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There's nothing like the death of a spouse to scare you out of your mind. So what's frightening you these days? Get the fear out where you can look at it, instead of just having it running around in your mind like a nasty, sneaky predator. 


Here's my list for today:


I'm scared that I might not be able to go the distance with the man I've been seeing for the last few months.


I'm scared that the health insurance I bought (after losing my husband's "cadillac plan" after he died,) might not be good enough in case something bad happens around here health-wise.


I'm scared that when I want to go back to work there won't be any jobs for me cause I'll be a woman over 50 with a Bachelor's degree.




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Hmmm - A number of things...1) For starters it scares me that I won't have the ability to be happy again.  (I just came back from a really good time away for a day with two good girlfriends - but at so many times I just realized they don't get it!  I'm so thankful that they don't get it, but it can be so tiring for me trying to just move along). 2.  My kids future scares me - I want them to grow up happy and healthy.  3.  I want to enjoy spring/summer/fall and winter again.  It scares me that I may have these debilitating depression times forever. 


I'm scared of living a long life now that my love isn't here to share it with me.

I'm scared of the next loss I have to face - family member, close friend.

I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to keep the promises I made my husband and my family.

I'm scared that I don't care about myself.

I'm scared that I'll never be reunited with my love.


I understand completely what you've said about not fearing anything anymore after losing a spouse. I often feel this way. Sometimes I like it because I feel powerful, like nothing can touch me.  But sometimes it makes me feel numb or cold like I'm made of steel

Fuzzy-I so want that!

I want to think like Fuzzy but...

After loosing a home, dealing with legal issues my husband getting sick, dealing with tax issues and my husband passing away I shouldn't be afraid  of anything, but I am.

I am afraid of getting sick

I am afraid of my kids being screwed up.

I am afraid I will never trust again.





I can relate. While sometimes I feel very strong and like I'll never be scared again...when I do get scared it's often about these same things: I am afraid to get sick because my husband went through such hell and I can't imagine how I would do it all again if it happened to me or my kids...I worry a lot about how not having a father will affect my kids' lives, and I feel hardened now...not so believing in the happy ending. What I do, though, with my fear of getting sick, is a whole lot of exercising and eating right! (Not that I believe it will prevent sickness, but at least I'll know I did what I could control.)


Thanks for responding.  You are right about the exercise and eating right.  I started exercising hoping it would help clear my head.  It has helped a lot. 

 I can always do better with eating right. 


Amen to the exercising and eating right- the day my husband died I went off to the gym in the afternoon.  I loved him but we knew it was coming (he'd been given a terminal diagnosis 4 months earlier) and the exercise routine has kept me sane.

Ah, but let me tell you what happened today.  I did a 35-mile charity bike ride feeling, as usual, grateful I could even think about such things and a bit smug about my marvelous physical conditioning- hey, I'm a 64-year old grandmother.  Thirteen miles into the ride, on the way out of a rest stop, I tried to unwrap a granola bar and pedal at the same time.  Big mistake.  I wiped out and banged my knee.  Since pedaling didn't seem to hurt any worse, I did the last 20 miles even though I could see my times for 5-mile segments were increasing (28 minutes earlier, 40 towards the end). 

I'm home and in bed.  Walking is PAINFUL although the pain I've had just when lying still has been subsiding and I'm grateful for that.  I really do feel alone.  If I want to eat I'd better limp to the kitchen.  I've managed it but would SO love Ron to be here saying comforting words and bringing me food and drink.  Yeah, being alone is scary sometimes.

I'm scared of not getting over the crippling loneliness

I'm scared of being a bitter hermit

I'm scared of never feeling that life is more than going through the motions.

When I first lost my husband in November 2015, I was in a constant high grade anxiety. I knew nothing about Estate law or even how to proceed with all the other forms, documents, certificates etc. I quickly learned and handled these things but in a state of high grade fear. The final tax return, horrible fear!

Now I have the knowledge that things can change on a dime and anything new I find myself having to deal with is scary! I'm scared of being single the rest of my life, but I'm more afraid right now of even contemplating ever dating again. The sharp acute anxiety has subsided but at any moment it's right there behind a thin layer of rational thinking.

I see symptoms of PTSD which stand to reason. I was in a war with my husband, fighting for his life and then dealing with the most devastating casualty imaginable. I think a certain amount of PTSD is inevitable for all of us who have had our lives turned upside down.

I find that I'm a lot more anxious about my health and that of loved ones.  I freaked out when my doc's nurse told me my white blood cells and neutrophils were a little low because those were symptoms DH had with his leukemia.  Totally unrelated, of course, but I did some research, talked to my sister the doc and concluded that i was at the low end of normal.  Also freaked out a little when DDIL had a superficial thrombosis in a leg vein after the birth of y baby granddaughter.  I pictured DS with two little girls and no wife... my imagination went a little crazy.  DDIL is fine after getting good medical care.

Second- I worry about "I've fallen and I can't get up" moments or when I'm displaying symptoms of a heart attack and no one is there to tell me to call 911.  A couple of months after DH died I donated platelets + whole blood.  That night I got up to go to the bathroom and realized I'd gotten up too quickly.  (I have blood pressure at the low end of normal and donating probably lowered it more.)  The next thing I knew, I was on the floor.  Not even a bruise, thank God- but I do miss having a good man by my side  OTOH, my BIGGEST fear is marrying someone who's a financial drain, so if I find a good man there will be no legal entanglements.

Such an interesting discussion. I was  in the Fuzzy camp -- for about two years after my husband died (I'm now 3 years, 4 months out) I feared nothing except if something were to happen to our grown daughters. I wasn't personally reckless or self-destructive in any way, but I just didn't care. The worst thing that could happen, happened, so anything I might have previously worried about shrank so much in comparison it wasn't meaningful.

I think I posted previously that I noticed with a jolt last fall that I was driving very carefully in a downpour on the way home from visiting my daughter in Philly, and thought, "Wow, I fear death again, how weird."

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about this and she said, "I know, we were worried about you."

My Dad had an even worse experience. Shortly after my Mom died (12 years ago now), we took him with us on travel soccer team trip over a long weekend. The day after he got home, he drank a case of beer, got in his car, and wrapped it around a telephone pole. Thank goodness he didn't kill himself or anyone else. At the time he told me, "I just didn't care if I lived or died." He is happily remarried now and is enjoying life. There is hope.


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