What would you ask your late spouse right now if you could? And why?

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Permalink Reply by Wendy on March 29, 2011 at 2:04pm

I'd ask Brian what I'm supposed to do with my life now.  My belief is that everything happens for a reason, and there is some reason he had to go early and I had to be alone and go through this.  I think some of those pieces are starting to fit together, but it's still hard to live a life where most of the pieces are just strewn out on the table, especially because I thought I had all the pieces in place before.  I'm honestly just lost and don't know what to do next, which is not a feeling I'm used to (we were high school sweethearts, always had specific goals and plans for our life, and had followed those plans our whole lives).  Because he is on "the other side," I think he's privy to the "bigger picture" and I'd love to hear just a little bit about that.

 

I might also ask him his favorite memory of our life together, and how often he "checks in" on me.

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Permalink Reply by notthesame on March 30, 2011 at 3:27pm

Wendy I can totally related.  My husband and I were high school sweethearts as well and had so many plans for the future once our boys were all grown up.  We never really had the chance to actually just be a couple because we had our oldest son our senior year of high school.  I am like you I just feel totally lost.  I had lived in this safe bubble for the past almost 15 years where my life was spent at home working my job and taking care of my husband, our house and our boys.  I really don't know where to go from here because he was my everything and I really had no outside friends or social circle of my own because I am always at home and I have a very private and shy personality completely opposite from him lol.

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Permalink Reply by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on March 30, 2011 at 3:31pm

judahbear...

I can relate to the no outside friends/social circle of my own thing, definitely. I think that fact is making this doubly hard. Most of my 'close' friends are scattered across the country, so while I read about people who have friends checking in on them and such, it just doesn't compute for me. Add to that all the people who say I need to get out more, etc., etc. Well, I was always a homebody before and no one really pushed me to be otherwise before. So, do I push myself to get out more, or honor my personality?

 

I suppose it may be too soon to figure out the answer, since it's been just over a month, but it certainly weighs on me.

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Permalink Reply by notthesame on March 30, 2011 at 3:59pm

I dont know the details of your situation but having kids has forced me to come out of my comfort zone.  Also my husband's accident was highly pubilicized in our local media because of the type of accident he had and the fact that he was a local fireman so I had to deal with being out in public and having people that I didn't know watch me every place that I went. I had never been the kind of person that liked being the center of attention. 

 

My husband also knew a lot and I mean a lot of people and when he had his accident I had so many people coming in and out of my house which I never experienced before.  We never really ever had visitors before.  Some of these people I had never really met before so that was pretty uncomfortable for me so I spent as much time as I could away from home but then I had to deal with the being out in public part and having people look and start at me.

 

I have made a couple of new friends, people my husband knew and worked with, since this happened and I go excercise with them a couple of times a week to get out of the house.  Honestly that has helped me a lot.  It beats sitting in the house and pondering on how angry I am, how things are and how I feel they should be.

 

You really have to do what you think is best for you but it may not hurt to try something different to see if that might help you work through everything you are going through right now.

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Permalink Reply by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on March 30, 2011 at 4:11pm

I have 2 kids (3 and 9), so they definitely keep me up and going. Sadly, had to jettison one of my 9yo daughter's activities, because the moms who led the activity took to gossiping about my husband's death (because it was sudden and I didn't come right out and say, "natural causes" from the get-go, a few of the women decided to start rumors of suicide, etc.) and created a real gossipy, non-supportive atmosphere, where they would hound me or my daughter for info for their gossip mill instead of reaching out to help me or my daughter,so that has cut down some of the social stuff that would normally come with having kids.

 

I imagine I will try to get out more and find some new ways to make 'friends.' I have always had issues with panic attacks on and off during my adult life, and the stress of my husband's death has exacerbated that. I imagine as that eases up it will be easier to be social.

 

My husband had a fair number of friends and such, but it seems it is just as awkward for them to reach out to me as it is for me to reach out to them, so... yeah...

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Permalink Reply by Wendy on March 30, 2011 at 4:21pm

We didn't have kids, but had been married 5 years and had a decent house (where we frequently entertained and had parties -- at least once a month), good careers, made good money, and were having a blast.  We were just starting to think, "What's next....?" and we might have had kids.  I guess there wasn't much else in the plans for us, per se, so I lacked that direction or goal after he was gone -- our lives were great together, but without him, what?  (In fact, I wasn't really happy in my job, but I kept it because the whole package I had was worth keeping it -- not true when you take him out of the equation; I'm no longer practicing law).

 

As for the social aspect...we were both very social, possibly too much.  The year before Brian died, I think we had something like 5 free weekends (no parties, trips, weddings, etc.) all year.  About 2 weeks before he died, we realized we didn't have any plans for a few weekends in a row, and nothing really for 2010.  (It's kind of eerie to think back on that.)  But we liked being busy and seeing lots of different friends and family.  Now, I am trying to figure out the right balance, but believe me -- I got flak for going out and traveling too much too, so there's no pleasing those select others who just like to judge and tell you what to do! 

 

Anyway, I really do think it all comes down to a good balance.  When you're grieving, you need quiet time to think and work through things, cry, whatever you need.  However, you also need some exposure to others and the outside world -- to remind you of the beauty that's out there (running along the lake in the sunshine, even alone, does that for me), of the way you can connect to others and laugh harder when you watch a funny movie with someone, etc.

 

I suppose it goes back to that saying -- everything in moderation, right?  :)

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Permalink Reply by Krista Westervelt (whoknows) on March 30, 2011 at 4:36pm

You make a good point, Wendy... no matter what, there will always be those who think we're "doing it wrong." I do make a point to get into the fresh air whenever I can, even if it's just  a trek to the park or the botanical garden with the kids.

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Permalink Reply by cancerwidow on March 29, 2011 at 5:43pm

Where are you? Are you OK? Can we be together again one day?

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Permalink Reply by cleodoggie on March 29, 2011 at 9:16pm

Because I am open to prebirth planning-I would ask Jim if he pre- planned his death?  I would also ask him if he is proud of me?  Does he know how very much I love and miss him?

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Permalink Reply by Jon on March 30, 2011 at 8:17am

Will we be together again or am I now without you for eternity?

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Permalink Reply by DonnaReid on May 9, 2011 at 11:48pm

That's so profound...I'd loved to have the answer to this although the thought of being without my love for eternity tears me up!

 

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Permalink Reply by KristyAnn on March 30, 2011 at 12:52pm

lets see, I would have a few:  Do you approve of my decsions that I have made in the past year and a half. I would ask if he is proud of Tyler and I.  Then I would ask silly questions like is he rockin out with Stevie Ray Vaughn and Jimmy Hendricks.  Is my mom still picking on him. My last question would be is he okay?

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