There's nothing like the death of a spouse to scare you out of your mind. So what's frightening you these days? Get the fear out where you can look at it, instead of just having it running around in your mind like a nasty, sneaky predator.
Here's my list for today:
I'm scared that I might not be able to go the distance with the man I've been seeing for the last few months.
I'm scared that the health insurance I bought (after losing my husband's "cadillac plan" after he died,) might not be good enough in case something bad happens around here health-wise.
I'm scared that when I want to go back to work there won't be any jobs for me cause I'll be a woman over 50 with a Bachelor's degree.
Prior to 2015, I thankfully had very few dealings with death. I had lost both grandfathers when they were in their 80's. I lost my oldest brother in 1999, which was tough. Between February 2015 and March 2016, I attended way too many funerals. My wife Melinda passed in Feb 2015. Prostate cancer took her uncle that April. My best friend's mother passed that August. My mother in law joined my wife in Feb 2016, just one year and 4 days after her. My boss (and good friend) lost his 31 year old son in early 2016, and my step grandfather died around the same time (my grandmother was blessed to find a sweet man 13 years ago). As I'm writing this, I realize that I should mention that grandma passed about 3 weeks ago at 97. It's sad that she's gone, but she enjoyed a long full life and had the love of two fine gentlemen.
That said, I fear for everyone and I don't want to. I came over to my best friend's house and saw his father (who I am very fond of) sleeping on the couch. I started experiencing that same icy feeling in the pit of my stomach as when I found Melinda. I found myself staring at his chest looking for movement, and of course he was fine.
The same thing happened just a couple of months ago when Melinda's aunt came to town and stayed with me for a week. She asked me to make sure she didn't nap too long. I knocked several times, each time growing more and more anxious that she wasn't going to wake up. She's in fine health, so logically there wasn't a reason for me to fear for her.
In March, I was helping my father work on my sister's house. My father is in great health for his early 70's. He actually has more stamina that I do because he's very active. He was up on a ladder and I told him I was going to take a break and talk with my mom. In that short walk, I had thoughts of him falling and that I had spoken with him for the last time.
My mother's had a lot of health problems, but they are quality of life (although some have caused her great pain), but none have been life threatening. Still, when my father tells me mom had to go to the hospital *again*, I can't help but worry that I'm about to lose her.
I don't want to be afraid, but I am. Two and a half years have passed since Melinda died and the single, biggest reason I don't want to open my heart is that I don't think I can risk feeling that way again. I can take loneliness. I like me. I'm good company. I just can't bear the thought of losing someone I care so much about.
One thing to look forward to when grief ends is that the fears do, also ...
By that time, you have learned to cope w/issues on your own ...
I'm scared that when I get sick, there will be no one here to care for me
I'm scared that there is no one to run things off of and I'll end up talking to myself-Oh, oh, I do that already!
I'm scared that the woman I was involved with for 6 months did implode and now I am experiencing loss all over again and I will never be held or hold someone for the rest of my life.
I'm scared that I'm not eating healthy, haven't had a salad in months.
I'm scared of walking around town and having that "Scarlet letter" attached to me only its that of a widower (I live in a small community)