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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

There's nothing like the death of a spouse to scare you out of your mind. So what's frightening you these days? Get the fear out where you can look at it, instead of just having it running around in your mind like a nasty, sneaky predator. 

 

Here's my list for today:

 

I'm scared that I might not be able to go the distance with the man I've been seeing for the last few months.

 

I'm scared that the health insurance I bought (after losing my husband's "cadillac plan" after he died,) might not be good enough in case something bad happens around here health-wise.

 

I'm scared that when I want to go back to work there won't be any jobs for me cause I'll be a woman over 50 with a Bachelor's degree.

 

 

 

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In April I was also admitted to the hospital via the emergency room when I suddenly lost sensation in my legs and was unable to walk. My sister was with me for several hours but as the clock ticked on I told her she could go home and I would call her after I had the MRI. Waiting in that ER by myself for hours just waiting for them to take me for the MRI made me realize just how alone I really am without my Danny. The MRI was done at midnight and showed a large mass on my spine. I was admitted to the hospital and was in the operating room at 6:30am. I was texting family members ( sister, brother, nephews and nieces) as they were prepping me in the OR. No one but my sister that went to the ER with me even knew I was in the hospital, never mind that I was about to be operated on!

The surgeon removed a 6 inch mass from my spine that ended up being malignant. I have since undergone radiation treatment. It has been and continues to be a long road to recovery between the major back surgey, radiation and physical therapy to learn to walk again.
I will say that my family(siblings, niece and nephews) have been here to help as much as possible, but it is not the same as having a spouse by your side.

The loneliness I have felt through this ordeal for my husband has been tremendous. When you go into surgery alone, wake up from surgery alone, hear the news that you have cancer alone...it makes you realize just how much you have lost by losing your spouse.

Wishing good health to all❤️

Prior to 2015, I thankfully had very few dealings with death.  I had lost both grandfathers when they were in their 80's.  I lost my oldest brother in 1999, which was tough.  Between February 2015 and March 2016, I attended way too many funerals.  My wife Melinda passed in Feb 2015.  Prostate cancer took her uncle that April.  My best friend's mother passed that August.  My mother in law joined my wife in Feb 2016, just one year and 4 days after her.  My boss (and good friend) lost his 31 year old son in early 2016, and my step grandfather died around the same time (my grandmother was blessed to find a sweet man 13 years ago).  As I'm writing this, I realize that I should mention that grandma passed about 3 weeks ago at 97.  It's sad that she's gone, but she enjoyed a long full life and had the love of two fine gentlemen.

That said, I fear for everyone and I don't want to.  I came over to my best friend's house and saw his father (who I am very fond of) sleeping on the couch.  I started experiencing that same icy feeling in the pit of my stomach as when I found Melinda.  I found myself staring at his chest looking for movement, and of course he was fine.

The same thing happened just a couple of months ago when Melinda's aunt came to town and stayed with me for a week.  She asked me to make sure she didn't nap too long.  I knocked several times, each time growing more and more anxious that she wasn't going to wake up.  She's in fine health, so logically there wasn't a reason for me to fear for her.

In March, I was helping my father work on my sister's house.  My father is in great health for his early 70's.  He actually has more stamina that I do because he's very active.  He was up on a ladder and I told him I was going to take a break and talk with my mom.  In that short walk, I had thoughts of him falling and that I had spoken with him for the last time.

My mother's had a lot of health problems, but they are quality of life (although some have caused her great pain), but none have been life threatening.  Still, when my father tells me mom had to go to the hospital *again*, I can't help but worry that I'm about to lose her.

I don't want to be afraid, but I am.  Two and a half years have passed since Melinda died and the single, biggest reason I don't want to open my heart is that I don't think I can risk feeling that way again.  I can take loneliness.  I like me.  I'm good company.  I just can't bear the thought of losing someone I care so much about.

One thing to look forward to when grief ends is that the fears do, also ...

By that time, you have learned to cope w/issues on your own ...

Great topic!

I'm scared that when I get sick, there will be no one here to care for me

I'm scared that there is no one to run things off of and I'll end up talking to myself-Oh, oh, I do that already!

I'm scared that the woman I was involved with for 6 months did implode and now I am experiencing loss all over again and I will never be held or hold someone for the rest of my life.

I'm scared that I'm not eating healthy, haven't had a salad in months.

I'm scared of walking around town and having that "Scarlet letter" attached to me only its that of a widower (I live in a small community)

I'm afraid I'm going to end up out in the street when they foreclose on the house.

One of my biggest fears was getting seriously injured or dying and no one be aware of it. A friend of mine died in her home and it was several days before it was discovered. I decided to text my son (it could be a friend) every morning and evening to let him know I am ok. I just text an emoji. It just takes a few seconds. If something happens at least someone is aware. Peace to all.

I like that idea!

I had a friend that had the same situation. When found they were already deteriorating. I came up with the same fix. I text or email one son in the morning and do the same with the other in the evening. It worried me cause I didn't want the boys to have "shoulda guilt" if something was to happen to me, and I didn't want them to feel they had to constantly be in touch. It has been working great. 

I'm scared that I may not be able to find another to give my love to. I feel all bottled up inside with a hole that gets larger each day. I fear that the world I'm now thrown into is not a comfortable fit. Men are being demonized for every little thing and everything you say to people is being deemed offensive to someone. I'm from a time when your relationship grew from friendship but now it seems it's all online. I'm scared it will cause me to become a lonely hermit. 

I am constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen, that is one thing that scares me.  It seems like since Tom passed, all I think about is what will happen next- and I figure it won't be good. I fear I can never be happy again or look forward to anything fun or positive.

I fear for my kids- growing up the rest of their lives without a father to walk them down the aisle and give them advise (I have 3 girls).

I am desperately afraid of being alone.  When both my parents passed, I remember thinking "at least I have my husband here with me." Nope.  Not anymore.  I fear the kids will grow up and move on with their lives (as they should) and I will be left all alone.  

Widowed at 43, I am afraid I will never find someone else to share a life with- and if I do, will I be happy with them?  They aren't my husband. :(

Wow-I hear you Kate.

I'm 64 and I HATE being alone with my own thoughts. I HATE it! I know some people that adjust quite well....not me!

I am dating and I have those same thoughts. Happy? Most of the time. It will never be the same as before-that discernment is important.

It wasn't suppose to be this way-damn!!!!

There have beem times, I would call it "Hypervigliant" others would descrine it as neurotic. A person hasn't called in the amount of time I think they should-something horrible has happened. "Don't get on the ladder alone, you'll fall and break your neck!"

"Don't drive after dark, there are crazy drivers out there and call me to let me know where you are!"

I was widowed at 56 and again at 62. Ya-it affected me.

Know what? Our thoughts are not irrational, they are understandable.

Dying alone

Eating alone

Talking to myself

Dissapointing someone

Another relationship and all that goes with it

Dishonoring her memory

Living up to her memory

Getting older

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