. Whatever way you are doing *is* the exact right way for you. So congratulations are in order, every minute of every one of your days, some of which are more painful than others.


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